Showing posts with label 8-Year-Old Reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 8-Year-Old Reviews. Show all posts

Monday, 9 July 2018

8-Year-Old Reviews: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Part 1


Yet if you can't go back to the island, how can you call it Jurassic World? Well, maybe we just need to change the meaning of that phrase. Ever since JPIII, the world has known about Isla Nublar. Jurassic World is a worldwide phenomenon. Yet even before the park was made public all those years ago, BioSyn was hunting for clues, wanting to get a piece of the resurrected dinosaur pie.

Wu leaving the island with the embryos is a pretty tantalizing sequel hook. Of course there are probably still nutters in the military desperate for Raptor Commando Squad, but why focus only on military applications? Indeed, what if Wu went further than InGen, and brought dinosaurs to the world on a scale they never imagined? Having a park populated with giant deadly carnivores is risky, but what about a number of smaller, safer parks with those baby Triceratops, Apatosaurus and Gallimimus, genetically altered to inhibit growth to create "pet" dinosaurs a fraction of the size? The dinosaurs aren't cheap now, but that's because they cared enough to do them right - in the absence of extinct species protection laws, who's to say some company or another will just create inferior knock-off dinosaurs from stolen DNA? Perhaps advances in genetic technology and recreation revolutionise the techniques, making them cheap and reliable enough for multiple applications. Soon dinosaurs could become as normalised as dogs, cats, horses and livestock are now.

The park may be gone, but it's still a Jurassic World. 
 - Me being a soothsayer, 3 years ago

There are good films, and there are bad films, so it seems to go. Some are universally accepted; others have a mixed reception; still more are curate's eggs or flawed masterpieces. As I've watched more films, read more about film theory, and engaged in my own criticism, I can never escape the same conclusion - film criticism is completely and utterly subjective. Films are art. How can it be otherwise?

Yet there's part of us as a collective so obsessed with quantification of everything, we end up applying maths to them - a certain rating, a certain percentage, a certain number. I'd say there absolutely is a place for maths in art, but to act as if it is the be-all-end-all of all artistic expression seems, to me, to be stripping subjectivity from the equation altogether. It's the difference between saying "this film is" and "I think this film is." One is an observation, the other is about what the film meant to you.

36-year-old Aly, is this just a roundabout way of trying to justify that you liked Jurassic World while still acknowledging its weaknesses?

More like trying to understand why I liked it, 8-year-old Aly. After all, there are dinosaur movies I - well, we - don't like, despite dinosaurs. I think it's because even the least celebrated Jurassic Park films have something in them that makes you think.

So this film made you think?

Oh, it sure did.


Sunday, 14 June 2015

8-Year-Old Reviews: Jurassic World

We’re going to grow old but never grow up.
We’re going to stay 18 years old and we’re going to love dinosaurs forever.
 - Ray Harryhausen & Ray Bradbury made a pact together. They never broke it as long as they lived.

A review 22 years in the making.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

8-Year-Old Previews: Lego Jurassic World



Well, this is a pleasant surprise. I was aware of the upcoming sets, but I wasn't expecting a game to be part of the deal. (Perhaps I should have, given the mid-credits cameo at the end of Lego Batman 3.) This is relevant to my interests.

My niece is only a bit older than I was when I saw Jurassic Park in cinemas, and my youngest cousin is still a babby. As such, I feel I have Uncle's/Older Cousin's Rights to be excited about a dinosaur game I could play with my younger family members. However, when it comes to suggestions for the game, I must defer to 8-Year-Old Aly. He knows a lot more about dinosaurs than I do, after all.

Enough talking, 30-Year-Old Aly, let's get down to business.

Right-o.


Thursday, 27 February 2014

8-Year-Old Aly Reviews: Walking With Dinosaurs IN 3D CANCELLED

29-year-old Aly here. A while ago, I saw Walking With Dinosaurs in 3D, figuring it would make for a good 8-year-old review. But unfortunately shortly after returning from the cinema, 8-year-old Aly was suddenly unwell, and is now in his room with a hot toddy.


Please ignore the ominous rumbling, I assure you there is nothing to worry about...

Thursday, 25 July 2013

8-Year-Old Reviews: Pacific Rim

To my utter outrage, there was no option to select Scotland at the Pacific Rim Jaeger Designer. They have Togo and the Vatican City, but no Scotland. This would not stand! Alternate names considered: Bagpipes Shoogle, Buckfast Nevis, Tartan Shufty, Glaikit Pibroch, Hootsmon Bampot, Doric Galoot, Shortbread Numpty, Stookey Teuchter, Beastie Gallus, Crabbit Blether, Muckle Skiver, Clootie Havers.

Third time's a charm, eh Aly?

WOO WOOWOOWOOWOOWOO THIS WAS AMAZING BEST FILM EVER GOOD GRIEF WHY CAN'T MORE FILMS BE LIKE THIS SEE SEE THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT MORE LIKE THIS JUST GET GUILLERMO DEL TORO TO MAKE EVERY BLOCKBUSTER FROM NOW ON RIGHT DO IT HOLLYWOOD YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE

Aly, I'm going to have to insist you stop with the capital locks, alright?

BUT FILM CRITIC HULK DOES IT

And Film Critic Hulk's often cogent and interesting views are difficult to read when you eschew punctuation and proper case, aren't they?

... Alright, alright, I'll go with boring old grammar.  But I retain rights to "radical," "cowabunga" and related '80s and '90s expressions that only make sense to children of that period.

Of course, how could you ask that of me?

I don't know, 29-year-old Aly, you got really old and grouchy over those 21 years.

GAZE INTO YOUR FUTURE, BOY.

First, one possible future; second, I thought we weren't doing all caps?

I AM 29-YEAR-OLD ALY I CAN APPLY ALL CAPS AS I SEE FIT

You're clearly delirious, so I shall commence with the review.


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

8-Year-Old Reviews: The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

As we wait for the Beeb to respond, here are my thoughts on my most recent trip to the cinema, which again can only be expressed through the medium of 8-year-old.

Monday, 2 May 2011

8-Year-Old Reviews: Thor

Warning: spoilers, gushing and capital locks herein.