Add The Guardian to my list of Newspapers I Don't Like.

Actually, it's probably already there.

It gets worse: instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian, we get buffed-up pretty boy Jason Momoa in the forthcoming remake of John Milius's bravura 1982 fantasy fable, an actor whose most notable performances have come in Stargate Atlantis and Baywatch Hawaii. Schwarzenegger, of course, was hardly a thespian of note himself when he took on the role that made him famous, but at least he didn't resemble an oversized member of Take That.

First, the obligatory NOT A REMAKE. Ten seconds looking it up at Wikipedia seems to be beyond the mightiest of journalists when it comes to Conan. Not to mention that Rambo, one of the main points of the article, is based on a book too.

Secondly... is Arnold really not reminiscent of an oversized member of Take That? Really? Not even Jason Orange? Back in his Conan the Barbarian days, Arnold was practically baby-faced. As an aside, Jason Furlong's John Connor is easily the weakest link in Terminator 2. He's an unlikeable, surly little brat. I sure don't "miss him," even if Terminator: Salvation was rubbish.

That said, Ben Child seems a bit schizophrenic on this, since he posted a much better post on Jason Momoa as Conan, where he notes how bizarre it is that nobody's adapted Howard's stories to cinema despite their obvious suitability. Don't know what happened there.

What Hideous Cosmic Junction...

... That we have the first underwhelming shots of Jason Momoa as "Conan" leaked on the same day that we learn of the astronomically more important news, that of Frank Frazetta's passing?

Naturally, the first story has all the numbskulls whose knowledge of Conan begins and ends with a vague recollection of the film through marijuana smoke. Some hilarious fellows out there engage in some questionable humour: "I guess he saw the new Conan, and died on the spot."

To all those masters of subtle, nuanced black humour making such comments:

Go to hell.

First Shot of "Conan" - Sort Of

Courtesy of Mikoza over at the Robert E. Howard forums...



Take a look at this picture. This was taken on the set of "Conan" in Bulgaria. Notice anything unusual? Particularly that tall, muscular, shirtless fellow in the red wraparound?

Triangulation: Revenge of the Mill, African Mythology, Hawks, Dinosaurs, and Momo!

A few more posts this week rounding out April...

Sunday sees that damned mill return, and a fairly lengthy one given my opinions on everything. I still can't get over Lang bringing up Shakespeare in reference to Zym. I've made a habit of posting Patrice's approval of Momoa whenever someone brings up how Momoa "can't live up to AHNOLD" elsewhere. I really think when we see Momoa with the blue eyes & black hair, grizzled makeup and extra muscle, people might finally shut up about Momoa. I admit, I was taking a "wait and see approach" bordering on the skeptical, but as soon as he lost the dreds & goatee in more recent pictures, I was starting to see it. Indeed, it was getting to the point that I'm starting to feel sorry we wasted Momoa in this film. Now I am starting to wish it was Lutz or Padalecki.

All Shall Tremble Before The Might of Zym!

Yes, I complained about Khalar... *grits teeth* Sssssiiiinnnggggh for a while. I suggested changing it to Khalar Shah. Well, the good news is as of the most recent news snippet, he has a name change. Hooray! The bad news is...

His name is Khalar Zym.

Khalar Zym.

Zym.

I'm guessing the screenwriters never watched turn-of-the-century Nickelodeon, or they would know that "Zym" is pretty close to the name of a certain other warlord who means to dominate the world.

A Comparison of the Howard Quotient in the Conan Films

It's crazy how little people seem to know about Conan the Barbarian's deviations from Howard. So, for the benefits of those people, I plan to enlighten them, so they can fully understand the enormity of the gulf between the two.

Triangulation: Blackwood, Lovecraft, Brackett, Burroughs, "Conan" and more

This was a crazy week. So many important dates to consider!

Triangulation: KHALAAAR, Pastichery, and No, not Ron Perlman!

Not that much today, damn distracting internet.

Anyway... Tuesday confirms my disappointment that Stephen Lang is playing Khalar Singh. It's just not fair damn it. This film can't win for me, though: if they cast a bad actor, it just makes the film worse, but if they cast a good actor, then they're wasting their talent. I'm sure some would consider that really fannish of me, but frankly I couldn't care less at this point.

Friday I put in my two pennies about Charles R. Saunders' review of Conan the Hero. I love allegories, but only when they're self-contained and don't muck up a universe. Animal Farm is perfect, for example. It's when they try to force it into an existing property that gets my hackles up. Hence how I dislike Conan the Hero: trying to do more than typical save-the-girl-steal-the-treasure-kill-the-monster-defeat-the-sorcerer subplot does get a little appreciation from me, but not when it's instead used for a painful, heavy-handed and unsubtle allegory. Sorry, Lenny: if you wanted to do a Vietnam war allegory, do your own story. Leave it out of Conan. If you can't, then at least try and find a way to make it more universal and "applicable," as I note Howard and Tolkien were infinitely superior craftsmen in every way.

Saturday and my heart is broken again, as Ron Perlman is Corin. I blame myself, frankly. I noted back when Rourke was rumoured, I hoped that he wouldn't be tainted with this project; if he had to choose between this and War of the Gods, the latter looked a much less damaging project. I got my wish, but in the manner of those most insidious genies and the very cruelest of Outer Limits and Twilight Zone episodes, it was at a cost far greater than I imagined. Instead of Rourke, an actor I'm fairly impressed by, it is Ron Perlman, one of my very favourite character actors, who gets cast in the role. Damn you, Lionsgate! Damn you to Hades!

Also something on Rose McGowan possibly being Marique (what kind of Hyborian name is that!?!) but I'm so annoyed at Ron's casting I can't even care.

Graaah. I need something to calm me down.



Aww. Look at that little guy. I can feel the urge to kill dropping... dropping... RISING... dropping... dropping... gone. Aaaaah.

Because it bears repeating.

Every so often, someone asks me why I get so worked up about the upcoming "Conan" film.

This is why.

The reliance on overused tropes and cliches makes this movie dangerous. It gives the entire genre — print, graphic, film — a bad name. By its very nature, fantasy is most vulnerable to appearing ridiculous. Unlike, say, a contemporary thriller, if a fantasy movie is bad, it's not just a bad movie, it's a stupid idea, a foolish excursion into unreality — escapism at its most puerile.

If you create walking, talking cliche of a movie and market it heavily, the crap splashes on everyone working in the genre. How many people will see a trailer for a dumb-ass, cliche Conan and not bother with HBO's Game of Thrones?

I don't want to even think about the damage it does to Howard's credibility and prestige, so painstakingly built by the very people who work this forum and TC and the venerable REHupa.

It's NOT "just a movie." It's a statement.

Couldn't have said it better myself. How much nonsense did we already have to put up with when the sins of Conan the Barbarian were visited upon Howard? Roger Ebert assumed the fascist sensibilities of the film were perfectly faithful to the author--nothing could be further from the truth. Tons of idiotic authors apply Nordic mysticism erroneously to the Celtophile Howard, not to mention fallacious National Socialist sympathies.

What about this film? Say the film is terrible (astoundingly unlikely as it is). We'll get idiots saying that Milius was right to deviate from Howard, since Lionsgate are touting this as a "faithful adaptation." Therefore, their argument would go, if this was a "faithful adaptation," and CtB was an "unfaithful one," Howard's work was just puerile, shallow pulp in need of "elevation" by an artist such as Milius. We already have fanboys saying that Milius made Conan "better" than Howard: how much more are we going to hear this when they have a supposedly "faithful" film to compare it to?

Then we'll get the added bonus of people attacking REH for stuff he didn't even do. If they don't change Singh's name, people will accuse REH of being racist towards Sikhs and Indians - something he most assuredly wasn't, seeing as Khalar Singh doesn't exist in REH canon. The ludicrous "King becomes powerful, Queen must die" Acheronian garbage will have people accusing REH of misogyny and patriarchal leanings. Having one of Conan's nemeses be black--AGAIN--after Doom and Bombaata gives the impression that the Cimmerian has it in for black people. And, as with Conan the Barbarian, people will accuse REH of falling to the "Home village and parents destroyed by villain, life becomes quest for revenge" trope every other fantasy story is blighted with.

So yeah, it matters.

NOOOOOOO!

Says all I need to say.

Shad Gaspard for Ukafa!

I've previously said that I really hope Shad gets the role of Ukafa, since it's his lifelong dream to be in a Conan movie. Well, the big dude's a step closer, according to his myspace blog.

Triangulation: Jim Lad, Lil' Leo, Weird Tales Troika, Momo, and Painbrush

Getting back in my stride, I think.

Monday sees an interview with James Purefoy. I am totally sold on Jim lad, which is amazing considering how much I disliked him in "Rome": turns out, you're not really supposed to consider Marc Anthony a swell chap. Jim lad, though, he's awesome. I'd love to meet him and say "job well done" on his Blackbeard, the best performance of Teach between him and Angus McFadyen.


Tuesday's scoop is Leo Howard cast as the Littlest Barbarian. As with Momo, I'm not fighting down the urge to vomit in rage, even though there are certain problems. Give him blue contacts/digital colour correction, give him a more Cimmerian hairstyle, and he could work. His theatrical martial arts styles means he has great control over his body and strong athleticism: I can definitely see him climbing sheer cliffs, felling hawks on the wing, spearing wild beasts and killing Picts at a 10th-grade level. I still think he's too cute, though.

Thursday brings us an update on the Howard-Lovecraft-Smith poetry books. I can't help but be a bit disappointed. On the Howard side, I lament the absence of "Cimmeria," "A Word From The Outer Dark," "Red Thunder," "The Bell of Morni," and the Solomon Kane pieces, which is strange, since "The King and the Oak" appears. Amazingly, not a single one of the Smith poems I thought would be foregone conclusions--“The Hashish Eater, Or, The Apocalypse of Evil,” “Lament of the Stars,” “The Titans in Tartarus,” “The Sea-Gods” and “The Song of the Worlds”--made the cut, not even the stupendous "The Hashish-Eater," which utterly bemuses me. I was also woefully inaccurate in guessing stories for the Lovecraft collection, where again, none of my predictions--“The Cats,” “Providence,” “The House,” “Festival,” and “The City”--are present. I'm also surprised that Lovecraft's epic "Fungi from Yuggoth" is represented by only a handful of its thirty-six chapters, especially since Lovecraft's poetic output is considerably smaller than that of his Texan and Californian friends. Still, these books weren't meant to be "the complete Howard/Lovecraft/Smith" Weird Poetry collections, and the omissions might well be the result of copyright and public domain issues.


Friday, Momo Spaketh! There's a minor controversy over at the Robert E. Howard forums, as his mention of hoping Conan could get him a role on Pirates of the Carribean rubbed some REH fans the wrong way, the implication being that Momo viewed Conan as a mere "stepping stone" onto more worthy projects. I think it's a bit of an overreaction: more likely, Momo was simply saying what other jobs he'd like to do, and I'm sure being Conan would be a springboard if it was any good. Just talkin' bout his job. Besides, i can officially never make fun of him again after seeing his mammy's face. Her little smile will haunt me whenever I think of poking fun at Momo. Damn it.

That was originally going to be my Saturday post, but yet again, I posted too early. Rather than cash in one of my "week off" chips, I decided to put together a quick one for Saturday. I'd been meaning to mention Strom's wonderful and touching memorial to Dan on The Cimmerian, but never got around to it: I wanted it to be more than just a link and a paragraph. Still, it's more important it's on TC at all than worry about its content.

OK, This is the last one, I promise...

I can't resist. It's like an affliction. Still, you'd have to try pretty damn hard to beat some of the stuff said on this page.

..Or how about the Conan that actually matters? (goes into a 5,000 word essay about the Conan O'Brien/Jay Leno saga that's gripped the internet)

Because, apparently, a popular talk-show host matters more than a cultural icon. As if there's some sort of measuring scale of mattering.

Should be JOhn CEna opeople I try and contact him cause this guy they have on this iMage is just not Conan the Barbarian he's more of a side kick of Conan, Get John Cena to play Conan the barbarian JOHN CENA is the guy that come close to looking like Arnold

I don't know, JOhn CEna didn't exactly wow people in his first starring role (The Marine). In fact, he wasn't even cast for the sequel: when you aren't good enough for the role especially written for you, that's a really bad sign.

Superhero Hype: A Den of Numbskulls and Ignorami

You know what? I just want to keep some of these comments. I can't really be bothered bringing it over there, because any intellectual discourse is just going to be wasted. These are a laugh riot. This is why people don't take comic fans seriously, and why the intelligent, insightful comic fans are drowned out by the blatherings of morons and imbeciles.

Triangulation: Imaro, Critics, Birthdays & Asylums

Man, I really need to pick my battles. With the astonishing news of Jason "Can't ride a horse, won't ride a horse" Momoa cast as Conan, all the idiots are out of the woodwork. "Hey, I think it's great they're casting an exotic guy as a barbarian - I mean, it makes him stand out, right?" "I think he's closer to Conan, who if I recall correctly, was described as lean and panther-like rather than massive and muscular." "KRUM! Why do we need to remake Conan? It was a classic! They'll never do better than Arnold! Bring back Milius and Conan: Crown of Iron!"

Urge... to kill... rising...

Anway, on with the show. First of all was a very quick post on Imaro. I really like Imaro, he's probably my favourite non-Howard barbarian, along with Sigurd from The Ship of Ishtar. The image I chose is one of the few I found of the Ilyassi Ironman on DeviantArt, which can be a decent resource if you're discerning in your search. For the love of Tulkas, do not search for "Gimli & Legolas." Don't. Do it.

Then the moment I'd been dreading and anticipating for a month: Nostalgia Critic reviews Conan the Barbarian. To my eternal gratefulness, Howard gets a damn good shake from it, and I'm immensely impressed that Doug chose The Bloody Crown of Conan to illustrate it: The famous Conan the Adventurer would've been alright, but it's really great to see the definitive Robert E. Howard Conan collection in the spotlight. Top job, Critic.

Howard's 104th birthday at The Cimmerian wouldn't be complete without my sentimental ramblings. I'm a much tougher kid than I am as an adult, which is probably to be expected giving The Anomaly back when I was 16. I'm still pinching myself, that my stuff is on The Cimmerian.

Finally, a fun post on the Asylum. Honestly, the Asylum's mockbuster Conan will probably end up less painful to watch than the "official" "Conan." Kind of like how Transmorphers: Fall of Man was more bearable than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, seeing as it didn't stomp my childhood into little tiny bits with rutting gags and toilet humour. I still think I'm going to catch that Sherlock Holmes film with the dinosaurs and powered armour.

Don't look at me like that.

11 Things you DON'T Need To Know About The New Conan

Empire have posted something that got me rather annoyed. I'm going to need to watch My Neighbour Totoro for three days straight in order to calm down.

What It Would Take To Get Me To Watch Conan: The Wrath of Singh

As it stands, there's nothing convincing me to go and fork over my cash for this monstrosity. I don't even know if I'll catch it on TV. I have enough stress in my life.

So aside from a full rewrite that isn't an affront to Robert E. Howard's memory, what would it take for me to see this film? We have our director, writers, and Conan (and possibly Corin if the rumours of Mickey Rourke are to be believed.) Let's see...

Jason Momoa as Conan the Hawaiian

It's just one disaster after another.

So, to recap:

First, Paradox licensed the film to Millenium Films, the production company which brought the world nothing but mediocrity and the godawful remake of The Wicker Man, with only one or two bright spots like Rambo out of the dozens upon dozens of failures.

Then they hired Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, the most wretched screenwriting team in film today, who penned quite possibly the single most horrible adaptation of a classic science fiction story I've ever seen. (This alone was the point that I gave up hope.)

Then Millenium started to court Brett Ratner, an absolute hack of a director who hasn't made anything of note save the average Red Dragon. Even with the likes of Ridley Scott citing interest in a Conan film, somehow Ratner was their first choice.

After Ratner fell through (obviously he had more important stuff to do, like Rush Hour 4), Marcus Nispel was the man. Nispel being most infamous for doing practically nothing but remakes of slasher films for the past few years, as well as Pathfinder, which I'll charitably call a Frazetta pastiche.

Then the script and character synopsis was leaked, and we all know what happened then.

Now, we have Jason Momoa portraying Conan. As blows to the stomach go, it's not as bad as knowing the imbeciles behind A Sound of Thunder and Sahara were hired to write the script, or actually reading the leaked screenplay. It's marginally less offensive than the Nispel announcement, and certainly not as bad as when Ratner and Kickinger were associated with the film.

You know what's scary? It's going to get worse from here.

We'll be hearing a Playboy (probably not even that, something like Hustler or Penthouse) playmate, ex-model, or a flavour-of-the-month pop star cast as the love interest. We'll see some strapped-for-cash Shakespearean actor slumming it for the villain, or more likely, some fading '80s star like Dolph Lundgren looking for a last gasp of fame. Professional wrestlers, basketball players, and/or bodybuilders will be cast in every second role. We'll see nu-metal bands doing the soundtrack. We'll see the garbage tie-in novel and cookie-cutter licensed video game, with the usual action figures and paraphernalia clogging the shelves.

It'll be even worse when the film's out.The Milius fanboys will be insufferable as they hail Conan the Barbarian as the definitive Conan film - and for all intents and purposes, they'll probably be right. That's the biggest punch to the gut for me.

Perez Hilton, kindly shut up.

Be warned, big rant coming up. I've done too many rants this week, I really should do something cheerful. Maybe that new Transformers game.

Trouble brewin' at the Ol' Conan forums

Recently, the Official Conan forums had been discussing a second leaked script for the upcoming Conan film. There were a number of differing details within the script, but nothing that saves it from the mediocrity of the previous iteration.

The posters over at the board thus expressed their discontent at the state of affairs. I myself noted some of the differences between the two scripts. However, that post, and others, have now been deleted:

Attention:

In regards to any illegal links - such as links to the new Conan script - and all snippets that have been obtained illegally have been removed from this site. Posting illegal links is a forum violation and will be result in official warnings that may lead to suspension/banning from the site. Snippets obtained from such illegal links will also not be tolerated. All such posts have been removed or are in the process of being removed.

Worrisome news. Such a post and mass culling of messages did not occur when the first script was released, nor for the Solomon Kane script: there were reminders, but I don't recall messages being deleted as well. I don't hold the Mods or Admins, ever tireless and beyond reproach as fans, responsible for this. This is clearly the doing of CPI/Paradox.

Why now? I'm guessing the script is fairly close to the final draft. That bodes ill for the film, since outside one or two "improvements" (or rather, excisions of particularly odious elements), the script is no closer to Howard than the original was.

This is the first time something like this has happened on the forums, to the best of my knowledge. I really hope it's the last.

*Edit: originally, I called the mods "tiresome", when I meant "tireless": a very funny slip of the tongue in retrospect, but I certainly didn't want to offend any of the fantastic fellows bearing the Twin Spears of Moderation. You guys are great!

**Edit the Second: It has been made clear that CPI/Paradox were acting at the behest of Lionsgate. Damn you, Lionsgate!