Taking Things Literally

After my Elves in the Hyborian Age post, I was pondering this extract from "The Phoenix on the Sword":

“They will continue to think that I serve them, until our present task is completed. Who are they to match wits with Ascalante? Volmana, the dwarfish count of Karaban; Gromel, the giant commander of the Black Legion; Dion, the fat baron of Attalus; Rinaldo, the hare-brained minstrel. I am the force which has welded together the steel in each, and by the clay in each, I will crush them when the time comes. But that lies in the future; tonight the king dies.”

Wouldn't it be amusing (well, irritating to an extent, but amusing in the long run) if a future comic adaptation took "dwarfish" and "giant" altogether too literally? Conan and the Midnight God made the Giant-Kings into literal giants, after all.

Triangulation: Solomon Kane at Newport

I think I wiped myself out on Clash of the Titans. I also spent far too much time watching Invader Zim on the internet. Khalar Zym awakened fond memories.

As such, only a link for the whole week. I'll try to get back on track, perhaps some Gazetteers, Almuric or Barbarians post. Maybe finally get around to some reviews I'm still behind on. Here's hoping.

Until then...

All Shall Tremble Before The Might of Zym!

Yes, I complained about Khalar... *grits teeth* Sssssiiiinnnggggh for a while. I suggested changing it to Khalar Shah. Well, the good news is as of the most recent news snippet, he has a name change. Hooray! The bad news is...

His name is Khalar Zym.

Khalar Zym.

Zym.

I'm guessing the screenwriters never watched turn-of-the-century Nickelodeon, or they would know that "Zym" is pretty close to the name of a certain other warlord who means to dominate the world.

Mishmash of the Cretins: Director's Cut

Hades, I don't even think I have them all. Still...

Triangulation: Moore, Looming Doom & Gloom, and Trash of the Nitwits

I'm still reeling from Cash-in of the Turkeys. A film has to try to be this bad, and given the amount of money and special effects pumped into the thing, it made me more than a bit angry.

Mishmash of the Cretins: Grim Foreboding for Sword-and-Sorcery in film

Generally, there are many ways one can approach the iconic Medusa of Greek Mythology. The Gorgoneion was an apotropaic amulet of the Ancient Greeks, usually depicting a tusked, snarling, bestial face leering below a mass of writhing snakes. This form was also depicted in the Athenian symbol pictured above. Others take the serpentine approach, depicting her with an ophidian tail, scales, scutes, horns and other fearsome features, such as in Ray Harryhausen’s Clash of the Titans. Most recently, Medusa appeared in the infamous video game God of War, where she sports cobras for hair and razor-sharp claws: though her face is not quite as monstrous, she still bears fangs and a somewhat mean expression. However, the exact last approach I’d go for–indeed, the polar opposite of the mythic creature’s entire being–in a remake of Clash of the Titans is a face that elicits the response “she’s absolutely gorgeous.”

This is probably the most potent example of just how much of a colossal disaster Clash of the Titans is–and what’s most worrying of all is how the mistakes made here could so easily happen in “Conan.” I’m going to warn now that the plot of the film–and that of “Conan”–will be dissected, destroyed and defenestrated forthwith, though frankly, if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve pretty much seen the whole film anyway.

Elves in the Hyborian Age

Inspired by this... astonishing thread.

I was wondering today, wouldn't it be great if there were elves in Age of Conan? I mean.. elves & boobs is a good combo!

Wow and all the other big MMOs like WAR and Darkfall have them so its obvious if you want conan to be the best you gotta have elves. It would make perfect sense in the lore cause we can just have them in next expansion, have them been in very deep slumber for a long time, and only just awakened in the forest of Cimmeria. Elves Vs Cimmerians! I mean isnt Vanir boring?

I mean we cud make them like really darker by giving them blood, and ofc having them show boobs more for the adults! But also they dont have to have pointy ears, why not just make them like bear shamans on acid?

So yeah I think elves should be in AoC! Cud even make a storyline with conan in killing the elves i mean how awesome would it be to see conan chopping elven heads screaming "For Aqulona! Elves must die!" and u fight beside him and stuff.

When is a faithful adaption not a faithful adaptation?

I love this.

A barbarian trained in the arts of war joins with thieves in a quest to solve the riddle of steel and find the sorcerer responsible for the genocide of his people in this faithful adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s sword and sorcery adventures.

What a faithful adaptation indeed... even though absolutely nothing listed in that synopsis happens in Robert E. Howard's sword and sorcery adventures.

Trained in the arts of war? Didn't happen.
Joins with thieves in a quest to solve a riddle of steel? Didn't happen.
Sorcerer responsible for the genocide of his people? Didn't happen.

Maybe it's a case of "in order to be faithful to the spirit, you can't be faithful to the letter" or some such nonsense.

Triangulation: Gazetteers, Barbarians, Milius, Momoa and Empire

I just have to post a link to the Keegans' April Fool's gag. This was great fun, and I'd love to see some more crazy Two-Gun Bob crossovers!

Belated April Fool's

I had plans for an April Fool's gag. Oh, I had plans.

Remember Conan the Sumerian? I was going to do that. Try to divine more about the Conan universe of John Milius, with absolutely zero reference to Robert E. Howard's work.