Technical Difficulties

Dreadfully sorry for the lack of updates: a perfect storm of internet, technological, organizational and software troubles have conspired like a Rebel Four to usurp me from control of the blog. But fear not, for as far as this blog goes, I AM KING OR CORPSE.

I Spent an Entire Evening Writing a Post.

It was full of links, citations, quotes, you name it. I was very proud.

I mistyped. Oh dear, I'll have to undo that: CTRL-Z, my friend!

CTRL-Z. Whole page goes blank.

Shock.

Panic.

CTRL-Y. Nothing. CTRL-Z. Nothing.

Backspace in desperation.

Auto-Save.

It goes to previous page, even as I knew the cursor was in the typing field.

I scour the internet for solutions.

You cannot turn off Auto-Save. You cannot retrieve unpublished posts. You cannot restore previous drafts.

It is gone.

It has drifted on the aether of night's Plutonian shores.

Despair.

Panic.

Rage.

Impotent rage.

Just in time for Valentine's Day!

CONAN THE BARBARIAN #16
Brian Wood (W), Davide Gianfelice (A), Dave Stewart (C), and Massimo Carnevale (Cover)
On sale May 15
FC, 32 pages
$3.50
Ongoing
After a series of trials that nearly tore them apart, Conan and Bêlit use a brief respite to embark on a vision quest. But with violence, pain, and death their constant companions, the vision quickly becomes a nightmare!
• New story arc from Northlanders team Brian Wood and Davide Gianfelice!
 - Solititation from Newsarama

Presented entirely without comment. Happy Valentine's!

Science Fiction vs Fantasy, or, Optimism vs Nostalgia

It's a common argument that I see: science fiction is intellectual, productive, inspirational, innovative, optimistic, and emphasises everything good and worthwhile about humanity.  Fantasy, however, is superstitious, nostalgic, stagnant, and emphasises the glorification of the past over hope for the future.  It's one I utterly disagree with - what of dystopian science fiction, for example, and those fantasy stories which open up realms of insight and supposition normally the domain of science fiction - but the dichotomy usually favours science fiction as being "good" and fantasy being "bad."  It's a dangerous stereotype, and one you'd think the supposedly higher-minded SF fans would recognize and avoid.

Well, I think I've found the ultimate example of that argument. Enter Science Fiction vs Fantasy by Ryan Somma.

The Great Divide

What Conan Fans and People Who Know How To Use The Internet Know

1932       December       "The Phoenix on the Sword" (Weird Tales)

1933       January           "The Scarlet Citadel" (Weird Tales)

                March            "The Tower of the Elephant" (Weird Tales)

                June               "Black Colossus" (Weird Tales)

                September      "Xuthal of the Dusk" (Weird Tales)

                October          "The Pool of the Black One" (Weird Tales)

1934       January            "Rogues in the House" (Weird Tales)

                April               "Iron Shadows in the Moon" (Weird Tales)

                May                "Queen of the Black Coast" (Weird Tales)

                Augus             "The Devil in Iron" (Weird Tales)

                September      "The People of the Black Circle" (1) (Weird Tales)

                October          "The People of the Black Circle" (2) (Weird Tales)

                November       "The People of the Black Cirlce" (3) (Weird Tales)

                December       "A Witch Shall Be Born" (Weird Tales)

1935       March              "The Servants of Bit-Yakin (Weird Tales)

                May                 "Beyond the Black River" (1) (Weird Tales)

                June                      "Beyond the Black River" (2) (Weird Tales)

                November          "The Man-Eaters of Zamboula" (Weird Tales)

                December           "The Hour of the Dragon" (1) (Weird Tales)

1936       January                "The Hour of the Dragon" (2) (Weird Tales)

                February              "The Hour of the Dragon" (3) (Weird Tales)

                March                   "The Hour of the Dragon" (4) (Weird Tales)

                April                       "The Hour of the Dragon" (5) (Weird Tales)

                July                        "Red Nails" (1) (Weird Tales)

                August                  "Red Nails" (2) (Weird Tales)

                September         "Red Nails" (3) (Weird Tales)

                October               "Red Nails" (4) (Weird Tales)

1938                                       "The Hyborian Age"

1950                                       Conan the Conqueror (Gnome)

1952                                       The Sword of Conan (Gnome)

                                                "The God in the Bowl" (Space Science Fiction)

1953                                       The Coming of Conan (Gnome)

1953                                       King Conan (Gnome)

                                                "The Black Stranger" (Fantasy Magazine)

1954                                       Conan the Barbarian (Gnome)

1955                                       Tales of Conan (Gnome)

1957                                       The Return of Conan (Gnome)

1965                                       "Cimmeria" (The Howard Collector)

1966                                       Conan the Adventurer (Lancer)

1967                                       Conan the Warrior (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Usurper (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Conqueror (Lancer)

                                                "The Vale of Lost Women" (Magazine of Horror)

1968                                       Conan (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Freebooter (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Wanderer (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Adventurer (Lancer)

                                                Conan of the Isles (Lancer)

1969                                       Conan of Cimmeria (Lancer)

1970       October               Conan the Barbarian #1 (Marvel)

1971                                       Conan the Buccaneer (Lancer)

                                                Savage Tales #1 (Marvel, first issue)

1974                                       The People of the Black Circle (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Giant-Size Conan #1 (Marvel)

                August                  The Savage Sword of Conan #1 (Marvel)

1975                                       A Witch Shall Be Born (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Red Nails (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Savage Tales #5 (Marvel, final issue)

                                                Giant-Size Conan #5 (Marvel, final issue)

1976                                       Rogues in the House (Donald M. Grant)

1977                                       Conan of Aquilonia (Lancer)

                August                  The Hour of the Dragon (Berkley)

                September         The People of the Black Circle (Berkley)

                October               Red Nails (Berkley)

1978                                       Queen of the Black Coast (Donald M. Grant)

                August                  Conan the Swordsman (Bantam)

1979                                       Jewels of Gwahlur (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Black Colossus (Donald M. Grant)

                February              Conan the Liberator (Bantam)

                May                       Conan: The Sword of Skelos (Bantam)

                October               Conan: The Road of Kings (Bantam)

1980                                       King Conan #1 (Marvel, first issue)

                July                        Conan the Rebel (Bantam)

                December           Conan and the Spider God (Bantam)

1982       May                       Conan the Barbarian (Universal)

                                                Conan the Barbarian Adaptation (Bantam)

                June                      Conan the Invincible (Tor)

                December           Conan the Defender (Tor)

1983       April                       Conan the Unconquered (Tor)

                October               Conan the Triumphant (Tor)

1984                                       Conan: Hall of Volta (Datasoft)

                May                       Conan the Magnificent (Tor)

                June                      Conan the Destroyer (Universal)

                July                        Conan the Destroyer adaptation (Tor)

                November          Conan the Victorious (Tor)

1985       September         Conan the Victorious (Tor)

1986                                       The Pool of the Black one (Donald M. Grant)

                February              Conan the Fearless (Tor)

                April                       Conan the Renegade (Tor)

                October               Conan the Raider (Tor)

1987       April                       Conan the Champion (Tor)

                October               Conan the Defiant (Tor)

1988       January                Conan the Marauder (Tor)

                March                   Conan the Warlord (Tor)

                October               Conan the Valiant (Tor)

1989                                       The Hour of the Dragon (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Conan (Mindscape)

                                                King Conan #55 (Marvel, final issue)

                February              Conan the Hero (Tor)

                April                       Conan the Bold (Tor)

                                                Conan the Great (Tor)

                October               Conan the Indomitable (Tor)

1990       February              Conan the Freelance (Tor)

                November          Conan the Formidable (Tor)

1991                                       Conan: The Mysteries of Time (Mindscape)

                                                Conan: The Cimmerian (Virgin/Synergistic)

                January                Conan the Guardian (Tor)

                April                       Conan the Outcast (Tor)

                November          Conan the Rogue (Tor)

1992       April                       Conan the Relentless (Tor)

                October               Conan the Adventurer (Jetlag/Sunbow)

                November          Conan the Savage (Tor)

1993       February              Conan of the Red Brotherhood (Tor)

                May                       Conan and the Gods of the Mountain (Tor)

                November          Conan and the Treasure of Python (Tor)

                December           Conan the Barbarian #275 (Marvel, final issue)

1994                                       Conan and the Young Warriors (DiC)

                                                Conan the Adventurer #1 (Marvel)

                January                Conan the Hunter (Tor)

                April                       Conan, Scourge of the Bloody Coast (Tor)

                October               Conan and the Manhunters (Tor)

                November          Conan at the Demon's Gate (Tor)

1995                                       Conan the Adventurer #14 (Marvel)

                                                Conan the Savage #1 (Marvel)

                                                Conan #1 (Marvel, first issue)

                January                Conan and the Gladiator (Tor)

                April                       Conan and the Amazon (Tor)

                July                        The Savage Sword of Conan #235 (Marvel)

                August                  Conan and the Mists of Doom (Tor)

                November          Conan and the Emerald Lotus (Tor)

1996                                       Conan the Savage #10 (Marvel, final issue)

                                                Conan #11 (Marvel, final issue)

                January                Conan and the Shaman's Curse (Tor)

                April                       Lord of the Black River (Tor)

                November          Conan and the Grim Grey God (Tor)

1997       January                Conan and the Death Lords of Thanza (Tor)

                September         Conan: The Adventurer (Keller)

2000       August                  The Conan Chronicles, Volume 1 (Gollancz)

2001                                       Conan: The Road of Kings (Tor)

                                                The Conan Chronicles, Volume 2 (Gollancz)

                October               Conan the Rebel (Tor)

2002                                       Conan and the Spider God (Tor)

                February              Conan: The Sword of Skelos (Tor)

                June                      Conan the Liberator (Tor)

                December           Conan the Swordsman (Tor)

2003                                       Conan of Cimmeria: Volume 1 (Wandering Star)

                                                The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian (Del Rey)

2004                                       Conan of Cimmeria: Volume 2 (Wandering Star)

                                                Conan #1 (Dark Horse, first issue)

                                                Conan: The Dark Axe (TDK Mediactive)

                                                Conan and the Daughters of Midora (Dark Horse)

                January                Sagas of Conan (Tor)

                July                        Conan of Venarium (Tor)

2005                                       Conan of Cimmera: Volume 3 (Wandering Star)

                                                The Bloody Crown of Conan (Del Rey)

                                                The Conquering Sword of Conan (Del Rey)

                                                Conan and the Demons of Khitai (Dark Horse)

                                                Conan and the Midnight God (Dark Horse)

                                                Conan and the Jewels of Gwahlur (Dark Horse)

2006                                       The Complete Chronicles of Conan (Gollancz)

                                                Conan and the Songs of the Dead (Dark Horse)

                                                Conan: The Book of Thoth (Dark Horse)

2007                                       Conan (Nihilistic)

2008                                       Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures (Funcom)

                                                Conan #50 (Dark Horse, final issue)

                                                Conan the Cimmerian #0 (Dark Horse, first issue)

2010                                       Conan: Road of Kings

2011       June                      Conan the Barbarian Novelization (Del Rey)

                July                        Conan the Barbarian (Del Rey)

                August                  Conan the Barbarian (Lionsgate)

"Conan has been done an awful lot in comics, books and video games, but not so much in movies.  With the sheer number of stories that have been told over the years, even for the half-century before the 1982 movie, it's actually quite astonishing that there haven't been more films made."

What The Uninformed Masses and People Who Don't Know How To Use The Internet Know

1982       May                      Conan the Barbarian (Universal)

1984       June                      Conan the Destroyer (Universal)

2011       August                  Conan the Barbarian (Lionsgate)

"OH MY GOD HOLLYWOOD HAS RUN OUT OF IDEAS YOU CAN'T TOP THE ORIGINAL HOW CAN THEY REMAKE CONAN THE BARBARIAN AHNOLD WAS PERFECT THIS IS SACRILEGE BLASPHEMY OUTRAGEOUS"

6 Deleted Scenes That Prove The Book Isn't Always Better

Ah, Cracked.  Sometimes you provide some nice information that the inattentive masses on the internet wouldn't otherwise be aware of, and other times you're saying Sauron was an alright guy.  And now you turn your daft eye towards The Lord of the Rings and Starship Troopers.

And, naturally, they bring up Tom Goddamn Bombadil as evidence that The Book Isn't Always Better.  Because, as we all know, there isn't a single second, nary a frame, of stupid belief-suspension-failure comedy in Jackson's Lord of the Rings film trilogy, right?

Maxim are either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid

In the June 2011 issue of Maxim magazine, there is a brief "fast facts" snippet about Conan and Robert E. Howard. I have to parentheses the facts portion as "We" all know better.

Amaron's post over at the Robert E. Howard Forums piqued my interest, but further developments are just too good to leave alone. I'll just replicate what I said over there.

It says, Conan debuted in 1932, making him older than Superman but younger than Mickey Mouse.

Cool factoid: Solomon Kane's older than all three!

Mickey Mouse first appearance: November 1928
Solomon Kane's first appearance: August 1928

Conan was born in the fictional Hyborian Age in Cimmeria, thought to be modern-day Ukraine - (Funny, that is the first time I have ever heard that one.)

I think they're getting it mixed up with another Cimmeria: the historical Cimmerians lived in the area of modern Ukraine. I've heard it a few times, usually when people try to justify the Austrian accent. ("Austria's right next to Ukraine!")

At least they didn't say "Hyboria," though.

Howard described Conan as 6'2", 210 pounds, supposedly the authors own weight and height.

AAAAAAAARGH.

Conan's an orphan: His mom was decapitated and his dad was eaten by dogs.

Figures. Strange they don't mention Thulsa Doom, though.

Officer Aggro scanned in the page, and there's a delightfully ironic bit in the top right corner:

"Incredibly Untrustworthy Source" indeed.  One wonders if that was intentional on their part.

It's as if they knew...

Yesterday, I decided to spend time with my mother.  Helping her out with housework, hauling bags and furniture around, chatting, that sort of thing. I thought: "eh, there hasn't been much news on the Conan movie front, I figure I can stay away from the computer for a few days."  I come back at about 2pm today, but since I've already spent enough time on the 'net, I get started working on my book again.  It had really fallen by the wayside recently, and I was starting to fear the monster Procrastination was rousing from its slumber.  So I stay off the 'net, and start collating and organizing references to Conan's adventures not catalogued in story form (his youth, burning the Stygian fleet, ascension to the throne, etc).

Then I check the time.  6 o'clock.  Hmm, time to check my emails, just in case there's some snippet of information.  I see Sean Hood's sent an email.  In it, he said the following:

...I'm sure you are watching and analyzing the trailer.

WHAT TRAILER

I immediately check my other emails, and sure enough, tons of people have sent me links to the new Conan the Barbarian trailer.  One was from 2 o'clock this morning.  I was 16 hours late on this massive Conan movie news.  The one day I decide to stay away from the distractions of the internet, and it's the same day the Conan trailer comes out.  So, in a veritable whirling dervish of watching, rewatching, listening and screencapping, I started analyzing the trailer 16 hours after it first came out.  Bless Sean and the others for thinking I was deep in thought carefully analyzing this bombshell, but in truth I was going out of my skull sifting through notes on another thing entirely. I probably should've just lied and said "yes, of course, I've been spending several hours watching it on 1/20th speed hooked up to a 50-inch television backwards and forwards," but I'm a terrible liar.

It's preposterous.  This is cosmic junctioning of Adamsian levels.  Of all the days, it was this day?

Reading Howard With A Sense of Humour

I may have come under fire for wasting everyone's time yesterday, but hopefully this'll be more worthwhile. Unlike Arthur Knowledge, the commentators of this article appear to be intelligent, reasonable human beings who happen to be grossly misinformed. It is my duty as a Howard fan to correct and enlighten them on several key issues.

The place: Discover Magazine Blog.  (Why is it always the sources that are supposed to be informed and intelligent that end up getting things the most wrong?).  The gentleman in question is Razib Khan, but a certain chap named Leviticus says some things that are just... Well, you'll see.

I don't really know what to make of this.

So. Huh.

How can a film's main character have no character development when the film is a Bildungsroman, which is - practically by definition - about a child developing into an adult?

How can one be a fan of Mako, and yet be incapable of correctly pronouncing his name?

And, most pertinently, is it possible to review Conan the Barbarian without resorting to gay jokes?

This is why I have the "What In Blazes" tag

What we have here is a pornographic parody of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

What we also have here is one of the most logic-defying situations I can think of: a pornographic motion picture with a plot that sounds more interesting than the last three official Star Trek films combined.

Watch the video: despite it being ostensibly for a pornographic film, it's completely worksafe.  I have no idea how that happened.

Conan the Homophobe

This came completely out of left field.

When it comes to antagonists, let's just say that if you have ever played a game about Conan that has featured characters from the books, a few of them were "boy lovers". Conan was before political correctness when it was written, and while it was never a focus, Conan has a major amount of contempt for gays and "boy lovers", and while never descriptive a number of his enemies were supposed to have been weakened by such "civilized decadence". Of course in the video games they rarely even go as far as the stories (both canon, and very old non-canon) did, which wasn't very far. Like most heroes a lot of his enemies "almost get him" in one way or another (a trap or spell, if not a straight fight) so you really can't call them impotent (so to speak) for their orientation irregardless of what Conan might think.

Two words: Citation. Needed. 

I'm absolutely stumped by Therumancer's statement.  I can think of about three situations that might be construed as vague allusions to homosexuality:

 - Thalis' gleeful whipping of Natala in "Xuthal of the Dusk"
 - Tascela's suggestive lust for Valeria's youth in "Red Nails"
 - A couple of naked slave boys on wine-pouring duty in "The Scarlet Citadel"

And that's it.  Exactly zero examples, references, allusions or hints that Conan has anything that could remotely be considered "a major amount of contempt for gays and "boy lovers,"" nor that any of his foes could even be conjectured as homosexual, nor that homosexuality was some sort of result of "civilized decadence."  That's not even getting into the fact that I can't recall a Conan game beyond Age of Conan that does feature antagonists from the stories, and even then, from what I can tell they aren't explicitly or suggestively gay.  Seriously, am I missing something, guys?

What's even more bizarre is how our man says that this was before the age of PC, as if the public perception of homosexuality in the 1930s had anything to do with political correctness.  See, here's the thing: up until the 1970s, homosexuality was largely considered a mental disorder.  Think about that.  For much of the 20th century, it was the opinion of the scientific community that homosexuality was as much a psychological-behavioural problem as anorexia, schizophrenia, and the multitudes of manias, philias and phobias.  In the 1950s and 1960s, you got public service announcements like Boys Beware practically equating homosexuality with paedophilia and sexual predation.

This was made a quarter of a century after Howard's death - and you expect a 1930s Texan to think differently?

So to expect Howard to treat homosexuality as anything other than what not only society, but science considered homosexuality to be at the time - that is, a mental disorder, and anyone who practised what was termed sodomy was breaking the law - is simply preposterous.  It's even more ridiculous than expecting him to produce strong female characters (even though he did) or sympathetic black characters (even though he did).

Perhaps he's thinking of one of the pastiches - Lagomorph?  Charles?  Morgan? - but even then, the first Conan pastiche wasn't around until 20 years after Howard's death.  I wouldn't put it past someone like Carter, Moore or Perry.  Perry had some weird stuff.

Oh, and Therumancer said "irregardless."  That isn't a word.

Watch, as Al Descends Into Madness

I don't think I can really talk about the new Conan teaser in any more fairness - or, rather, extreme generosity - than I did on Conan Movie Blog.  I'll probably just descend into gibbering paroxysms, blaspheming cacophonously, screaming words over and over with seemingly no rhyme or reason.  DREADLOCKS!  TEETH!  TATTOOS!  MANGLED!  STILLS!  SYNCH!  INCEPTION!  FACEBOOK!  SWORD!  DELIVERY!  EYEBROWS!  MUMMIES!  BLASPHEMY!

And the fanboys all nod, dripping globules of schadenfreude from their grinning teeth, chanting "We told you.  We told you.  We told you they could never remake Conan the Barbarian.  Didn't we tell you?  Didn't we tell you?"

I rage against the horde, bellowing out more words and phrases.  HOWARD!  THIRTY-TWO!  PULP!  CROSS PLAINS!  EIGHTY!  WEIRD TALES!  LANCERS!  COMICS!  FRAZETTA!

I bash against the cyclopean figures, tall and vast as the basalt pillars of Fingal's Cave, the futility and despair strangling me like a noose.  Still they smile.  Still they chant.  "Milius was right.  Milius was faithful.  Milius was true.  Milius was once, future and forever.  There is none but Milius.  Milius is Conan.  Stone is Conan.  Arnold is Conan."

I scream.  No words come out.  No articulation.  Just roars and bellows, and when my throat fails, rasps and whispers.  I beat the ground with my fists, my elbows, my head.  Exhausted, I slump to the ground.

I see a figure emerge from the congregation of the Milius faithful.  He is tall, strongly built, muscular.  His muscles bulge under his skin like watermelons in a straining burlap sack.  He is smiling.  There is a gap between his teeth.  His chin is strong and proud.  He knees down as I stare, dumbly.

"You weell nevah be free.  Aye am Konahn.  Konayn is aye.  Deny eet ahll you wahnt.  You knoar eet too bee truw.  Konahn ant Ahnuld ah connecteed bay pap calturahl ahsmoarsees ant smoarl rehfehrehnce puls.  Wee cannatt bee sepahrated.  Konahn weell nevah be free, foar een dee ayes oarf der peepul, aye ahm he."

He rises.

"Waht a wayste.  Cahnteemplayte dees oarn der Tree uff Woar."

Tolkien Estate not to blame for Buttongate

I'm not going to say I told you so, mostly because I... didn't tell you so, and it would be fallacious of me to claim otherwise. However, I maintain that the gist of my argument - that one shouldn't immediately blame Christopher Tolkien for all the challenges made by the multi-media empire which has arisen from The Lord of the Rings franchise - is sound, because according to one of the Tolkien estate's lawyers, the Tolkien Estate apparently had nothing to do with the recent controversy regarding buttons. So nyeh.

This morning I heard from Steven Maier, partner at the Oxford law firm of Manches LLP, on behalf of the Tolkien estate. He wrote to say that the estate was not involved in Zazzle's takedown of a badge reading "While you were reading Tolkien, I was watching Evangelion." According to Maier, "Zazzle has confirmed that it took down the link of its own accord, because its content management department came across the product and deemed it to be potentially infringing."

Which is odd, because Adam Rakunas's post on the subject implied that Zazzle had told him they'd written on behalf of Tolkien's heirs. I've written to both Rakunas and Zazzle for an update.

I suspected Zazzle was more to blame than this, simply because you hear a lot about companies taking down content as a preemptive measure against claims of copyright infringement.  They're so anxious that a claim could be made that they do it themselves.  You see it all the time on Youtube.

That said...

I'm sorry for misidentifying the Tolkien estate as responsible for this inanity. While they have used copyright threats to censor at least three novels tangentially involving Tokien's characters or personage (that I know of), this button wasn't their fault, it was Zazzle's.

For Christ's sake, could they have picked a more loaded word than "censor"? I'm aware of The Last Ringbearer and Mirkwood, but what's the third one?  And can they really be considered only tangentially involving Tolkien's characters or personage?

Again, I'm not commenting on the moral/ethical/whatever rights of the Tolkien estate to protect the creation of a man who's been dead for almost 40 years, but I strictly believe that in the eyes of the law, they have a fair point.

Tolkien Fanfics A-Go-Go - Mirkwood: A Novel About JRR Tolkien

I feel I may as well talk about the other big Tolkien story this week, get it out of my system.

Steve Hillard's Mirkwood: A Novel About JRR Tolkien differs from The Last Ringbearer in that it's written by an actual author, as opposed to a palaeontologist writing fan-fiction for a larf which took on a life of its own and got published in Russia and other non-English-speaking countries. It's also different in that it's actually been published in America.  However, the Tolkien Estate has swooped in again and said "no, sir, not allowed." As bloggers aetherwide would have it, this is yet another case of the Tolkien Estate's infamously protective stance against copyright infringement.

But is that really what's going on?

"Jim was most ruined for an automaton..."

Sheer, unmitigated, unadulterated, unpossible brilliance.

Wandering the Wertzone

Well, this is interesting.  I've posted my response, but as always, I'll provide it here in case Blogger eats it.

The problem with the essay is that its author has fundamentally misread Tolkien and Howard.

On the contrary, I feel that the problem here is that you have misread his position.

For one thing, you are missing one extremely salient point: that both Tolkien and Howard differ from the nihilists Grin mentioned because there is genuine heroism, hope and exultation in their works.

Tolkien is full of loss, sorrow and decline, but it's also full of great men doing great things, be they humble Hobbits, or heroic Kings of Men. Howard's stories are full to the brim of similar examples.

THAT is what Leo is talking about which is missing in the stories of which he speaks. There are no heroes, no beacons of humanity to show that while the universe is a dark, cruel, unforgiving place, there are those who defy it with shining beacons of optimism, altruism, and bravery. How can anyone describe anything like that as Nihilistic? Surely if a work is nihilistic, then there would be no victories, no heroism, no hope?

There are no Frodos, Aragorns, Theodens, Balthuses, Solomon Kanes or Kulls in the works Leo is decrying. In short, there are no heroes in these particular works. You say The Lord of the Rings isn't a happy ending: true, but vastly preferable to the alternative. It is an ending I can happily call bittersweet: victory and peace at great cost. Nihilistic? Certainly not.

Your mention of Grin's dismissal of Wheel of Time, and your similar argument that Grin seeks a more "black versus white" approach, is also inaccurate, in my opinion. I read his argument as being that there should be more distinction between the shades of grey going on. Black, white and grey, not just lighter and darker shades of grey.

I'm actually not sure if my rebuttal was sufficient: doubtless someone like Brian would do a better and more articularted job of explaining how, no, Leo did not misread Tolkien or Howard.  I'm convinced that the blog author has simply misread Leo's argument, not that he disagrees with his points.  Either that, or he really thinks Tolkien's a nihilist...

Special mention should be given to Maurice's comment, which is the most profound misinterpretation of a Conan story since Unhappy "Conan threatened to rape Yasmina in the burning ruins of her palace" Anchovy:

I remember also thinking about characters like Conan being chivalrous until a friend of mine told me to actually read an original Howard, The Frost Giant's daughter, where he basically chases and kills a woman's family of giants just so he can rape her.

I'm impressed with how easily you colour that story by the choice omission of several extremely important details to give a completely fallacious and disingenuous impression of the plot in order to make Atali and her brothers out to be the helpless, innocent victims of a brutish Conan.

You miss out the extremely important detail that the woman in question was hypnotically compelling Conan to follow him to his death. She has done this to unnumbered men through the millennia, appearing to dying men on the battlefield, luring them to their doom through sexual manipulation and supernatural compulsion. Men may be bleeding to death and exhausted, but a "strange madness" forces them to walk leagues upon leagues far from civilization in pursuit of a mocking, taunting goddess. Said family of giants, by the way, were lying in wait in preparation to murder him - once again, as they have done to COUNTLESS others - and sacrifice his heart to their father-god.

The guy who wrote the article must have never read one of Howard's works.

Leo Grin is one of the most respected Robert E. Howard scholars out there. His journal, The Cimmerian, is highly regarded, and twice nominated for the World Fantasy Award. He most certainly has controversial opinions not all Howardists agree with - many Howardists disagree on multiple subjects - but to allege he has never read Howard's work, or that he has misread them, is simply preposterous.

Given your grotesque misreading/misrepresentation of "The Frost-Giant's Daughter," I have to question how on earth you came to such a conclusion - or even if you've read the story at all.

In fairness, the near-rape aspect of "The Frost-Giant's Daughter" is often misunderstood: however, the way he implies that Conan just raged into a peaceful giant's town and slaughtered an innocent girl's family as a counterpoint to Conan's chivalry is actually rather nauseating.

Saoirse Ronan in The Hobbit?

Man, I am incredibly torn here. Saoirse Ronan in The Hobbit, likely as Itaril.

On the one hand, to Hades with Itaril. I already commented on this horrible character, but I just ask you to look at the description in its entirety:

ITARIL – female, A woodland Elf, this character is one the Silvan Elves. The Silvan Elves are seen as more earthy and practical. Shorter than other elves, she is still quick and lithe and physically adept, being able to fight with both sword and bow. Showing promise as a fighter at a young age, ITARIL was chosen to train to become part of the Woodland King’s Guard. This is the only life she has ever expected to live, until she meets and secretly falls in love with a young ELF LORD. This role will require a wig and contact lenses to be worn. Some prosthetic make-up may also be required. LEAD. AGE: 17-27.

This is Jackson/Walsh/Boyens fan fiction, pure and simple. For crying out loud, could this be any worse of an awful fan insert? I fully expect Arwen Mark II: a girl who's underestimated by The Man, yet manages to show more pluck and competence than half the men around her. Bonus points if her love with the Hot Young Elf Lord is looked down upon by her domineering, curmudgeonly father.

On the other hand... I really love Saoirse Ronan, even though I've only seen her in two films: City of Ember (an extremely underrated and under-watched post-apocalyptic film) and Atonement. I was struck by how accomplished and beguiling a young actress she was, far better than I was expecting. She's simply amazing, and I see her destined for greatness as an adult.  I really must try to catch The Lovely Bones, and, depressingly, I think I just missed The Way Back in the cinemas.  Anyone know a cinema still showing it in Scotland?  Anyone at all?

All said and done, if there's any young actress who could get me to grit my teeth through the nonsense of Itaril, then Saoirse may well be the one to do it. Now, if only they could get Ron Perlman for Beorn...

He'll Be Back

For seven long, excruciating years, we've waited for Schwarzenegger, now free of his Governor duties, to come back to the world of action films. Today we've heard the words we've been longing for, straight out of Arnold's own lips, that he's got three film scripts to consider; one of them being on our all-time drool list!
 - The Arnold Fans, bless 'em

Sometimes you just have to go with the most painfully unimaginative title.  After months of speculation on his post-governor future, the inevitable return of Arnold Schwarzenegger to the silver screen appears to have been confirmed by the redoubtable Arnold Fans. 

Sauron: A Misunderstood Hero?

What, me evil?

I'm not kidding, this is actually an argument put forward by Cezary Jan Strusiewicz.  One could argue that, since it's on Cracked.com, it shouldn't be taken too seriously - but then, every other "famous movie villain who was right all along" on the list had compelling, reasonable and logical arguments.  So why shouldn't we believe the argument that Sauron was the victim of a terrible smear campaign was similarly made in all honesty? According to Strusiewicz, Sauron, the enemy of freedom, peace, love and anything good, was just misunderstood.

Just so you can understand the immensity of insanity, I'm going to post the segment in its entirety here, and address it.