This is why I have the "What In Blazes" tag

What we have here is a pornographic parody of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

What we also have here is one of the most logic-defying situations I can think of: a pornographic motion picture with a plot that sounds more interesting than the last three official Star Trek films combined.

Watch the video: despite it being ostensibly for a pornographic film, it's completely worksafe.  I have no idea how that happened.

"In bed by nine? That's when life just begins! "

Ah, Jane Russell. She formed a very large part of my childhood in a most bizarre manner: back when I was a lad, my sister and I would watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. We watched a few musicals back then, but this is the one I remember, not just because of the decidedly mercenary motivations of the two lead characters, or the catchy tunes, but because of Jane Russell. Somehow, she shared the screen with Marilyn Monroe, and didn't whither like a pallid bloom in the shadow of some ethereal, otherworldly flower. Indeed, her incredible confidence and physical presence actually somewhat eclipsed Monroe - not least due to her height and powerful personality.  Plus she was pure sonsy.

She lived to a ripe old age, and courted no small amount of controversy. Fare thee well, Ms Russell, in whatever dark worlds unguessed by man lie beyond the void of night.

Epic Syndrome and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

He's an uppity, precocious, intolerant English schoolboy! He's a fierce, quixotic, swashbuckling talking rat!  Together, they travel the land seeking treasure, adventure and excitement wherever it may be!  Eustace and Reepicheep!  Muppet and Mouse!  Runt and Rodent!  Faffer and the Gay(ly clad) Mouse!

I'll tell you my about favourite scene in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  It's the duel between Reepicheep and Eustace Scrubb.  It was a battle of wits and a tussle of egos as an arrogant, snotty braggart of a child is challenged by a cavalier talking mouse.  The fight was energetic, fun, endearing, and engaging: two characters were having it out not just physically, but mentally.  On one side Eustace, one of those insufferable children who claim to have absolute insight and cannot conceive of any reality outside the ones they deign to recognize; on the other, Reepicheep, a romantic, adventurous, wild-hearted swashbuckler ever eager to find new wonders and experiences, constantly challenging himself.  Two archetypes at odds with each other in a whimsical miniaturization of the heart of the Narnia story: the juxtaposition of reality with fantasy, and the conflict which arises within and without.

If Michael Apted could've just taken that scene and figured out how to apply it to the rest of the film, as well as take hints from the best parts of the previous films,  Dawn Treader could've been great.  As it is, it's just ok: not bad, but man, just a bit more boldness and daring...

A Belated Happy Birthday to Ray Bradbury

Wow, 90 years old.  I was alerted by Morgan Holmes, but unfortunately I never got around to it until just now.

More Mark Finn at Comic-Con

I feel compelled to post this:

RevolutionSF contributor Mark Finn, noted expert on Robert E. Howard and uber-geek, will be on hand at San Diego Comic-Con this year, despite a lack of Conan-centric activities.

"While it's true that there won't be a sneak preview of the upcoming Conan movie," said Finn, "on the other hand, Elvira will be signing autographs. Elvira. 'Nuff said."

Any regular RevSF readers who wish to meet the elusive Finn can stalk him at either the Dark Horse booth, or the APE comics booth, where he will be visiting frequently.

"If you want to see me in my true element, I'm hosting a Robert E. Howard lunch and toast at the Hilton Gaslamp restaurant, New Leaf, at noon, on Friday. All are welcome, and it's buy your own food and drinks."

Finn paused and then added, "Please, no furry underpants."

Finn will be intermittently tweeting from Comic-Con. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter at FinnsWake.

Mark, if you don't get an autograph or picture of yourself with the Mistress of the Dark, I'll be sorely disappointed.  Not least because, like Morgan Fairchild, Jane Seymour and Sigourney Weaver, she's looking amazingly youthful for a woman rapidly approaching her 60s.  I call it the Joan Collins effect.

Hmm, Cassandra Peterson as Zelata, maybe?  Atla?  How 'bout that kickass Westermarck matron?

Triangulation: Revenge of the Mill, African Mythology, Hawks, Dinosaurs, and Momo!

A few more posts this week rounding out April...

Sunday sees that damned mill return, and a fairly lengthy one given my opinions on everything. I still can't get over Lang bringing up Shakespeare in reference to Zym. I've made a habit of posting Patrice's approval of Momoa whenever someone brings up how Momoa "can't live up to AHNOLD" elsewhere. I really think when we see Momoa with the blue eyes & black hair, grizzled makeup and extra muscle, people might finally shut up about Momoa. I admit, I was taking a "wait and see approach" bordering on the skeptical, but as soon as he lost the dreds & goatee in more recent pictures, I was starting to see it. Indeed, it was getting to the point that I'm starting to feel sorry we wasted Momoa in this film. Now I am starting to wish it was Lutz or Padalecki.

Triangulation: Casting, Owchar, Awards, 2GB and Dammit I'm still a Man

Happenings afoot, folks!

Triangulation: Mo-Mo is Coco

(Apparently, a momo is a traditional Tibetan dumpling, which is a delightful coincidence, since I've taken to calling Momoa "Mo-Mo." Thanks, Taran!)

As if I didn't have enough reasons to be annoyed at myself, I only posted one thing at The Cimmerian this week: a rather acerbic look at Jason Momoa's casting as Conan. It's gotten to the point where I actually would kind of like to see Lucy Lawless as Conan! That'd certainly take the sapphic dynamics in "Xuthal of the Dusk" and "Red Nails" to a whole new level. Natala, Thalis and Lady-Conan in a torrid triangle... Well, there's weirder fan fiction out there.

Still, Deuce was kind enough to give my wee blog a link, hopefully sending a couple Cimmerian readers my way. Still, I intend to keep to my promise not to turn TBTTF into one big depository of the things people say about Conan & Howard: that would include concentrating more on The Cimmerian and things that are actually worthy of discussion, instead of addressing the silliness of anonymous internet users.

Hmm, maybe they'll get Lucy for that Dark Agnes film. Nah, that'd be too much to hope for, wouldn't it? I'm afraid to think too much about that particular film, since we all know what happened to Kane and Conan. If they mess with Aggie...

What It Would Take To Get Me To Watch Conan: The Wrath of Singh

As it stands, there's nothing convincing me to go and fork over my cash for this monstrosity. I don't even know if I'll catch it on TV. I have enough stress in my life.

So aside from a full rewrite that isn't an affront to Robert E. Howard's memory, what would it take for me to see this film? We have our director, writers, and Conan (and possibly Corin if the rumours of Mickey Rourke are to be believed.) Let's see...