Saturday 7 November 2009

Triangulation: Conan the Rehash

Seriously, I've written over 5000 words on the Conan film, and I'm barely a third of the way through the script. I decided to concentrate on only the most important points for the Cimmerian article. No sooner do I publish it, then Waldgeist drops this bombshell.

Amidst a raging sword battle on the icy fields of Cimmeria, a child is bom, cut out of his mother’s womb by his father, CORIN. With her last breath, she names him CONAN. The young boy quickly proves himself an innate if impulsive warrior. The young warrior is inquisitive about the outside world, and while his father tries to shield him, in time the world comes to their doorstep.
KHALAR SINGH, a powerful warlord, arrives with his band of mercenaries, demanding not gold or steel, but one woman from each bloodline. The Cimmerians refuse and a massive battle ensues. Khalar Singh winning the day through the use of black magic. Corin, knowing the battle is lost, hides Conan, at the cost of his own life. Conan, wracked by the guilt ofa survivor, vows his revenge on Khalar and his warriors. When we meet Conan again, many years later, he’s grown into a powerful and experienced warrior.
His revenge is nearly complete as he traps one of the few of Khalar`s former warriors still left alive. LUCIUS. Before killing him, Conan discovers Khalar’s location in the distant Khauran. In a hidden oasis in the desert, Khalar finds TAMARA, the last of an ancient royal line, the one person he’s been searching for the past twenty years. Tamara, unknowing of her own identity, is told to flee by her mentor, FASSIR, even as Khalar’s forces enslave or massacre the oasis’ people. Tamara escapes, and a furious Khalar sends his men scouring the countryside for her. But her path crosses Conan’s first, and instead of setting her free he decides to use her as bait to draw Khalar out from behind his protective shield of warriors. But the plan fails and Conan and Tamara must work together to escape, an escape which first reveals a great power building inside the frightened girl.
Conan ends up on a pirate ship that Tamara’s people have commissioned to take her far from Khalar‘s grasp. Conan learns of Khalar’s plan: to revive the ancient and evil empire of Acheron by sacrificing the only living heir to its throne, Tamara. Simura explains that Khalar desires the power, which now grows inside Tamara, a power, if unleashed, would once again bring all mankind under Acheron’s bloody and brutal reign. The truth of her destiny has been hidden from Tamara, for her own good, but when the treacherous pirates try to turn her over to Khalar’s forces, even Conan’s brute force is little compared to the explosion of energy unwittingly released by Tamara. In the smoldering aftermath, only Conan and Tamara are left alive.
Conan tries parting ways with Tamara, intent on his own revenge but she asks him for help getting into Khalar’s forces to rescue her people. Like Conan, Tamara can bear no more blood on her hands. Conan finally relents and they make love, not knowing that Khalar is performing a ritual, sacrificing part of his soul to create a demon to help him kill Conan. Once inside the fortress. Conan kills the massive JAILER, and Tamara finds many of her people, including Fassir, still alive. Fassir reveals he’s a traitor, turning Tamara over to her enemy. Conan falls into Khalar`s trap, forced to battle the demon he summoned.THE SHADOW OF NERGAL. Conan survives, then forces Fassir’s acolyte, BAEL, to lead him to Acheron, where Tamara is to be sacrificed. The ghosts of the ancient ruins of Aeheron come alive as the last of the royal line, Tamara, is led up to the sacrificial altar. Conan arrives and starts cutting a swath through the soldiers that block his path to her, including his main revenge target, UKAFA. Conan finds Khalar to be a tough opponent. As Tamara is about to be killed, her eyes tum black and she fully assumes the form of Queen of Acheron, and unleashes her power. After Conan kills Khalar, Tamara begs him to kill her too. so the power within her won`t rise to shed more blood. Conan reluctantly agrees and plunges a spear into her chest. They share one last kiss as she dies in his arms.

Crom, Macha, Morrigan, Badb, Nemain, Lir, Manannan Mac Lir, Dagda, Dianchet, Ymir, Mitra, Ishtar, Set, Damballah, Asura, Yun, Yogah, Jhebbal-Sag, Jhil, Hanuman, Yog, Tarim, Erlik, Derketo, Derketa, Thog, Ollam-Onga, and all the gods and devils of the Hyborian Age...

The icy fields of Cimmeria? Looking for the Queen of Acheron in Cimmeria? Acheron dominated all mankind? Conan, at this stage of his life, "can bear no more blood on his hands"? Of all the gods and monsters available, they choose fecking NERGAL, a pastiche god who has no business in the Hyborian Age?

The Annotated Guide to Doppenheimer's Wretched Mess may make its way onto the aether, but if it does, it'll be a monster. I really need to do a pic of Robert E. Howard doing the "facepalm" sometime.

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