Looking to the Future

I spent a lot of my free time on The Cimmerian, and it's daunting to think what I'm going to do without it.  So, I have a few ideas.

Triangulation: Lang, Lawsuits, Bakshi, Moorcock, Tolkien Art, Frazetta & REH,

Obviously, before the big news broke, I had a lot of plans for The Cimmerian. However, those plans will not be in vain, as will become clear soon. For now, a double-dipping of Triangulation, since I seem to have forgotten last week's.

On Tuesday the 18th, I link to Stephen Lang speaking on the Conan film. Comparisons to Jason & the Argonauts have me worrying about a certain other Harryhausen film, or rather its remake... Thursday the 20th, Paradox & Orion have settled their hash. Maybe now we can get Conan's Brethren, huzzah! Saturday the 22nd is right in the middle of the internet blackout, so in an absolute panic I just did a post on Robert Rodriguez announcing Fire & Ice.

Wednesday the 26th brings Moorcock back into The Cimmerian's sights, possibly for the last time. Thursday the 27th yet another short post, this time to a link of Tolkien artists. Finally, on Saturday the 29th, I get the big guns out, and go on with The Art of Frank Frazetta & Robert E. Howard, Part 1. Here I discuss the first iconic Conan picture. I've no doubt people will call it pretentious and snooty, but given I rarely feel like I'm clever in comparison to established Howard scholars, I'll take what I can get.

Again, I'll fully address the situation on The Cimmerian soon.

Well, the Sabretooth Cat's out of the bag.

In the second week of June, The Cimmerian will end its five-year tour of duty as Shieldwall for Robert E. Howard and J.R.R. Tolkien.  The domain name will go, the old posts will be archived at a new site, but the days of new scholarly material and news is over.

I can't blame Deuce or Leo for their reasons, nor do I intend to (were I in their shoes I'd do the same), but I'm still very frustrated at the way events have conspired. Since Deuce took over as Managing Editor, Cimmerian readership shot from 10-20,000 views a month to the region of 50,000. May isn't over yet, and we might actually hit 100,000 within the next few days.  It's just over a year since I made my official debut (23rd May) and in that time I haven't missed a single week. Considering how difficult a time of it I had leaving college, I'm immensely proud of that achievement. Now The Cimmerian has no option but to drift into the night in its hour of triumph?  Damn right I'm angry.

I'll probably talk more about it on The Cimmerian itself, but man, I hate this.

What if Conan became The Punisher?

At least, that's what this guy thought.


It didn't occur to me when I first saw it... but now I can't see anything else. Howard never depicted Cormac's silver skull on a surcoat (can't recall if he wore a surcoat either, or just plain mail), but I felt it a reasonable extrapolation on Jusko's part. Now, though... I can't help but see Marvel's answer to a DC superhero riffing on Robert E. Howard.

The Guardian Strikes Back

Crom, more nonsense from my favourite UK rag.

My New Mad Scheme: Atrocious Adaptations

As you've noticed, there aren't really that many posts dedicated to non-Howard/Tolkien things here on The Blog That Time Forgot, something that I really should rectify. However, there's something else I'd been meaning to do, regarding a phenomenon fairly close to my heart: literary adaptations.

The Return, and Frustration

Yes, my long exile from the Internet (all two days or so of it) is over, and I'm back.

However, I'm suffering a heinous case of writer's block. I'm working on three big posts: a Barbarians of Middle-earth, a Hyborian Age Gazetteer, and Frazetta & REH Part 1. In addition, I have two reviews I'm unforgivably late on (the authors even sent me free review copies!), a preview of an upcoming REH book sent to me that I should've done a long time ago, and the desire to keep things chugging along with the amazing hits for May after the Momoan pictures. Combined with a bunch of life changes and yet another mad scheme I've embarked upon, things are getting hectic, especially knowing I have to get a post prepared for the 12th of June when I'm out of the country.

At least I've more or less finished my treatment for Conan the Barbarian: Recut. After discussing it with Agent Scammonjam, I've decided to make it an exclusive for TBTTF, along with a few other things. I've only now discovered the "Pages" function on Blogger, which allow up to ten pages to be created, as opposed to simple blog posts. I plan on utilizing them in the future for important projects: CtB Recut, an expanded Conan the Barbarian: A Movie-Goer's Guide (like these LotR articles), a few other things on dinosaurs, Transformers and the like.

But I have to get the aforementioned Cimmerian posts done, because I'm really liking how they're ending up, and I've kind of dedicated myself to making them fairly regular.

Oh, Bother.

Well, my usual source for the internet has died on me. My back-up too. I'm currently writing this from the Museum computer, and I only have another 18 minutes left.

Therefore, until the Holy Internet Service Providers of the Celestial Domain deign to restore access to the Holy of Holies, I'm going to be MIA for a while. Just a heads-up for anyone wondering what happened to that beardy chap.

Fear not: this will not be the last you hear of me!

The Conan That Could Have Been...

As reported by Devin Faraci.

That's the face of the Conan you'll never see in a movie.

By now you've probably seen the images from the set of the new Conan movie. Jason Momoa looks like a cross between Tarzan and Kid Conan, and the general cheesiness has done little to instill hope in the minds of fans. What we've ended up with is basically the weakest version of Conan possible, but what would have been the strongest?

Devin, let's be real: Momoa is in no way the weakest version of Conan possible. Kellan Lutz would have been infinitely worse, and I seriously doubt Jared Padalecki could've bulked up as much as Momo has. In terms of appropriateness for the role, bodybuilders with no actual acting ability - like Roland Kickinger - would be terrible choices. I'd take Momoa over those guys any day.

Add The Guardian to my list of Newspapers I Don't Like.

Actually, it's probably already there.

It gets worse: instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian, we get buffed-up pretty boy Jason Momoa in the forthcoming remake of John Milius's bravura 1982 fantasy fable, an actor whose most notable performances have come in Stargate Atlantis and Baywatch Hawaii. Schwarzenegger, of course, was hardly a thespian of note himself when he took on the role that made him famous, but at least he didn't resemble an oversized member of Take That.

First, the obligatory NOT A REMAKE. Ten seconds looking it up at Wikipedia seems to be beyond the mightiest of journalists when it comes to Conan. Not to mention that Rambo, one of the main points of the article, is based on a book too.

Secondly... is Arnold really not reminiscent of an oversized member of Take That? Really? Not even Jason Orange? Back in his Conan the Barbarian days, Arnold was practically baby-faced. As an aside, Jason Furlong's John Connor is easily the weakest link in Terminator 2. He's an unlikeable, surly little brat. I sure don't "miss him," even if Terminator: Salvation was rubbish.

That said, Ben Child seems a bit schizophrenic on this, since he posted a much better post on Jason Momoa as Conan, where he notes how bizarre it is that nobody's adapted Howard's stories to cinema despite their obvious suitability. Don't know what happened there.

The Cormac Fallacy

In the name of Crom, make it stop!

You guys who keep saying he's not big enough need to read up on what Conan actually looked like. He was 6'2 210lbs. Momoa was 210lbs before he started working out and gained a bunch of weight. He's plenty big to be Conan, Arnold was actually TOO big to be Conan. Conan wasn't the biggest man, he was the strongest, there is a huge difference.

Arnold Shwarzenegger was 6'1.5" tall and 236lbs in Conan. So no, Arnold was not "too big" to be Conan, who Howard described on separate occasions as being anywhere from 6' to 6'2" and 210lbs to 220lbs. Mamoa has more of a lean frame, appearing more as a "Tarzan" than a Conan. Cimmerians are of stockier build by description, which would give more of a Schwarzenegger appearance than a Mamoa.

Stop it.

Nowhere in any of Howard's letters does he once state a height for Conan other than his height at 15, which was 6' and 180lbs, and specifically noted to have "lacked much of his full growth." Howard never compares Cormac Fitzgeoffrey to Conan. Ever.

The 6'2" 210lbs "quote" Does. Not. Exist.

Stop bringing it up.

Hell, I don't know where that 220lbs comes from either, but I can guarantee it isn't from Howard.

ARGH.

Edit: Ok, I've calmed down a bit. However, this is the single Conan myth which irritates me enough. I can understand the 10,000 BC thing, or blaming things on Arnold, but this is really bothersome. It's the illusion of being informed that irritates me, giving the impression that someone's done research, when all they're doing is parroting Wikipedia.

I need to find the origin of the Cormac Fallacy, or I might well go insane.

Deadliest Warrior Returns To Boil My Brains

Oh Lord.

Ronnie James Dio, 1942 - 2010

Damn it.

Today my heart is broken, Ronnie passed away at 7:45am 16th May. Many, many friends and family were able to say their private good-byes before he peacefully passed away. Ronnie knew how much he was loved by all. We so appreciate the love and support that you have all given us. Please give us a few days of privacy to deal with this terrible loss. Please know he loved you all and his music will live on forever.

- Wendy Dio

Every year has their list of people who you hate to see go, but less than a week after we lose Frank Frazetta, Dio's gone too? This is rotten, guys.

The cancer has won the battle... but it could never win the war. The cancer in his stomach will lose its sustenance when Ronnie's earthly form turns to dust, and it'll disintegrate into nothingness. Dio's spirit, be it his soul in heaven, his essence in the peaceful oblivion beyond death, or simply his legacy in the world of Metal and Rock, will persist as long as there's someone else alive to remember him. I salute him.

The Holy Diver dives no more. He ascends on a Rainbow in the Dark, & he's Hungry for Heaven.

Triangulation: Momoa and Frazetta

Well, I certainly did more than last week. I just wish it was under better circumstances.

Monday comes the minor news of the first pictures of Momo as Coco, and the infinitely more important news of Frazetta's passing, followed by tributes on Tuesday and visual ones on Wednesday, with a personal one on Thursday. It was just a matter of time given his health and age, but it's still tough. On Saturday, I decided to pull the trigger on my "Frazetta and Howard" series, where I look at the illustrations in more detail.

First of all, there's this weird undercurrent in the internet that asserts Frazetta's Conan "doesn't really resemble Howard's" or some variation therein. I really don't think this is the case: the only thing that I don't think Frazetta did get was the hair, which was too straight for Conan's "unruly," "tousled," "lion-like mane." Not crimped or wavy like Momoa's or Moellers, nor straight like Frazetta, but somewhere in between that and the Bettie Page do. Something like Oded Fehr's, IMO. But apart from the hair, there's the clothing - and really, given how many costumes Conan goes through, it isn't like giving Superman or Batman the wrong costume. Everything else - dark skin colour, rough skin texture, hairy chest, musculature, proportions, facial features, scars, hair colour, eye colour - all present and correct.

Secondly, there are people who say Milius did a good "Frazetta Conan." Again, I can't say I agree. Arnold's Conan had moderately tanned skin with an oily sheen, brown flowing hair, green/grey eyes, different facial features, and different bodily proportions: a bodybuilder's physique instead of a warrior's. Arnold's Conan looks strong as an ox, sure, but Frazetta's Conan looks like he could believably hold off an army on his own. I never felt that with Arnold. It didn't help that he was subdued by a paltry minimum of two big dudes.

As an aside, I love all the comments on places like Superhero Hype, Comic Book Movies, IGN and whatnot saying that Ahnold would break Momoa in half, when his actual fighting prowess is so utterly laughable when one looks at it. He has some nice moments, like the Battle of the Mounds, but most other fights, he moved like a tranquilised sloth. If Momoan is anything like Ronan, Momoan would freaking eviscerate Ahnold. Does it matter how big your muscles are when your opponent is moving in x4 speed and slicing your limbs off before you know what's happening? (Whoops, getting dangerously close to defending the remake there...)

Then we get into the whole idea of Milius making Conan the Barbarian "an ode to Frazetta and Wagner" - I can't help but think he's too obsessed with the details to get the big picture. He goes for Frazetta's details - the sword design, costumes, architecture, whatnot - but he doesn't do the stuff that made Frazetta Frazetta, as opposed to his myriad imitators and students. He doesn't do the sweeping dynamic colours, the almost expressionist blurs and tones, the stark relief, the composition, the classicism. It's like dressing some street bum in lavish Macbeth costume on the side of a street, and expecting to get Sir Ian McKellan at the RST. Ralph Bakshi did a better Frazetta pastiche: heck, even Nispel did a better job bringing "Frazetta" to life (albeit in only one or two really cool shots).

The first picture in "Meditations" is one of my favourite tributes. It has Luana, which was my first exposure to Frazetta, leading Frank through his gathered creations to the gates of Heaven, and a silhouette waiting at the threshold... Man. Normally I find this indescribably cheesy, but this one just works. It helps that Luana has special significance for me. I might post some of my favourite Frazetta pics with a word about why on an off day, when I'm not so busy.

Anyway, getting myself geared up for Howard Days. Less than a month away! BTW, Drag Me To Hell is totally "Casting the Runes"/Night of the Demon with a different ending, setting and characters. Since Raimi infused it with a lot of his daft humour, it's probably best he didn't make a full remake, since Night of the Demon is one of the finest horror films ever made.

A nice Frazetta Tribute... except...

This bit:

In a sense, he as the visual equivalent of Robert E. Howard. Like Howard, he is often copied, and well; unlike Howard, he is rarely surpassed at his own craft.

I'm curious as to what Magedalene's Egg means by this. Does s/he mean Frazetta was one of the greatest artists, while Howard wasn't one of the greatest writers? Or does s/he mean Frazetta was one of the greatest fantasy illustrators, while Howard wasn't one of the greatest fantasy writers?

I don't know why this phrase was necessary. It could've been left out, and little would suffer.

On This Day, Twenty-Eight Years Ago...

It came out.

MAY 14, 1982.

On this day, Conan the Barbarian came out. Co-starring James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, and Mako, this action/adventure fantasy is best known for being the breakthrough starring role of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career. Before that, he was primarily known as a world-famous bodybuilder/struggling actor. Today, he’s the Governor of California. If not for this movie, who knows.

That's more like it!

============================

WARNING: CLASSIFIED MATERIAL

UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS WILL BE DETECTED, OBSERVED, AND SEVERELY DEALT WITH TO THE FULL EXTENT OUTSIDE THE LAW

THIS IS YOUR SOLE WARNING
============================

05/14/10

Gentlemen,

Agent Le Vyonnaise has a heck of a scoop, featuring new pictures of Codename Momo for Project Trauma Vengeance v2.0


All I can say is, that's more like it! Certainly not perfect as Subject Coco, but a damn sight better than implied in the previous intel reports. But God damn it, why is this not-half-bad Coco being wasted in Project Trauma Vengeance v2.0? Man, with some scars, blue contacts, and a little more muscle mass, I could see him in a real Coco project: Project Jotun Sorority, Project Pachyderm Turret, Project Deity Tupperware, Project Scoundrel Domicile, even Project Sableshore Monarch! But he's stuck in a horrible, useless project instead.

A pox on Subject Herpenderp, a murrain on Subject Venus, and a thrice-damnation on Subject Educter.

Shields Up,

Agent Taranaich

Ishtar's Breath, a female Frazetta fan!

There are a lot of Frazetta tributes still cascading the Great Cyber-River, but this one caught my eye.

Now, as a geek, unto geeks, I may be preaching to the choir about this.
Any geek that read a Heavy Metal, or a reprint of a Robert E Howard novel or any other number of nerdy emphera is familiar with his work. In truth it is nearly unavoidable, in of itself or through what it has influenced and inpired.
But I feel the need to eulogize Frezetta because as a Lady Geek - his work stood out like a beacon of reassurence and hope that you didn't need to look like a super model to look like a goddess.
As a tween in a comic shop in the 90's, I vividly remember seeing a stack of giant size comic books from the 70's with Franks art adorning the covers.
It made a notable impression on me.

Silly mental echoes of "a g-g-g-g-girl!" aside, it cheers me immensely to see that there are women celebrating Frazetta's work too. I know that they exist - I know a couple personally - but I'm glad to see more on the internet. In the great debate that is "naked idealised men are empowering, naked idealised women are demeaning," it bothers me to see Frazetta put there too. Have these people not seen Luana, Cat Girl, or any of Frazetta's "chicks with attitude?"

As I've been working on my Cimmerian tribute, it occurred to me that there's just so much to talk about with Fritz' work: his women could occupy an article in themselves. Hmm...

What Hideous Cosmic Junction...

... That we have the first underwhelming shots of Jason Momoa as "Conan" leaked on the same day that we learn of the astronomically more important news, that of Frank Frazetta's passing?

Naturally, the first story has all the numbskulls whose knowledge of Conan begins and ends with a vague recollection of the film through marijuana smoke. Some hilarious fellows out there engage in some questionable humour: "I guess he saw the new Conan, and died on the spot."

To all those masters of subtle, nuanced black humour making such comments:

Go to hell.

Goodbye, Frank.

When summer goes and autumn comes
To paint the leaves with sombre fires,
I feel, like throbs of distant drums,
The urge of distant nameless sires.

--"One Blood Stain," Robert E. Howard

I've broken the news on The Cimmerian, but this news undoubtedly deserves more. Frank deserves more. When I can get my thoughts sorted out, I'll be posting a tribute on The Cimmerian to this legend.

I rarely call any one person my favourite writer, director, poet, or artist. Frank was an exception: he was my favourite illustrator. I'd always wanted to meet him, though in retrospect, the man I would've met wouldn't have been the same man who painted all those masterpieces. Part of me is sad, but another part is relieved. His pain, be it physical or mental, is now over. He's reunited with his love Ellie, and whether they're together in heaven or peaceful black oblivion, they are at peace.

So long, Frank, and thanks for being the greatest fantasy illustrator of them all.

Triangulation: Sword Woman and Missed Opportunities

I feel like a right dunderhead, as I wasted two perfectly good opportunities for Cimmerian posts this week. Blame it on Facebook.

Anyway, just the one this week: A snippet about the upcoming The Sword Woman And Other Historical Adventures. I'd love to finally read the "Mistress of Death" fragment in its original form. I've always loved Dark Agnes the most out of Howard's female heroines: in addition to being a fascinating character, she's the single best antidote to the "Howard was Sexist" misconception.

So in future, while I'll still talk about REH and Tolkien, the more detailed excursions will go on The Cimmerian in future. Luckily, there's still plenty of Conan to go around: Conan the Adventurer, the live action Conan, Conan & the Young Warriors, what have you. Expect a lot more about dinosaurs, Transformers, games, comics and the like in future.

MSN Entertainment joins the Idiot Pile

It's often asserted that Thulsa Doom is just "Thoth-Amon with a different name." Which is balderdash for so many reasons, but given how Thoth was transformed in the Marvel Comics (and then Dark Horse) I can understand why people might think that, given how Thoth was turned from an intriguing villain whose life sometimes intersected with Conan's in interesting ways, into Lifelong Nemesis Who Only Conan Could Defeat.

What's MSN's excuse?

Okay, technically the "Conan" movies are based on a series of novels created by Robert E. Howard. But Oliver Stone's screenplay and John Milius' direction is clearly influenced by Marvel's "Conan" comics of the 1970s - specifically, the ones illustrated by John Buscema. So we're willing to include Jones' imperious interpretation of the barbarian lord who raided Conan's entire village, slaughtered his family and enslaved the young Cimmerian - ultimately shaping him into the Arnold Schwarzenegger-looking gladiator he would become - on this list. Frankly, we're afraid of what he might do to us if we left him out.

1. No, technically the Conan movies are based on a character who starred in a series of short stories by Robert E. Howard. Though frankly, even that's a bit of a stretch, seeing as it isn't the same character, rather a dude with a similar name and similar setting.

2. "Jones' imperious interpretation of the barbarian lord who raided Conan's entire village, slaughtered his family and enslaved the young Cimmerian - ultimately shaping him into the Arnold Schwarzenegger-looking gladiator he would become" never existed in the comics to begin with. This was a complete invention of the filmmakers, and it would only be adopted after the films came out. Even in the comics, Thulsa Doom was a Kull villain, and the few times he did appear in Conan, he was the skull-faced sorcerer supreme of Howard's vision.

3. Hah, what would Doom possibly do if you left him out? Shoot you with a snake arrow straight out of Loony Tunes? I'd be more worried about the actual comic villains you did leave out than Doom. Case in point: in what universe is the moronic, sarcastic "Doctor Doom" from Fantastic Four a better villain than the mighty General Zod? I'd even take Von Sydow's old shame Ming the Merciless over that slimy mess.

Transformers: War for Cybertron, or, The Rise of Wheelie

It just occurred to me that I'm posting a lot of stuff that really should be the domain of The Cimmerian, which isn't what I intended for The Blog That Time Forgot. Therefore, I'm going to stick to the one thing that probably wouldn't fly on TC: Transformers!

Specifically, Transformers: War for Cybertron.

Yes, I am excited.

Age of Conan: Rise of the Godslayer Launch Trailer

Behold!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I despise the Aquiromans. It's such a slap in the face to REH, considering his intense dislike of the Empire: even pseudo-Greeks would be preferable, if they had to go with a classical source. Here, the trailer has some scenes from the Dark Horse comics (I presume), where they have a freaking Aquila at the head of an army marching out of Tarantia. Also, the Khitai bells ring with "lamentations." If I never hear that damned word uttered or written in regards to Conan ever again, I'd die a happy man.

Then there's the whole "Khitai hates Conan for murdering Yogah" story. This is, naturally, something I have a major problem with, and while Joel Bylos did an admirable job explaining to me his choices and rationalizations, I can't help but think it's yet another in the long line of problems in the game's handling of Howard's world. Then there's the "godslayer" of the title: originally I thought this was a reference to Conan himself, but the trailer seems to indicate that someone - or something - else is the deicidal culprit. I wonder if that dragon thingy at the end is the Godslayer: wouldn't surprise me.

That said, there's stuff to like. Khitai looks great, the architecture & environments atmospheric and beautiful. I always appreciate when the trailers use genuine REH, and here they use some choice phrases from "The Phoenix on the Sword" that work very well in context.

I still hate rideable tigers & wolves, though. If this was Master of the Universe Online I'd be all over it, but keep it out of Conan, guys.

Fun with Yahoo Answers

Yahoo Answers is about the most hilarious site I've come across, for all the wrong reasons.

For instance, the answer to the question will there ever be a remake of Conan the Barbarian:

Never.

Uh... huh.

More Horse's Assery, this time from Agony Column News

I'm generally dismissive of the idea that any one genre is "for" a particular age group, be it children, adolescents or adults. That's restrictive and unimaginative. Sword-and-Sorcery tends to be lumped straight into the "adolescent" pile, seeing as many inferior authors have tapped into that mindset for girls & gore for profit. However, it's no more or less inherently "adolescent" than fantasy is for kids, or crime thrillers are for adults.

With that in mind, it's easy to see where Rick Kleffel's coming from. Unfortunately, he comes to all the wrong conclusions.

First Shot of "Conan" - Sort Of

Courtesy of Mikoza over at the Robert E. Howard forums...



Take a look at this picture. This was taken on the set of "Conan" in Bulgaria. Notice anything unusual? Particularly that tall, muscular, shirtless fellow in the red wraparound?

Another reason I need to get on Age of Conan...

... So I can get onto the official forums and let people know what's what. Then again, I guess I'd spend practically zero time in the game, and most of my time prowling the forums seeking to enlighten and dispel misrepresentation.

That's it, I give up.

This guy is going to drive me totally and utterly insane. I love how Poe & Wells are "literature," while Wolfe, Vance, Howard, Tolkien et al are "escapist fiction."

And, again, literature is not a genre. It's a medium. It's like calling a great television program "television," and anything else "flickering lights on screen." Or calling great art "art" and anything else "pictures." It's garbage, plain and simple.

Silly, silly man.

Triangulation: Revenge of the Mill, African Mythology, Hawks, Dinosaurs, and Momo!

A few more posts this week rounding out April...

Sunday sees that damned mill return, and a fairly lengthy one given my opinions on everything. I still can't get over Lang bringing up Shakespeare in reference to Zym. I've made a habit of posting Patrice's approval of Momoa whenever someone brings up how Momoa "can't live up to AHNOLD" elsewhere. I really think when we see Momoa with the blue eyes & black hair, grizzled makeup and extra muscle, people might finally shut up about Momoa. I admit, I was taking a "wait and see approach" bordering on the skeptical, but as soon as he lost the dreds & goatee in more recent pictures, I was starting to see it. Indeed, it was getting to the point that I'm starting to feel sorry we wasted Momoa in this film. Now I am starting to wish it was Lutz or Padalecki.

I wish people would read the books they review.

I mean, he might have read Heroes in the Wind, but there are one or two things that suggest otherwise.

What is this I don't even

So many questions.

1. Why is Conan laying waste to a horde of geriatrics?
2. Why is he doing it through the medium of dance?
   
3. Why are people just leaving their weapons in their victims' bodies?
4. If they're Cimmerians, Picts, Aesir and/or Vanir, why do they have brown hair? And if they're Hyborians, why are they dressed and painted like savages?
5. What's the deal with that dude in the white shirt?
6. What are those foot-long ropes dangling from a few swords' pommels?
7. Is there a particular reason everyone has pouches?
   
8. Why do the heads look like they're popping off spontaneously instead of being cut off?
9. Is that snake wrapped around the dude's amputated hand laughing triumphantly?
   
10. Why are there cats running about the battlefield?
    

I'm at a loss, really. Who thought this was a good idea for the final Conan the Cimmerian cover? It looks like a Mad Magazine parody for Conan the Octogenarian: just add scythed wheelchairs, bladed zimmer frames and spiked colostomy bags, and you're good to go. Hell, it even has cats.

Just... insane.