The Second Scottish Invasion of Cross Plains: Day 3

Since I had such a fantastic time, this is going to be a very short post, but fear not: it WILL be substantially expanded later with a lot more detail.

08:00 Breakfast

Bacon & Egg tacos.  Glorious. 

09:00 The Pavillion

Chatted with lots of folk.  Bought Dreams in the Fire.  Then the library.

10:00 Paul and Conan at the Movies

Superb stuff.  See Ben Friberg's videos if/when he posts them.

Circa 11:30

Lunch at the Bank, had a grilled chicken sandwich.  Glorious.  We saw a few Howard Days folk, then back to the library.  I've made it a custom to buy a Howard manuscript facsimile every year, and this was no exception: last year was "The Sword Woman," this year I went with "The Black Stranger."  Fredrik Malmberg passed by, and actually came up and said it was alright for me to talk about everything I saw at yesterday's panel - this was something I discussed on Conan Movie Blog.  So, the president, CEO and Co-Founder of Paradox Entertainment - or at least someone with his ear - has been reading Conan Movie Blog.  And Mr Malmberg personally took the time to tell me it was alright.  Awesome.

The heat was really getting to me, and since I didn't have a lot of sleep, I reluctantly missed the second two panels, even though I dearly wanted to see them.  I had a lie down (siesta, to use the local parlance), and though there were two irritating flies, I certainly needed it for what was to come.

Circa 15:30 What's happening with REH?

Rusty Burke, Rob Roehm, Fredrik Malmberg, Joakim Zetterberg and Leslie Buhler talked about the next stuff from Paradox, CPI and the REH Foundation.  Some of the exciting announcements:

 - The next REH Foundation collection will be the Spicies, and Rob noted that some of Howard's typescripts were quite a bit raunchier than the final tales
 - The Del Reys are not at an end, but on a hiatus, waiting to see how much demand for more REH there will be after the film
 - Future volumes mentioned include "the Northern stuff," three boxing collections, errata for stuff that doesn't fit elsewhere, and a second edition Collected Poems of REH (YES!)
 - The Kull film is moving forward, and Sean Hood's working on the script
 - Christophe Gans has been developing a script for Dark Agnes.

That last announcement had me absolutely squealing with delight.  While hardly an ideal choice, from a realistic standpoint, Gans may well be one of the best choices to get an Aggie film actually made.  I overheard that the script was described as "Kill Bill in the Middle Ages."  Stupendous - as long as they don't pull a Red Sonja with a rape origin or some such.  Plus he's French, so him making a film about a French character has a nice synchronicity with the English MJB making a film about the English Solomon Kane.

Circa 16:30 Signing

Got Mark & Amy to sign Dreams in the Fire, and ran to the hotel to get changed.

Circa 17:00 Caddo Peak Ranch

Got to Caddo Peak Ranch.  I got acquainted with another newbie (present at the poetry throwdown last night) called Aurelia.  She captured the hearts and minds of just about every male present with her earnestness, erudition, intelligence and simple charm.  Plus she was gorgeous, that helped.  With a capital G.  I also talked with many other folks.

Ascending the Peak

I climbed Caddo Peak.  It was arduous: my calves were shorting out every dozen or so steps, so I had to rest to let them reenergize.  The heat didn't help at all.  But I succeeded.  I wasn't alone, of course: Keith, Aurelia, Matthew, Don, Kevin, Miguel and more conquered the Callahan County Mountain.  I momentarily lost my hat, but a mighty soul saved it from the ages and we reunited.  I found a rock.

The Barbeque

I talked with Don, Kevin, Aurelia, Todd, Frank and Gary about all manner of things: Scotland, independence et al.  I had barbecue.  You know what it was, and it had a capital G too.

The Pavillion

I talked with many people, well into the wee hours.  Said goodbyes.  Have fallen hopelessly in love with Aurelia.  Now I really have to get some sleep.

The Second Scottish Invasion of Cross Plains: Day 2

Now we get into the death-grip, the real Howard Days festivities begin!

08:45 Coffee & Donuts at the Pavillion

In one of my many foreigner moments, I set the alarm clock for 7:00 PM, as opposed to AM.  Confound it all.  In any case, I was awakened by the Weird Sisters, caught a quick shower, and got up and ready in about 20 minutes.  Then onto the Pavillion.

The heat was not intense, and I was coping alright.  The shower helped, since my long locks were still soaked in water, which helped cool my head.  Thanks, ma!  I had a banana and drink of milk for breakfast, leaving room for one of those gargantuan American donuts.  When in Rome, and all that.  During this, I got reacquainted with many of the folk from yesterday, seeing all the new arrivals.  I recall many faces from last year, but because I'm atrocious with names, I often fall into the dreaded "Oh, hello!  It's yourself!  How are you?" trap, desperately trying not to give the game away even though it would save embarassment just to admit my silliness.  At least I remembered Keith, a remembrance I'm proud of.

We got registered, and watched the walking tour depart.  It was with great delight I noticed I had a special REHupan badge with a blue border: whee!  Little things like that keep me amused.

09:00 The Howard House... Again

We went back into the Howard House for another jaunt, but this time I had cash with me. Bwahahaha. I made a point of restricting myself to only buy items I could carry home comfortably in a briefcase that were of a uniform size, so sadly, no Dreams in the Fire (this time: I'll get there, dammit!) or the many similarly sized collections.  However, I did buy two Spectrum REH specials (one including an interview with Mark), The Drawings of Robert E. Howard (something I really wanted to get), and the new centennial retrospective of Cross Plains.  All were around the same size, so they'd fit well into a case. I neglected to mention I bought the latest Two Gun Raconteur from Damon last night. Plenty of reading material for the plane home!

A sight that near rent my heart in twain was next: a box of The Cimmerian issues.  I don't make a song-and-dance about it, but back when Leo announced that he was planning on destroying the remaining copies, I immediately resolved that I would do my damnedest to make sure as many as possible weren't lost.  Thus, I bought the entire Cimmerian library.  Cost me an arm and a leg, the single biggest investment I've ever made for such a subject, and I think I'm still feeling the cost today.  So it was with a hint of vague annoyance tempered with delighted recognition that I saw these Cimmerian issues were on sale for a fraction of the original price.  I could've done with a discount like that back then.  Still, I consoled myself by thinking "hey, that just means there are more copies out there that can be read and savoured."

09:45 The Library

Next we drove along to attend the panels, and see how the Dan Goudey Memorial was coming along.  I should note that something seemed to go wrong in our car, so that instead of the air conditioner blowing cool air, it blew hot air.  So you can imagine I was somewhat uncomfortable, much as I'd imagine I'd be uncomfortable if you dropped me in a vat of boiling oil without my express consent. This would be a problem throughout the day.

Luckily, the library isn't a far drive, so I survived.  Barely.  We all arrived and said hello to Linda and the rest, caught up on everything.  I then saw how the memorial was coming along: apparently there had been setbacks, but it's at least a third finished.  It looks lovely so far, and I applaud the decision to split it into parts, in case the library has to move, or anything.

The first panel of the day was Rusty & Indy relating the history of Howard Days itself.  Very informative and fun little reminisces peppered throughout, accompanied by a slideshow with the younger Messrs Burke & Cavalier, as well as documents and stories of the time.  Ben Friberg was present to record, and I hope he puts it up on youtube so I can link it here in future.

EDIT: Here we go! As Ben uploads the parts onto Youtube, I'll update the post to show them here.





12:00 Hot dogs at the Pavillion

We drove back, and saw Paul Sammon walking with Gary Romeo back to the Pavillion.  Ever the generous Scots (we have a reputation to uphold) we offered to give them a lift, and so Paul & Gary were squished into a car containing four displaced Scots.  As Gran said, "Aberdonian transport." We had hot dogs at the Pavillion, and I mostly chatted with Miguel about all manner of subjects, though again, I talked with a bunch of others.

13:00 Dennis & Damon

Dennis McHaney and Damon Sasser, being the guests of honour, had their own panel, where they discussed Howard 'zines.  I can't do it justice: too much information to relay.  Again, I hope Ben pulls through.

14:15 Amy & Barbara

I was really anxious to see this panel due to my vested interest in Howard's women (both characters and fans), and I offered to help out in any way.  They didn't need it: they discussed the Cimbri woman of "Echoes from an Iron Harp," Dark Agnes, Olivia, Valeria, Red Sonya and a variety of others.  I chimed in with Helen Tavrel in the Q&A - I think she's very underrated as a very complex, vulnerable, sword woman - and there was lots of comment from the audience.  Occassionally Barbara nodded in my direction when they forgot a story's name ("I'm helping!"), and you might hear that Scottish brogue in a video near you.

We then drove to the High School, and the air conditioning situation showed no signs of abating.  Worse, it was at the hottest part of the day.  It got to the point where I actually felt cooler outside in the 98 degree sun than in the car.  I don't think that's how air conditioning works.

15:30 High School and Conan

Now, this is going to be short, as I'm going to be working on a full report of what I saw of the new Conan film for Conan Movie Blog.  However, as we walked in, we encountered Matthew, an acquaintance from the previous Howard Days which the Weird Sisters were very fond of, and I was very happy to see him return too.  It really started to feel less like being in a foreign country, and more like visiting the family for the weekend.

I also got to play around with some of the film props: the sword of Corin, Conan's sword, Marique's Stygian Claws, a broken Mask of Acheron (how in blazes do you break a foam mask? UST found a way), Conan's necklace, and - get this - a spyglass.  That's right, a Hyborian spyglass. I'm not quite sure what to make of it: it seems somewhat feasible, but I'm not up to speed on optics technology.  Anyway.  Since the Weird Sisters had departed to get ready for the banquet, I got a lift from Barbara, where I talked with Miguel.  He isn't convinced about the film, and he continues to disagree with me on Solomon Kane.  Such is the nature of Howardom, and I love it.

18:00 To the Community Centre

After a good while lying down and resting, I got ready for the banquet. As per last year, I donned my linen suit (seen in the penultimate post on The Cimmerian blog), with the addition of my sweet new cowboy hat.  Another drive, and by this time I was ready to leap out of the moving car - though this particular make, a Buick of some form, had a mechanism which prevented the doors from opening when the car's moving. Blast.

We sat down to dinner after looking at the silent auction items, seated at a table along with to Matthew, Ben Friberg, Mark Finn & his wife Cathy, Ed Chaczyk, Paul Herman, Fredrik Malmberg and Joakim Zetterburg.  There were a number of presentations: a lovely wee girl recited her essay for the Robert E. Howard Foundation Scholarship, Dennis & Damon spoke for a bit on their 'zines and 'Zine history in general, Arlene Stephenson laid down the law in terms of table manners and food gathering procedure.

We had Texas food: tacos with a variety of sauces.  Knowing the power of Mexican cuisine, I choose a fairly dull stir-fried chicken with rice and a great dollop of avocado sauce.  I have the Scots of Arizona to thank for turning me onto that delicious new taste.  Refried beans is awfully Texan too. After eating, the final five minutes of the silent auction were announced, and to my (in retrospect, redundant) disappointment, nearly everything I had my eye on was already hiking up in price.  Usually it was Paul Sammon.  On the other hand, I simply didn't have the space in my suitcase, so ultimately it's for the best.  I just don't know when I'm going to see those Wandering Stars again...

Then the Awards.  I was up for an award, but seeing as there were eighteen other entries, I wasn't expecting anything.  Same as last year: nice to be nominated, but I'm hardly there yet.  So the winners are announced and then the Cimmerians for Outstanding Achievement in Blog Posts comes along.  Third place goes to Barbara Barrett, and given that she's the most prolific of us - spread out across four blogs - damn right.  Second place was Al Harron for The Cimmerian and The Blog That Time Forgot.  Alright, that's pretty neat, Al was nominated last year for the Venarium but didn't get it, so...

Wait, I'm Al Harron!  I won an award!

(Miguel has an awesome picture of my expression upon winning, which was entirely gratuitous and over the top, but I genuinely didn't think I'd win anything this year.  This picture will go here)

At the time, I was floating above the clouds: to think, I got one of those little plaques that shows the heavy hitters of Howardom are thinking "hey, great job, dude, have a little plaque that shows the heavy hitters of Howardom are thinking "hey, great job, dude..."" And I honestly didn't think I'd have a chance against the likes of Keith or Damon's spectacular work.  But here I am, with the little plaque.  It's something, I tell you.  I'm having little ideas about putting a "Winner of an REH Foundation Award" picture in the top right corner like how TC had the World Fantasy Award, but that might be silly.

Anyway, I was pretty much flabberghasted by this.  The road back to the Pavillion was light and airy on account of me perambulating several inches above the ground, and we went to the poetry reading.

I'll expand this post when I have time, but I really must get some sleep.  Clutching my award.

The Second Scottish Invasion of Cross Plains: Day 1

Here it is folk's, the first report of the first day at Cross Plains.  I'm just going to jot everything down as I remember it, and hopefully that reminds me of further things for posterity.  I would put pictures up, but I can't get the damned thing to connect to the computer (something like "power input incompatible" or such) and in any case, I might forget things.  So, onward!

S.H.I.E.L.D.W.A.L.L. Operation Illuminate

============================

WARNING: CLASSIFIED MATERIAL

UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS WILL BE DETECTED, OBSERVED, AND SEVERELY DEALT WITH TO THE FULL EXTENT OUTSIDE THE LAW

THIS IS YOUR SOLE WARNING
============================

07/06/11

Shieldbearers,

I'm mobilizing for Operation Albanach Invasion as we speak, so I'm not going to be able to engage in operations for a while.  But that's no reason I should keep all the fun from you folks, so I'm going to post the review in its entirety now, and invite you to comment in the comments section: I'll be updating this alert with my analysis in due course.  I'll just say that Subject Bittertree has some very good company in Zack Davisson - if the latter's advance review for Savage Sword of Robert E. Howard is any indication.

Even though he is one of my favorites, I will be the first to admit that Robert E. Howard was not a great writer. He was mediocre at best, with limited style and skills, stilted dialog, often hack-kneed plots, and shallow, one-dimensional characters. But somehow, through some mystical confluence of inspiration and muse, when Robert E. Howard wrote Conan he was transfigured; he became a great writer, one of the greatest. But only when he was writing Conan.

Okay, so I'm being uncharitable. Howard also did a good job with King Kull, Solomon Kane and a few others. His work was character-driven; if he had a good character, he produced good writing. If he had a great character, he produced great writing. And if he had a mediocre or completely lame character… well, you can guess what level of writing he produced.

Dark Horse took on a daring challenge with Robert E. Howard’s Savage Sword: to take these lesser-known, lesser-written characters and make good comics. Sailor Steve Costigan. The desert gunslinger El Borak. Dark Agnes de Chastillon, who would be combined with another Howard creation Red Sonya of Rogatino to become the comic character Red Sonja. The Viking Niord. Not exactly household names. There are six stories in total, two of them continuing serials, one a reprint from 1970s fantasy anthologies, and one an illustrated version with Howard’s text. That makes for a good mix, and allows new readers to pick up any issue while still encouraging ongoing collection.

I am impressed with the results. One of the benefits of using the lower-grade Howard pantheon is that the writers are more free to write their own stories. When I read Conan comics, I am constantly comparing them to Howard’s Conan and am nitpicky about the departures. But when I read this El Borak story, I just sit back and enjoy.

The showpiece of this anthology is El Borak, the Texas-Cowboy-in-the-Middle-East who makes his first comic appearance here. Rendered by writer Mark Finn and artist Greg Scott, El Borak is remarkably well done, with cinematic pacing and imagery. This story is an original piece by Finn, set as a sequel to Howard’s El Borak adventure Hawk of the Hills. Finn and Scott have obviously studied their desert adventure flicks from the period, because they captured the look and feel just right. The sword duel between El Borak and Hakim Khan was fantastic -- beautifully written, beautifully drawn.

The Dark Agnes is another original story, which is not surprising as Howard only wrote three Dark Agnes stories. This Dark Agnes is still a “She-Devil with a Sword” but don’t expect her to run around in a chainmail bikini. Written by Marc Andreyko with pencils by Robert Atkins, Dark Agnes is one of the two continuing serials. Andreyko gave Dark Agnes a more feminist theme than Howard probably intended, but then he was a 1930s Texan. Atkins’ art is good enough, but not particularly memorable.

I have never liked Sailor Steve Costigan, and the story here didn’t convince me otherwise. He is one of Howard’s “fighting characters,” a tough guy who gets into problems then settles them with his fists -- basically Popeye will all the mirth sucked out. Writer Joe Casey and artist Pop Mhan do their best to make something out of the meager source material. Mhan in particular draws some interesting faces, while Casey tries to weave some twists and turns into the tale. But ultimately it is a typical Sailor Steve Costigan adventure, and he just punches people until he wins. The following Sea Cruise, which combines Howard’s original text with illustrations by Tim Seeley, is a far better story. The scene of a corpse getting its eyes eaten out by crabs is one of the best in the book.

The Valley of the Worm is the sole reprint, coming from 1972's Supernatural Thrillers #3. Story-wise, this may be the worst in the book. It is a typical Howard device of a modern man experiencing his wild past life where he was a powerful barbarian warrior. The story is entirely saved by Gil Kane’s perfect art, looking even more beautiful with modern coloring.

And finally comes Conan. There is something primal about Conan. He dominates the book as soon as he steps on the page. You get the feeling that Conan would easily take down everyone else in this book without dinging his sword raising a sweat. Paul Tobin and Wellington Alves do the Conan story The Jewels of Hastern, and do it well. I haven’t heard of either Tobin or Wellington, but they get right into the heart of Conan with a story that's all blood, women, jewels and strange gods -- the way a Conan story should be. Artist Wellington did a great job on the armor and castle setting of the story, and Tobin leaves the story on the edge of a climax, leaving the reader wanting to flip the next page but being forced to wait until the next volume of this anthology comes out.

I don't think there's a single sentence in this document that I can leave without comment.  However, time is of the essence: I invite all S.H.I.E.L.D.W.A.L.L. agents and allies to address this review, utilizing the Utterance Device located below. As ever, keep the mantra of savage courtesy in mind.

Shields Up,

--Agent Taranaich

Mo reasons to love Momo

Arnold's Conan did a few impressive things.  He lifted a giant bowl of green soul.  He pushed a giant wheel.  He... *sigh* knocked out a camel with a punch.

He didn't, however, rip a man's tongue out through his own throat.

I will not have your body burned. I will not give you that honour. The beetles will feed on your eyes. The worms will crawl through your lungs. The rain will fall on your rotting skin... until nothing is left of you but bones.

You'll notice Drogo doesn't even seem to register the flesh wound on his chest from the khopesh (and we seriously need a moratorium on those, they're getting like the katana for the 21st Century), treating it with no more concern than a nettle sting.  Also, that he drops his two tiny knives during the fight: he is Khal Drogo, he doesn't need weapons to kill a man. And to top it all off, he goes all Ken-"Fist of the North Star"-shiro with a final quip.



As with the last showcase of Momo's talent, I really hope Nispel and the gang gave Conan a scene remotely as badass as this one.  Literary Conan certainly had his share of highlights, and it would be nice to have one that doesn't involve animal abuse or lifting heavy things, and hopefully not just rip off one of those moments from the stories.  If there's one thing we can probably depend on, though, it's ingenuity in gory fight scenes.

* I will note that the scene isn't perfect, for the same reason the last one wasn't: Dothraki extras in Game of Thrones suck.  They really suck.  Suuuuuuuck.  In the last video, they didn't seem nearly as fired up as Momoa, reducing the impact of the scene entirely.  I've already talked about how I hate their visual design.  In this case, it's Drogo's "opponent" - more like Drogo's victim.  That guy who challenged Drogo looks like no threat whatsoever to Drogo: surely if you want to show how badass Drogo is, you give him an opponent that looks like he could pose a challenge?  Then, when Drogo defeats him he looks even more dominant? I wasn't remotely worried about Drogo here, and arguably we probably got that point - but that doesn't make it a fight, that makes it butchery.

When Conan fought someone, they were usually treated as dangerous threats.  Howard wrote about their victories, size, deadliness, prowess.  Sergius of Khrosha, Zaporavo, Baal-Pteor, Shah Amurath, the Adventurer, Olgerd.  Conan defeated them all, and while the difficulty of those victories varied, Conan either came out more imperssive because he made them look like nobodies, or because he just barely managed to survive against a truly formidable opponent.  This guy fighting Drogo's a nobody, Drogo defeated him like a nobody, and all I thought during the fight was "how's Drogo going to defeat this nobody?" I'm not going to recall this fight scene as "do you remember when Khal Drogo defeated that challenger to his rule," but "do you remember when Khal Drogo owned that cocky little punk?" Considering we'll (probably) never see Khal truly fight in the series, it's a shame this one fight scene wasn't what I was hoping for.  Ah well. 

Robert E. Howard and the Bechdel Test

/bech·del test/ n.

1. It has to have at least two women in it

2. Who talk to each other

3. About something besides a man

As far as I can understand it, the Bechdel Test is a deceptively simple test which, while not damning or indicting in itself, does highlight a somewhat disquieting trend in the cinematic treatment of female characters.

This video from The Feminist Frequency (who I have my disagreements with, but largely respect her opinions on some matters) gives us the gist of it, as well as highlights how worryingly common it is, even in recent times.



Hmm...

Maps for a Land I've Never Seen...

The official map over at ConantheBarbarianIn3D.com encapsulates exactly what my problem with the film is.  And, to echo what I said over at CMB:

Let’s imagine Warner Brothers do something like this for The Hobbit: a stylized map showing all the regions in the film. Someone who knows nothing of Middle earth might see a cosy little village with doors in the hills; a stately town hidden in the mountains; high peaks shrouded in mist; a dark forest housing a hidden city and a black fortress; a grim mountain circled by a dragon; a city standing on a lake. A Tolkien fan, however, wouldn’t even need map markers to know what they were looking at – Hobbiton in the Shire; Rivendell; the Misty Mountains; Mirkwood, the Wood-elves’ realm and Dol Goldur; the Lonely Mountain and Smaug; Laketown.

A Conan fan doesn’t have that pleasure looking at this map. If I didn’t already know about the locations, I probably couldn’t even hazard a guess as to what the dark fortress, Greek-looking city, Middle-Eastern-looking city and coastal fort could be. I’ve even seen comments on the internet thinking the dark fortress, Middle-Eastern city and desert is Stygia, the Greek-Influenced Monastery and forest is Aquilonia, and the pirate ship is somewhere out on the Western Ocean in Tortage. Even considering that the broad location of the film is set on the “savage coast” of Turan, it’s parts of Turan we haven’t seen in any of the stories.

So the idea that the filmmakers have spent all this time and money making a completely new world when they already have 80 years’ worth of legend to draw from is… well, it is what it is, is all.

Then I imagined what a map of actual Conan stories would be like.  Conan the Barbarian: Black Colossus would have Kuthchemes, Khoraja, Aphaka, Altaku, Shamla Pass, maybe Eruk and Akbatana.  Conan the Barbarian: Queen of the Black Coast would have Messantia, the Black Coast, the Zarkheba River, the City of the Winged One, possibly adding Abombi, the Stygian Coast and Khemi.  Conan the Barbarian: The People of the Black Circle would have Ayodhya, Peshkauri, Ghor, Zhaibar Pass, the Gurashah Valley, Mount Yimsha.  King Conan: The Hour of the Dragon would feature Belverus, Tarantia, the Valkia, Poitain, Valbroso's castle, Messantia, Khemi, the Valley of Lions.

Wouldn't that be cool?

Good Scot/Bad Scot: Being in America

I figure I might as well give my thoughts on what I hate and love about America through the medium of flip-flopping Scotsman.  Now, some of these are only problems if you're a foreigner in a strange country: I can't imagine many Americans feeling the same, though hopefully they sympathize.  In addition, a lot of the Bad Scot entries aren't problems per se, more like culture clashes that the belligerent Scot in me treats as monstrous inconviniences (as is the way of the belligerent Scot).  Onward!

The Return of Jim Cornelius

Another Cimmerian alumnus has set up a new base of operations: adventurer, traveller and all-around explorer Jim Cornelius has established Frontier Partisans. His inaugural post is on Charles de Langlade's triumph over Major Robert Rogers' Rangers. Really rivetting. Rrr.

Jime alerts me that the site will focus around historical storytelling of North America, Africa, Central Asia and beyond, with book and film reviews on the subject, as well as musings on the adventurer's way of life. It's going on my bookmarks.

Isaiah Mustafa MUST SUCCEED.

Alright, we all know I really, really want Isaiah Mustafa to be Luke Cage.  Fortuitously, Isaiah Mustafa really, really wants to be Luke Cage too: so much, in fact, that he shot this little teaser video giving us an idea of what a Luke Cage movie might be like.



Admittedly, my preferred choice of Luke Cage film would be one set in the '70s with the rest of the Heroes for Hire, but damn, I'll take this.

Hollywood, you know the drill: give Isaiah Mustafa whatever the hell he needs to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Just don't Jonah Hex it.