Thursday, 5 August 2010

Deadliest Warrior: The Video Game

Finally, we can re-do Deadliest Warrior's fights right... At least, that's the idea.  I'd love to have the Viking destroy the Samurai, the Knight obliterate the Pirate, and everything in between.

I hate Deadliest Warrior.

Luckily, I'm not the only one.  As I said a while back, Spoony is one of my favourite internet commentators, but never has that been more true than in his above review of the game, and a previous encapsulation of more or less everything I despise about the show itself.  The BS Historian utterly annihilates the show's takes on the IRA vs the Taliban and William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu.  A chap called The Black Lion does the same devastating defenestration of Knight vs Pirate on the show's own site! Andrew Wheeler brings up ten excellent reasons why Deadliest Warrior was completely wrong about their Alexander vs Attila matchup.  Hell, even TV Tropes - a site I love and hate for many myriad reasons - rants about it, though as is the case with most public wikis, there's a lot of nonsense on there.  Mostly about the samurai, naturally.  Their main topic, on the other hand... I'll have to get back to that.  Honestly, when even fecking Cracked is calling you on your lack of historical accuracy, you know you're in trouble.

I'm waiting for the Deadliest Warrior parody from, say, Dead Ringers, Bremner Bird & Fortune, or (with a bit of luck) The IT Crowd or That Mitchell and Webb Look - but then, what could they possibly do to make the show look even more imbecilic that they aren't doing well enough already?

Better yet, someone should make a rival show.  One that uses actual historical research, genuine experts, and the real scientific method, without resorting to such flashy Hollywood nonsense as used in the show.

In the medium of Lego, of course.  Because nobody could be mad at Lego.


  1. I'm not a video game guy but that was a great review. Absolutely scathing and spot-on.

    I liked the idea of Deadliest Warrior but despise the execution and the conclusions they reach. Totally agree about the pirate vs. knight. I watched that episode with my jaw on the floor. How the hell does a long-fused grenado work on a charging knight? How does the pirate even get it lit? And the pirate also survives the flail blow to his unarmored head? Total bullshit.

  2. I like learning about the weaponry, but the show only focuses on weapon damage - and even that they do poorly. Tactics? Experience of combatants?

    The Alexander vs Attila episode got to me. They made the Greeks test their _hand-held_ short range weapon from horseback? They weren't Huns! No surprise it didn't do much damage - that's not how they would have used it!

    And then sometimes they outline a weapon used in a full-scale, two army situation (say, the Asian "nest of bees") and then the computer simulation is squad on squad?

    Good for weaponry, crap for any kind of military/scientific outcomes.

  3. Those lego pieces just made my life.. thanks!

  4. I too like the idea of Deadliest Warrior, but I hate it when they give the impression of scientific rigour when they just don't. They're trying to have their cake and eat it.

    You're right on that, Paul. The biggest laugh/annoyance was that after they showed Alexander would utterly annihilate Attila in hand-to-hand with his Pankration training (and he would), they proceed to have... Attila beat him in hand-to-hand. Really, now? It's bad enough when they give the "edge" to the Sword of Mars based on the fact that Team Attila's swordsman was just better, but when they did the scoring, the Kopis still notched up more kills.

    Indeed, the only reason Team Attila really won that - apart from gimping Team Alexander - was because of the bow, plain and simple. So why did they have the fight show Attila killing Alexander in hand to hand, when it would've been far more appropriate to slay him with an arrow?

    Andrew Wheeler said it best: "Unlike Attila, Alexander was never defeated in battle - so it seems a bit presumptuous for a computer program to hand him a defeat when his enemies never could. Alexander the Great didn’t lose this fight; Deadliest Warrior did."

    Seeing the weapons destroying gel torsos is the only real highlight, and even then, it's hard not to make a claymore chopping off three heads in one swing entertaining.

    Glad you enjoyed, Julian: I love Lego too!

  5. what about of Conquest of History channel? I think it could be more serious and scientific...