It's as if they knew...

Yesterday, I decided to spend time with my mother.  Helping her out with housework, hauling bags and furniture around, chatting, that sort of thing. I thought: "eh, there hasn't been much news on the Conan movie front, I figure I can stay away from the computer for a few days."  I come back at about 2pm today, but since I've already spent enough time on the 'net, I get started working on my book again.  It had really fallen by the wayside recently, and I was starting to fear the monster Procrastination was rousing from its slumber.  So I stay off the 'net, and start collating and organizing references to Conan's adventures not catalogued in story form (his youth, burning the Stygian fleet, ascension to the throne, etc).

Then I check the time.  6 o'clock.  Hmm, time to check my emails, just in case there's some snippet of information.  I see Sean Hood's sent an email.  In it, he said the following:

...I'm sure you are watching and analyzing the trailer.

WHAT TRAILER

I immediately check my other emails, and sure enough, tons of people have sent me links to the new Conan the Barbarian trailer.  One was from 2 o'clock this morning.  I was 16 hours late on this massive Conan movie news.  The one day I decide to stay away from the distractions of the internet, and it's the same day the Conan trailer comes out.  So, in a veritable whirling dervish of watching, rewatching, listening and screencapping, I started analyzing the trailer 16 hours after it first came out.  Bless Sean and the others for thinking I was deep in thought carefully analyzing this bombshell, but in truth I was going out of my skull sifting through notes on another thing entirely. I probably should've just lied and said "yes, of course, I've been spending several hours watching it on 1/20th speed hooked up to a 50-inch television backwards and forwards," but I'm a terrible liar.

It's preposterous.  This is cosmic junctioning of Adamsian levels.  Of all the days, it was this day?

You're traveling into another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind...

Where boxing is fake, wrestling is real, actors are politicians, and fan bloggers are being interviewed by screenwriters.

I'm becoming a regular Harry Knowles now. I have the beard, hair and glasses, though I'll probably never attain his corpulence since I've been going to the gym. Hopefully that won't affect my chances of finding a gorgeous young Asian wife.

Damned if they do, damned if they don't

 

Alright, it's clear my self-inforced moratorium on Howard and Conan-related posts is going to be about as successful as the Prohibition, so I'm just going to come out and say it:

Calling the new Conan film Conan the Barbarian is a terrible idea, but they've painted themselves into a corner with it.

Need More Hits? Just Add Bosoms!

It turns out that a post I made two weeks ago over at Conan Movie Blog has been popular.  Crazy popular: as of this posting, over fifteen thousand individual views since it was originally posted! And I think I have the bosoms to thank.  Sites as diverse as Beyond Hollywood, Cinema Blend, Screen Junkies, JoBlo, Furious Fanboys, Worst Previews, Fused Film, even one of my favourite places, Topless Robot, are linking to the two week old post.  I'd complain that they're awfully late to the party, but really, why complain given the hits we're getting?

So Why The Hell Am I Doing The Conan Movie Blog Anyway?

Ever since the Conan film script was leaked and the resulting character casting sheet released, the film's kind of beyond the point of no return for me.  Generally, if I'm talking about the upcoming Conan film, chances are it's tinged with a mixture of resentment and resignation.

"It looks just like Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.  Of course it looks just like Hercules: The Legendary Journeys."