Jason Momoa as Conan the Hawaiian

It's just one disaster after another.

So, to recap:

First, Paradox licensed the film to Millenium Films, the production company which brought the world nothing but mediocrity and the godawful remake of The Wicker Man, with only one or two bright spots like Rambo out of the dozens upon dozens of failures.

Then they hired Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, the most wretched screenwriting team in film today, who penned quite possibly the single most horrible adaptation of a classic science fiction story I've ever seen. (This alone was the point that I gave up hope.)

Then Millenium started to court Brett Ratner, an absolute hack of a director who hasn't made anything of note save the average Red Dragon. Even with the likes of Ridley Scott citing interest in a Conan film, somehow Ratner was their first choice.

After Ratner fell through (obviously he had more important stuff to do, like Rush Hour 4), Marcus Nispel was the man. Nispel being most infamous for doing practically nothing but remakes of slasher films for the past few years, as well as Pathfinder, which I'll charitably call a Frazetta pastiche.

Then the script and character synopsis was leaked, and we all know what happened then.

Now, we have Jason Momoa portraying Conan. As blows to the stomach go, it's not as bad as knowing the imbeciles behind A Sound of Thunder and Sahara were hired to write the script, or actually reading the leaked screenplay. It's marginally less offensive than the Nispel announcement, and certainly not as bad as when Ratner and Kickinger were associated with the film.

You know what's scary? It's going to get worse from here.

We'll be hearing a Playboy (probably not even that, something like Hustler or Penthouse) playmate, ex-model, or a flavour-of-the-month pop star cast as the love interest. We'll see some strapped-for-cash Shakespearean actor slumming it for the villain, or more likely, some fading '80s star like Dolph Lundgren looking for a last gasp of fame. Professional wrestlers, basketball players, and/or bodybuilders will be cast in every second role. We'll see nu-metal bands doing the soundtrack. We'll see the garbage tie-in novel and cookie-cutter licensed video game, with the usual action figures and paraphernalia clogging the shelves.

It'll be even worse when the film's out.The Milius fanboys will be insufferable as they hail Conan the Barbarian as the definitive Conan film - and for all intents and purposes, they'll probably be right. That's the biggest punch to the gut for me.