The Robert E. Howard Foundation Awards 2011

It's that time of year again!

This year, we have some new categories, new contenders, and some surprises.

Oh Man, Oh God: Sam Worthington as Allan Quatermain

Yes, Sam Worthington, he who set the world on fire with his magnificent, nuanced, subtle, understated I can't even continue this sentence I'm so outraged.

Sam Worthington (Avatar, Terminator Salvation) has signed on to star and produce DreamWorks' "Quatermain" film, based on the "King's Solomon's Mines" novel by H Rider Haggard.

Allan Quatermain was the hero of the book, in which he leads an expedition into an unexplored region of Africa to find the brother of a friend as well as a fabled treasure of the lost mines. A second book called "Allan Quatermain" soon followed.

DreamWorks' version is set in a time in which humans have left Earth and sees Quatermain return to the planet from a temporary stay in space. Mark Verheiden (Timecop, The Mask) was the writer behind the first script when the project was revealed early last year.

Extra tidbit: Back in 2008, when The Asylum (Snakes on a Train, Transmorphers) was trying to rip off "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," the company released "Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls" straight to video. Obviously it was awful.

No!  No.  No, no, no.  No.  No.  Nnno.  Nnnnno.  NNNNNNNN

Seriously, why are Hollywood having such an accursed hard time adapting Allan Quatermain? The man was Indiana Jones before George Lucas & Steven Spielberg were glints in their parents' eyes!  He's a tough, grizzled adventurer who goes on rough-and-tumble quests through ancient lost kingdoms.  This isn't hard, people!

King Solomon's Mines in particular is a great adventure, easily suitable for adaptation to the big screen.  It's the template for such great tales as The Lost World, The Land That Time Forgot, The Man Who Would Be King, The Moon Pool, Lost Horizon, "The Moon of Skulls," and who knows how many other Lost World yarns.  The book's been adapted 6 times, and they still haven't done better than the magnificent 1937 one with Paul Robeson.  And now we have... Sam Worthington as Allan Quatermain.  Jings.  What's next, She with Hayden Panettiere?

Oh, and I simply can't wait for all the inevitable squealing about how this rips off Indiana Jones.  Or the recent Mummy films.  Or Drake's Fortune.

Suvudu's Cage Match 2011: Conan out, Solomon Kane in

So, another round of nerdish nonsense for us all to start blustering and spitting about as we argue which fictional character could beat up which fictional character.  Last year, Conan was involved, but even he couldn't stand against Rand Al'Thor, a character so preposterously overpowered - his superpower is that he can wipe any individual from reality with a mere thought - that you might as well consider it cheating.  If nothing else, at least Conan went down to the eventual winner, who defeated Gregor Clegane to become Suvudu Cage Match Champion.  Hmm, Conan vs Gregor Clegane anyone?

Last time, it got really silly, as Harry Dresden went up against Conan.  The comments section is chock full of hilarity.  What's more - and I truly wish I could find the comment - Jim Butcher (creator of Dresden) himself commented on the situation.  He says Conan would win.  So, you'd think the guy who created Harry Dresden would know what he was talking about, right?  Apparently not, as some people said "yeah, but that's just him being polite."  I guess George R. R. Martin disagrees, since when one of his characters went up against Hermione Granger, poor Hermione ends up in pieces.  Again, I really wish I could find that post.

This year, though, another Howard hero gets in the spotlight: Solomon Kane.  His first match is against Malazan's Quick Ben, who I understand is a sorcerer with intimidating intelligence and power, and a favourite for some commentators.  Since I know nothing about Quick Ben's abilities, I can't really comment on what way the battle would go, but I can say that Kane with the Staff of Solomon is a force to be reckoned with.  It'll be interesting to see how this year's battle goes.  It was noted that this was more of a popularity contest (nooo, really?) than an honest assessment of a character's strength, so I guess this'll go down to Malazan fans/Kane haters vs Kane fans/Malazan haters rather than an actual empirical contest.  It's a shame they went with these two first, as if Kane goes out early, I'll be disappointed.

Here's the list of contenders:

Martin — Redwall series, Brian Jacques
Logen Ninefingers — First Law trilogy, Joe Abercrombie
Solomon Kane — Solomon Kane stories, Robert E. Howard
Pug — Magician series, Raymond E. Feist
Jon Snow — A Song of Ice and Fire series, George R.R. Martin
Severus Snape — Harry Potter series, JK Rowling
Lestat — Interview With a Vampire, Anne Rice
Quick Ben — Malazan series, Steven Erikson
FitzChivalry — Farseer series, Robin Hobb
Mandorallen — Belgariad series, David Eddings
Vin — Mistborn series, Brandon Sanderson
Beowulf — Beowulf
Thomas Covenant — The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever, Stephen R. Donaldson
Corvis Rebaine — The Conqueror’s Shadow, Ari Marmell
Paul Atreides — Dune series, Frank Herbert
Allanon — Shannara series, Terry Brooks
Druss — Druss series, David Gemmell
Severian — The Book of the New Sun series, Gene Wolfe
Perrin — Wheel of Time series, Robert Jordan
Tasselhoff Burrfoot — Dragonlance series, Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman
Gollum — Lord of the Rings series, JRR Tolkien
Arlen — Demon Cycle series, Peter V. Brett
Zeddicus Zu’l Zorander — Sword of Truth series, Terry Goodkind
Molly Millions — Neuromancer, William Gibson
John Carter — John Carter of Mars stories, Edgar Rice Burroughs
Takeshi Kovacs — Altered Carbon, Richard Morgan
Percy Jackson — Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, Rick Riordan
Alvin Maker — The Tales of Alvin Maker series, Orson Scott Card
Katniss Everdeen — Hunger Games series, Suzanne Collins
Jacob Black — Twilight series, Stephenie Meyer
Eric Northman — Southern Vampire Mysteries series, Charlaine Harris
Tally Youngblood — Uglies series, Scott Westerfeld

I don't know who half of these characters are.  What the hell is Gollum doing there?  I predict that Snape could win this: Harry Potter magic in the hands of a competent wizard is a frightening thing, and Snape's one of the few competent characters in the series.  I'm not as big a fan of Druss as other Sword-and-Sorcery fans are, but I'm hoping he does well too.  If Kane doesn't go the distance, I'm pulling for John Carter.  Jon Snow's one of the Westeros residents I don't despise, so I'd be ok with him doing well.  Jacob is going to die a horrible death by virtue of the series he stars in.  Beowulf is probably this year's "ridiculously overpowered" character, if we're going by the original and not the watered-down adaptations.  If Thomas Covenant gets past the first round, so help me...

Let the games begin!

International Women's Day

You're right; women are great actors. But I cant agree with you in your statement that the great women can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Men have sat at the feet of women down the ages and our civilization, bad or good, we owe to the influence of women.
Let us look at the records of the great women.
- Robert E. Howard, Letter to Harold Preece, December 1928

While I find it somewhat preposterous that we still celebrate 50% of the population on a single day, the disparity between men and women is still shockingly high, and many great women continue to be ignored. In previous decades this was a sad fact of life: nowadays, in our allegedly more enlightened age, there's no such excuse.

So, on this very special International Women's Day, the 100th Anniversary of the holiday, I'm going to tip the glass to some of my favourite females, past and present, along with some choice quotes from Robert E. Howard.

Conan = Mary Sue?

As Robert E. Howard once wrote for his famous Mary Sue character Conan the Barbarian what the best things in life are (to crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women). Respectfully, he was wrong and Conan is a chump.
- The Flying Welshman, who doesn't elaborate on how you can respectfully call someone's creation a Mary Sue and a chump

What you said, specifically, dude, was that Conan was the most badass.
That’s not true. Conan is badass for dummies, just a big mary-sue he-man who always wins in some incredibly manly way every time, with lots of screwed princesses and flexing of mighty thews along the way.
- Samuel, during the "Conan vs Harry Dresden" battle at Suvudu.  By the way, Jim Butcher himself commented on the situation, and he himself said that Conan would wipe the floor with Harry - and yet some Dresden fans still protested Conan's eventual victory!

One thing he's not, though, is a "Mary Sue". While apparently he was something of the author's alter-ego, Conan is not the sort of character who is all-powerful, all-knowing, super-keen that makes you want to vomit. He's not Drizzt or Elminster. He's very much human. Tough, yes, to the point of being a bad ass. But not invulnerable, and not insufferable.
 - RPG Net's review of The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian, because I want to have at least one positive quote

I keep seeing things like this on occasion.  Frankly, I'm getting tired of Mary Sue being used to describe any character who's more capable than other characters.  No, just because a character is awesome in every field and endeavour they undertake doesn't make them a Mary Sue.  Some people are just awesome.

So I've decided to use my considerable and unparalleled Howardian expertise (considerable and unparalleled they are, as there is nobody else currently in my house who could challenge my brobdignagian knowledge) to make the great test: put Conan through the Ultimate Mary Sue Litmus Test.

Why not?  Well one reason is sheer length: what follows is a simply colossal post, where I post the questions and my commentary on them.  I don't know how, but it got to something in the region of 8,000 words.  Why is it I can go on and on with something like this and not other projects...

You have been warned!

On Tributes to Howard

I wasn't actually aware that Roy Thomas had written a comic tribute to Howard (inked by Sandy Plunkett) that depicts his suicide.  Frankly, I wish I didn't.

Robert E. Howard Days Schedule Up

From REHupa, courtesy of Indy:

2011 HOWARD DAYS SCHEDULE SUMMARY VERSION

FRIDAY JUNE 10

8:30 – 9 am: Coffee and donuts at the Pavilion, compliments of Project Pride

9 am – 4 pm: Robert E. Howard House Museum open to the public.

9 am – 4 pm: REH Postal Cancellation at Cross Plains Post Office

9 am – 11 am: “Trailer” Tour of Cross Plains

10 am – 5 pm: Cross Plains Public Library open

11:00: PANEL: Howard Days History

Noon: Lunch hosted by Project Pride. Donations Welcome.

11:00 am to 4 pm: Pavilion available for REH items Swap Meet

1:00 pm: PANEL: History of REH fanzines

2:15 pm: PANEL: Howard’s Historicals

3:30 pm: PANEL: Conan Movie Trailers

5:30 – 6:30: Silent Auction items available for    viewing & bidding at Banquet site

6:30: Robert E. Howard Celebration Banquet & Silent Auction at the Cross Plains Community Center

Following the Banquet & Silent Auction: The Second Annual Robert E. Howard Foundation Awards at the Cross Plains Community Center

Afterward there will be some extemporaneous REH Poetry Reading at the Pavilion.

SATURDAY JUNE 11

9 am – 4 pm: Robert E. Howard House Museum open to the public.

9 am – 4 pm: BARBARIAN FESTIVAL in the large lot North of the Dollar Store on Main St.

10 am – 3 pm: Cross Plains Public Library open

10 am PANEL: To Be Announced

Noon to 4 pm: Pavilion available for REH items Swap Meet

Lunch & Festival Activities at your leisure during the day

1:00 pm PANEL: Damon Sasser/Dennis McHaney

2:15 pm PANEL: REH Historical Poetry

3:30 pm PANEL:What’s Up with REH? at the Pavilion

5 pm: Sunset BBQ at the Caddo Peak Ranch

The Robert E. Howard Foundation will host a Legacy Circle Members Luncheon 11:30 am Saturday at Jean’s Feed Barn.

The Robert E. Howard grave site: A visit to the Howard grave site at the Greenleaf Cemetery in Brownwood is not an “official” activity of REH Days. Directions are available at the Howard House, as are directions to Novalyne Price Ellis’ grave site between Brownwood and Bangs.

HOWARD DAYS PRE-REGISTRATION

PLEASE NOTE: You do not have to pre-register to partake of the weekend’s festivities. All are welcome to attend, visit the House and enjoy all of the activities free of charge. Project Pride likes to pre-register folks to get a head count of how many will be attending the Banquet. All the panels, tours, Swap Meet, BBQ etc. are presented at no cost. Your registration fee covers coffee & donuts Friday morning, lunch at the Pavilion Friday noon, the Friday Banquet and the Saturday BBQ.

The cost for pre-registration this year is $15 per person. Simply send your name(s) & address with a check or money order or register via PayPal (information forthcoming):
Project Pride
Attn: REH Days 2010 Pre-registration
PO Box 534
Cross Plains, TX 76443
Please pre-register before June 1, 2011.
And for only $3.00 more per person ($5.00 per family), you can become a card-carrying Member of Project Pride. Each membership can make a big difference for the House!

Oh boy! A detailed breakdown after the jump, as well as a few observations from last year (I had this whole ten-part "Scottish Invasion of Cross Plains" series planned, but procrastination has proven terminal.  Someday...)

"In bed by nine? That's when life just begins! "

Ah, Jane Russell. She formed a very large part of my childhood in a most bizarre manner: back when I was a lad, my sister and I would watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. We watched a few musicals back then, but this is the one I remember, not just because of the decidedly mercenary motivations of the two lead characters, or the catchy tunes, but because of Jane Russell. Somehow, she shared the screen with Marilyn Monroe, and didn't whither like a pallid bloom in the shadow of some ethereal, otherworldly flower. Indeed, her incredible confidence and physical presence actually somewhat eclipsed Monroe - not least due to her height and powerful personality.  Plus she was pure sonsy.

She lived to a ripe old age, and courted no small amount of controversy. Fare thee well, Ms Russell, in whatever dark worlds unguessed by man lie beyond the void of night.

Tolkien Estate not to blame for Buttongate

I'm not going to say I told you so, mostly because I... didn't tell you so, and it would be fallacious of me to claim otherwise. However, I maintain that the gist of my argument - that one shouldn't immediately blame Christopher Tolkien for all the challenges made by the multi-media empire which has arisen from The Lord of the Rings franchise - is sound, because according to one of the Tolkien estate's lawyers, the Tolkien Estate apparently had nothing to do with the recent controversy regarding buttons. So nyeh.

This morning I heard from Steven Maier, partner at the Oxford law firm of Manches LLP, on behalf of the Tolkien estate. He wrote to say that the estate was not involved in Zazzle's takedown of a badge reading "While you were reading Tolkien, I was watching Evangelion." According to Maier, "Zazzle has confirmed that it took down the link of its own accord, because its content management department came across the product and deemed it to be potentially infringing."

Which is odd, because Adam Rakunas's post on the subject implied that Zazzle had told him they'd written on behalf of Tolkien's heirs. I've written to both Rakunas and Zazzle for an update.

I suspected Zazzle was more to blame than this, simply because you hear a lot about companies taking down content as a preemptive measure against claims of copyright infringement.  They're so anxious that a claim could be made that they do it themselves.  You see it all the time on Youtube.

That said...

I'm sorry for misidentifying the Tolkien estate as responsible for this inanity. While they have used copyright threats to censor at least three novels tangentially involving Tokien's characters or personage (that I know of), this button wasn't their fault, it was Zazzle's.

For Christ's sake, could they have picked a more loaded word than "censor"? I'm aware of The Last Ringbearer and Mirkwood, but what's the third one?  And can they really be considered only tangentially involving Tolkien's characters or personage?

Again, I'm not commenting on the moral/ethical/whatever rights of the Tolkien estate to protect the creation of a man who's been dead for almost 40 years, but I strictly believe that in the eyes of the law, they have a fair point.

Dan Meth's Fantasy World Map

Just thought I'd link to this, since it's pretty cool.  Dan Meth has previously done a similar, awesome timeline of science fiction films, so I guess this was a matter of time.

First thought: Holy Smokes he has Sodor!
Second thought: Holy Smokes he has Thra!
Third thought: Wait, he has Terabithia as a real place?