Tuesday 9 March 2010

And Now, Some Nonsense: Conan in Cage Match 2010

Yay, Comic Book Battles!

It seems to be a particular thing for guys to make things compete. Who would win in a gunfight, George Washington or Teddy Roosevelt? Who would win in a race, a snail or a slug? Who would win in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Stephen Fry or Ronnie Corbet? Guys are weird, aren't we?

Being a very rough-and-tumble sort of guy, Conan turns up in these a lot. Here's one that caught me attention.

Harry Dresden vs Conan

Well, I like Harry. The stories are great fun, and the finale of Dead Beat is about the most awesome thing I've ever read. However, I do know that he'd go down before Conan, and this is not a case of liking Conan more. (I know that Kratos would kill Conan, and I freaking hate Kratos, which is why I always insist they at least give Conan a Yuetshi Blade, an Akbitanan sword with the Mark of Epemitreus, the Heart of Ahriman, the Xuthallan Elixir and Khemsa's Girdle to even things up a notch).

The critical mistake: Harry will underestimate Conan. That is the ultimate problem all sorcerers, wizards, necromancers and magicians make with our favourite barbarian: they simply don't account how scarily fast the dude is. He dodged what amounted to ray-blasts ("Red Nails") in close proximity, he can fling projectiles faster than the eye can follow with lethal velocity ("Rogues in the House", "Black Colossus"), and he himself can move damn fast.

It'd be a hell of a battle. If/when Conan wins, he'll advance in the brackets. He'll go on to face the winner between Rand Al'Thor (Wheel of Time, Robert Jordan) and Locke Lamora (The Lies of Locke Lamora, Scott Lynch). I'd almost vote for Locke just to spite Jordan, but then, I don't think even Conan could take out Rand Al'Thor, which depresses me a lot. Conan could totally take Locke though.

Should the popularity vote will out (and it shouldn't, really: unless they give Conan the Heart of Ahriman, he simply can't stop Rand Al'Thor), it'll be between Roland Deschain (The Dark Tower, grrr Stephen King) or Elric, then Gandalf or Hiro Protagonist

It looks like Roland and Gandalf will throw down (even though I wouldn't count Elric out). Of the two, Roland will probably win, grr Steven King. And honestly, who's going to vote a swordsman winning a gunfight? Then again, that old sword-fling might result in mutually assured destruction. I'm pretty sure Roland wouldn't see that coming.

Anyway, everyone go vote for Conan. Or Harry, should you wish to vote for the wrong choice.


EDIT: Apparently, GRRM himself commented on the Jaime vs Hermione throwdown:

No, no.

Jaime does not actually own a Valyrian steel sword. The blade he used to kill King Aerys is common castle-forged steel, gilded to match his golden armor. But he can certainly get hold of a Valyrian blade for the fight — Widow’s Wail, the twin to Oathkeeper, both made when his father had Ice melted down and reforged. Widow’s Wail went to Joffrey, but we all know how that turned out. Now it belongs to Tommen, but the kid’s not old enough to use it.

A sword is not enough, though. This duel is life and death. Jaime is not likely to prance into that clearing smiling and clad only in cloth. He’ll armor himself before the match. His gilded plate-and-mail (this is not a fit occasion for the white of the Kingsguard), a crimson cloak, and a shield strapped to his right arm and emblazoned with the lion of Lannister. And of course he will have a helm. Knights who enter battle without one are soon dead. He can smile at Hermione before the match, then lower his visor. The helm, of course, would be fashioned in the shape of a maned lion. (Oddly enough, the Lannister arms look a lot like those of Gryffindor, which might give Hermione a moment’s pause).

He’s not going to waste time and effort swatting at birds with his sword, either. He’s encased in gilded steel. What are they going to do, crap on him? He’ll rush right through the birds, and go straight for Hermione. A sword is not a knight’s only weapon. While she’s watching the blade, he will slam his shield right into her face, knock her off her feet. Let her try and mumble those spells with a mouthful of broken teeth.

And if somehow Granger does get off that spell (cheating, really) and turn him upside down, Jaime is more likely to undo the straps on his shield and fling it at her head then to hang there meekly waiting to die.

But hey, let’s say everything goes the way your “experts” say it will, and Hermione wins. Sad to say, she will not live long to enjoy her victory. Sometime very soon, when she least expects it, a “boy” she does not know will bump up against her in the corridors of Hogwarts… and suddenly she’ll find a dagger sliding through her ribs, right into her heart. “A Lannister always pays his debts,” Tyrion will say, as he slips back into the shadows.

Good to know he's working hard on A Dance With Dragons instead of going to football matches and going to message boards debating on whether one of his characters could beat another author's characters in a scrap or anything...


  1. I've always hated these things.. when I was growing up the big one was always " Who would win, Goku or Superman"

    or the Perenial favorite, " Unicron vs the Deathstar "...

  2. It's actually Stephen King. And what's wrong with him? Granted, much of his work leaves...something to be desired, but some of his short stories are well worth reading.

  3. Lagomorph: I think the Goku/Superman debate was a few generations later than my heyday. Most of my childhood battles were Star Trek/Star Wars, and being a Trekkie, didn't usually end up well for me. I always went with Unicron, since he's unambiguously stated as the size of Saturn in the comics. He'd pick planets the size of Alderaan out of his teeth. Plus he's a dark god. Of course, that means Galvatron would be the size of a planet himself...

    Taran, Crom damn it I actually KNEW it was Stephen King, but for some reason I convinced myself otherwise without checking. My "Grr" references are mostly just leftover distaste for some of his quotes about REH in "On Writing", the bits Del Rey don't put on the covers. Not nearly as bad as Moorcock can be, but since he hasn't elaborated on Howard in over 30 years, I still place him with that old quack.

    What King stories would you recommend? I confess I haven't read much outside the novels.

  4. I'm afraid Jaime Lannister will lose to that silly I Know Everything-Hermione just because HP has more fans. And that will suck.

  5. Obviously (that she'll win, and that it'll suck). They'll just pile on the "Avada Kedavra" argument even though Hermie wouldn't ever use an Unforgivable Curse even if her life depended on it. She'd probably end up using Confringo, Confundo, Deprimo, Obscuro, Petrificus Totalus, Avis Oppugno, Cave Inimicum...

    ... Yeah, I actually read Harry Potter. Know your enemy!

  6. I read the first two and skimmed the next two - my nephew was a fan - but angsty teenagers don't work for me, not even if they attend a mgic school. ;)

  7. Kratos finally does grow up in iii......after destroying the world. He's likable in ascension

    1. So I've heard: I might get around to Ascension.