Triangulation: The Final Week

This is it, the penultimate Triangulation post.  It's been fun, lads & lasses.

Sunday has two: my sort-of Farewell to The Cimmerian blog, and a bit of news on The Hobbit situation (I'm sure fans of JotR will want Jackson to just step in, but given my general antipathy, I'm not really that bothered about who replaces Billy of the Bull). I might put up a second "goodbye" post closer to the blog's closing, but really, I think I've said all I could say.  I recommend everyone check out my Venarium buddy's farewell, too.

There was a gap of a few days, before I embarked on my last series: a history of The Cimmerian blog.  Thursday was Year One, Friday was Year Two, Saturday was Year Three.  Years Four and Five will naturally follow today and on Monday.  I wasn't sure whether to add a cute subtitle, but they're already long enough.

So, one more week until the end of The Cimmerian blog, and Howard Days.  In between getting my final four posts up (I'll just give you some clues: Barbarians of Middle-earth, Hyborian Age Gazetteer, a Howard review, and a non-Howard review), I'll be making sure everything's ready for Cross Plains.  I'm taking my laptop on the flight, so I can spend the ten+ hours productively working on stuff before I arrive in Abilene.  I'll be taking a video camera with me, which I might put up on my youtube account after some jiggery-pokery.  "The Scottish Invasion: Al Harron at Cross Plains" or some such.  Hey, if Leo can be in a video...

Triangulation: Lang, Lawsuits, Bakshi, Moorcock, Tolkien Art, Frazetta & REH,

Obviously, before the big news broke, I had a lot of plans for The Cimmerian. However, those plans will not be in vain, as will become clear soon. For now, a double-dipping of Triangulation, since I seem to have forgotten last week's.

On Tuesday the 18th, I link to Stephen Lang speaking on the Conan film. Comparisons to Jason & the Argonauts have me worrying about a certain other Harryhausen film, or rather its remake... Thursday the 20th, Paradox & Orion have settled their hash. Maybe now we can get Conan's Brethren, huzzah! Saturday the 22nd is right in the middle of the internet blackout, so in an absolute panic I just did a post on Robert Rodriguez announcing Fire & Ice.

Wednesday the 26th brings Moorcock back into The Cimmerian's sights, possibly for the last time. Thursday the 27th yet another short post, this time to a link of Tolkien artists. Finally, on Saturday the 29th, I get the big guns out, and go on with The Art of Frank Frazetta & Robert E. Howard, Part 1. Here I discuss the first iconic Conan picture. I've no doubt people will call it pretentious and snooty, but given I rarely feel like I'm clever in comparison to established Howard scholars, I'll take what I can get.

Again, I'll fully address the situation on The Cimmerian soon.

Triangulation: Sword Woman and Missed Opportunities

I feel like a right dunderhead, as I wasted two perfectly good opportunities for Cimmerian posts this week. Blame it on Facebook.

Anyway, just the one this week: A snippet about the upcoming The Sword Woman And Other Historical Adventures. I'd love to finally read the "Mistress of Death" fragment in its original form. I've always loved Dark Agnes the most out of Howard's female heroines: in addition to being a fascinating character, she's the single best antidote to the "Howard was Sexist" misconception.

So in future, while I'll still talk about REH and Tolkien, the more detailed excursions will go on The Cimmerian in future. Luckily, there's still plenty of Conan to go around: Conan the Adventurer, the live action Conan, Conan & the Young Warriors, what have you. Expect a lot more about dinosaurs, Transformers, games, comics and the like in future.

Triangulation: Revenge of the Mill, African Mythology, Hawks, Dinosaurs, and Momo!

A few more posts this week rounding out April...

Sunday sees that damned mill return, and a fairly lengthy one given my opinions on everything. I still can't get over Lang bringing up Shakespeare in reference to Zym. I've made a habit of posting Patrice's approval of Momoa whenever someone brings up how Momoa "can't live up to AHNOLD" elsewhere. I really think when we see Momoa with the blue eyes & black hair, grizzled makeup and extra muscle, people might finally shut up about Momoa. I admit, I was taking a "wait and see approach" bordering on the skeptical, but as soon as he lost the dreds & goatee in more recent pictures, I was starting to see it. Indeed, it was getting to the point that I'm starting to feel sorry we wasted Momoa in this film. Now I am starting to wish it was Lutz or Padalecki.

Triangulation: Roy Thomas, Blood & Thunder, and A Personal Note

There were two pretty big pieces of news this week.

First off, Roy Thomas is returning to Conan. While I have many, many problems with Thomas' myriad adaptations, there are a number of considerations which make me cut him some slack, in comparison to the likes of Busiek and Truman. For one, Thomas was wrestling with the Comics Code Authority, the draconian institution dedicated to making comics safe for tiddlypeeps, and as a result, perpetuating the "comics are for kids" fallacy. (No medium can be restricted to a demographic, people.) He also had the De Camp juggernaut to contend with, where he pretty much had to use De Camp's existing pastiches for many stories, including the maligned "The Hand of Nergal" and "The Treasure of Tranicos."

Triangulation: Solomon Kane at Newport

I think I wiped myself out on Clash of the Titans. I also spent far too much time watching Invader Zim on the internet. Khalar Zym awakened fond memories.

As such, only a link for the whole week. I'll try to get back on track, perhaps some Gazetteers, Almuric or Barbarians post. Maybe finally get around to some reviews I'm still behind on. Here's hoping.

Until then...

Triangulation: Moore, Looming Doom & Gloom, and Trash of the Nitwits

I'm still reeling from Cash-in of the Turkeys. A film has to try to be this bad, and given the amount of money and special effects pumped into the thing, it made me more than a bit angry.

Triangulation: Gazetteers, Barbarians, Milius, Momoa and Empire

I just have to post a link to the Keegans' April Fool's gag. This was great fun, and I'd love to see some more crazy Two-Gun Bob crossovers!

Triangulation: Tompk, Solomon Kane on DVD, and Cormac the Terminator

There are still a few things I want to get done before April rolls around, and I only have three days. Eek!

Triangulation: Blackwood, Lovecraft, Brackett, Burroughs, "Conan" and more

This was a crazy week. So many important dates to consider!

Triangulation: KHALAAAR, Pastichery, and No, not Ron Perlman!

Not that much today, damn distracting internet.

Anyway... Tuesday confirms my disappointment that Stephen Lang is playing Khalar Singh. It's just not fair damn it. This film can't win for me, though: if they cast a bad actor, it just makes the film worse, but if they cast a good actor, then they're wasting their talent. I'm sure some would consider that really fannish of me, but frankly I couldn't care less at this point.

Friday I put in my two pennies about Charles R. Saunders' review of Conan the Hero. I love allegories, but only when they're self-contained and don't muck up a universe. Animal Farm is perfect, for example. It's when they try to force it into an existing property that gets my hackles up. Hence how I dislike Conan the Hero: trying to do more than typical save-the-girl-steal-the-treasure-kill-the-monster-defeat-the-sorcerer subplot does get a little appreciation from me, but not when it's instead used for a painful, heavy-handed and unsubtle allegory. Sorry, Lenny: if you wanted to do a Vietnam war allegory, do your own story. Leave it out of Conan. If you can't, then at least try and find a way to make it more universal and "applicable," as I note Howard and Tolkien were infinitely superior craftsmen in every way.

Saturday and my heart is broken again, as Ron Perlman is Corin. I blame myself, frankly. I noted back when Rourke was rumoured, I hoped that he wouldn't be tainted with this project; if he had to choose between this and War of the Gods, the latter looked a much less damaging project. I got my wish, but in the manner of those most insidious genies and the very cruelest of Outer Limits and Twilight Zone episodes, it was at a cost far greater than I imagined. Instead of Rourke, an actor I'm fairly impressed by, it is Ron Perlman, one of my very favourite character actors, who gets cast in the role. Damn you, Lionsgate! Damn you to Hades!

Also something on Rose McGowan possibly being Marique (what kind of Hyborian name is that!?!) but I'm so annoyed at Ron's casting I can't even care.

Graaah. I need something to calm me down.



Aww. Look at that little guy. I can feel the urge to kill dropping... dropping... RISING... dropping... dropping... gone. Aaaaah.

Triangulation: Casting, Owchar, Awards, 2GB and Dammit I'm still a Man

Happenings afoot, folks!

Triangulation: Solomon Kane, Konahn el Destructor, Immortal Fantasy, and Things to Come

Another busy week here, at the REH forums, and at The Cimmerian.

In what is quite possibly my longest Cimmerian article, I delve into the Solomon Kane film. With a week later to ruminate, I think I've settled on "a good enough little film on its own merits, though naturally with many flaws." Interestingly, Paul Berrow liked the review, and said he'd have no reservations circulating it. Paul is one of the producers of the film: wonder if Jim Lad and MJB have read it?

On Thursday, I celebrated the first anniversary of my unofficial Cimmerian debut with El Ingenioso Destructor Rey Konahn de Simaria. I just wish Steve was still alive to read it. Hopefully he's having a good chuckle in Valhalla.

Saturday I chat about Charles R. Saunders' updates and Immortal Fantasy, the fun graphic novel from Winston Blakely. It'd be awesome if Winston and Charles did a comic adaptation of Imaro, or made up a new S&S hero together.

As for the future, Taran over at the Robert E. Howard forum brought a hateful little scribbling from Hans Joachim Alpers to my attention, and he makes a powerful case that this essay could have been a significant factor in setting back scholarship of fantasy for decades. As is tradition for The Cimmerian, I'm planning on giving it a good thrashing too. It's particularly the implication of comparing Conan and The Lord of the Rings to fascism that infuriates me beyond belief, as any fool would know Howard and Tolkien's hatred for the ideology in their letters and interviews.

Triangulation: Jim Lad, Lil' Leo, Weird Tales Troika, Momo, and Painbrush

Getting back in my stride, I think.

Monday sees an interview with James Purefoy. I am totally sold on Jim lad, which is amazing considering how much I disliked him in "Rome": turns out, you're not really supposed to consider Marc Anthony a swell chap. Jim lad, though, he's awesome. I'd love to meet him and say "job well done" on his Blackbeard, the best performance of Teach between him and Angus McFadyen.


Tuesday's scoop is Leo Howard cast as the Littlest Barbarian. As with Momo, I'm not fighting down the urge to vomit in rage, even though there are certain problems. Give him blue contacts/digital colour correction, give him a more Cimmerian hairstyle, and he could work. His theatrical martial arts styles means he has great control over his body and strong athleticism: I can definitely see him climbing sheer cliffs, felling hawks on the wing, spearing wild beasts and killing Picts at a 10th-grade level. I still think he's too cute, though.

Thursday brings us an update on the Howard-Lovecraft-Smith poetry books. I can't help but be a bit disappointed. On the Howard side, I lament the absence of "Cimmeria," "A Word From The Outer Dark," "Red Thunder," "The Bell of Morni," and the Solomon Kane pieces, which is strange, since "The King and the Oak" appears. Amazingly, not a single one of the Smith poems I thought would be foregone conclusions--“The Hashish Eater, Or, The Apocalypse of Evil,” “Lament of the Stars,” “The Titans in Tartarus,” “The Sea-Gods” and “The Song of the Worlds”--made the cut, not even the stupendous "The Hashish-Eater," which utterly bemuses me. I was also woefully inaccurate in guessing stories for the Lovecraft collection, where again, none of my predictions--“The Cats,” “Providence,” “The House,” “Festival,” and “The City”--are present. I'm also surprised that Lovecraft's epic "Fungi from Yuggoth" is represented by only a handful of its thirty-six chapters, especially since Lovecraft's poetic output is considerably smaller than that of his Texan and Californian friends. Still, these books weren't meant to be "the complete Howard/Lovecraft/Smith" Weird Poetry collections, and the omissions might well be the result of copyright and public domain issues.


Friday, Momo Spaketh! There's a minor controversy over at the Robert E. Howard forums, as his mention of hoping Conan could get him a role on Pirates of the Carribean rubbed some REH fans the wrong way, the implication being that Momo viewed Conan as a mere "stepping stone" onto more worthy projects. I think it's a bit of an overreaction: more likely, Momo was simply saying what other jobs he'd like to do, and I'm sure being Conan would be a springboard if it was any good. Just talkin' bout his job. Besides, i can officially never make fun of him again after seeing his mammy's face. Her little smile will haunt me whenever I think of poking fun at Momo. Damn it.

That was originally going to be my Saturday post, but yet again, I posted too early. Rather than cash in one of my "week off" chips, I decided to put together a quick one for Saturday. I'd been meaning to mention Strom's wonderful and touching memorial to Dan on The Cimmerian, but never got around to it: I wanted it to be more than just a link and a paragraph. Still, it's more important it's on TC at all than worry about its content.

Triangulation: Saunders and Finn, and other stuff

I'm suffering a hideous case of writer's block. I desperately wanted to get back into the groove, but nothing's working. I have half a dozen unfinished posts wallowing in limbo, and no idea how to complete them. Drat. Anyway, two short posts again.

On Tuesday, there's a link to a cool Charles R. Saunders interview. Thus far, I still haven't read all the Imaro material: it's one of those series I want to savour and enjoy for a while. Luckily, the story format lends itself well to such reading. I'm kind of tempted to do a picture of Imaro standing triumphant over "Fools' Doom."

Saturday, I seriously hit that block. I had a ton of ideas for Valentine's Day to complement Barbara's beautiful article, but nothing clicked. So, I just went with a link to Mark Finn's awesome post on the Robert E. Howard forums. I feel really annoyed at letting the team down: if we don't get back on track, the site's momentum (which has been smashing records since November) might stall or even slide, which would be really disappointing given how we've been doing.

Well, hopefully I'll amend that. I have a few things on the backburner I could fast track: Hyborian Age Gazetteers, Barbarians of Middle-earth, more Almuric, and something special planned for 25th February.

Triangulation: Mo-Mo is Coco

(Apparently, a momo is a traditional Tibetan dumpling, which is a delightful coincidence, since I've taken to calling Momoa "Mo-Mo." Thanks, Taran!)

As if I didn't have enough reasons to be annoyed at myself, I only posted one thing at The Cimmerian this week: a rather acerbic look at Jason Momoa's casting as Conan. It's gotten to the point where I actually would kind of like to see Lucy Lawless as Conan! That'd certainly take the sapphic dynamics in "Xuthal of the Dusk" and "Red Nails" to a whole new level. Natala, Thalis and Lady-Conan in a torrid triangle... Well, there's weirder fan fiction out there.

Still, Deuce was kind enough to give my wee blog a link, hopefully sending a couple Cimmerian readers my way. Still, I intend to keep to my promise not to turn TBTTF into one big depository of the things people say about Conan & Howard: that would include concentrating more on The Cimmerian and things that are actually worthy of discussion, instead of addressing the silliness of anonymous internet users.

Hmm, maybe they'll get Lucy for that Dark Agnes film. Nah, that'd be too much to hope for, wouldn't it? I'm afraid to think too much about that particular film, since we all know what happened to Kane and Conan. If they mess with Aggie...

Triangulation: Imaro, Critics, Birthdays & Asylums

Man, I really need to pick my battles. With the astonishing news of Jason "Can't ride a horse, won't ride a horse" Momoa cast as Conan, all the idiots are out of the woodwork. "Hey, I think it's great they're casting an exotic guy as a barbarian - I mean, it makes him stand out, right?" "I think he's closer to Conan, who if I recall correctly, was described as lean and panther-like rather than massive and muscular." "KRUM! Why do we need to remake Conan? It was a classic! They'll never do better than Arnold! Bring back Milius and Conan: Crown of Iron!"

Urge... to kill... rising...

Anway, on with the show. First of all was a very quick post on Imaro. I really like Imaro, he's probably my favourite non-Howard barbarian, along with Sigurd from The Ship of Ishtar. The image I chose is one of the few I found of the Ilyassi Ironman on DeviantArt, which can be a decent resource if you're discerning in your search. For the love of Tulkas, do not search for "Gimli & Legolas." Don't. Do it.

Then the moment I'd been dreading and anticipating for a month: Nostalgia Critic reviews Conan the Barbarian. To my eternal gratefulness, Howard gets a damn good shake from it, and I'm immensely impressed that Doug chose The Bloody Crown of Conan to illustrate it: The famous Conan the Adventurer would've been alright, but it's really great to see the definitive Robert E. Howard Conan collection in the spotlight. Top job, Critic.

Howard's 104th birthday at The Cimmerian wouldn't be complete without my sentimental ramblings. I'm a much tougher kid than I am as an adult, which is probably to be expected giving The Anomaly back when I was 16. I'm still pinching myself, that my stuff is on The Cimmerian.

Finally, a fun post on the Asylum. Honestly, the Asylum's mockbuster Conan will probably end up less painful to watch than the "official" "Conan." Kind of like how Transmorphers: Fall of Man was more bearable than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, seeing as it didn't stomp my childhood into little tiny bits with rutting gags and toilet humour. I still think I'm going to catch that Sherlock Holmes film with the dinosaurs and powered armour.

Don't look at me like that.

Triangulation: Donations, Newsletters, Smith & Clonans

Sunday saw a short post giving directions for donations to Project Pride in Dan Goudey's name. Not much to say, except it's a lovely tribute.

Monday's pretty cool, as we see that The Cimmerian was noticed and mentioned in the Library of America newsletter. Man, I hope they do a full Howard book soon.

Wednesday is Clark Ashton Smith day, as we at The Cimmerian celebrate Clark Ashton Smith's birthday. The illustrations therein (apart from the Fantasy Masterworks picture) are all by yours truly: the lineart very old stuff from 2005 or thereabouts, and the CG pictures two years later. One of these days I'm going to get my "Empire of the Necromancers" short finished and put it up on youtube. Those poor guys on the Eldritch Dark forums have probably been on tenterhooks.

Saturday get some Conan casting news. Seriously, of all the recent Conan contenders, two are former Abercrombie & Finch models, and two are Twilight alumnus. One is both. What kind of crazy world is it that underwear models and teenybopper heartthrobs can be considered for freaking Conan.

Just as well the film's already a disaster, otherwise I might be upset about it. As it is, I really want to see if Nispel can turn Mears into a romantic protagonist. I gotta say, they need to get a good thespian for Tamara, since it'll need a great actor to make Mears believably turn girls to hot butter on a skillet.

Also, an update on the Nostalgia Critic Conan the Barbarian/Conan the Destroyer review: I got in contact with Rob Walker the proprieter, and let's just say there's no need to worry on the Howard front. The only things that will be the target of scrutiny will be the films themselves, and Rob's even written in a special gag for us Howard fans. Awesome stuff, and it only cements my appreciation of them.

Triangulation: Barbarians, Painbrushes, Hobbits, & Avatars

Another semi-busy week.

First off, I join in the Tolkien birthday celebrations, with my next "Barbarians of Middle-earth" article. I have to say, one of my favourite bits in Jackson's The Return of the King was that big tattooed Haradrim Mumak-driver, grunting and yawping like mad. He wasn't like any Haradrim I imagined, but he was fun, one of the few characters that I found engaging, for all the second he appears. I was very sad to see him killed in such ludicrous fashion: I was hoping for a big showdown with Theoden (like in the books) but apparently it was more important for Eomer to kill two Mumaks with one shot. Because as anyone knows, the best way to make the odds look insurmountable is to have the five-story monsters insultingly easy to kill.


I also have to love Jackson's wish to avoid racist stereotypes by, effectively, just switching the targets. Instead of possibly being insensitive to Muslims, let's just be insensitive to Pacific Islanders and Polynesians. Rather than, you know, emphasising the fact that the Haradrim are at best deceived, and at worst enslaved, by Sauron? In the half-hour epilogue bonanza, would it have killed them to have spend a few seconds to show the reconciliation between Gondor and the Haradrim, thus solidifying the idea that these guys were alright when they weren't ruled by the darkest, most insidious force on the planet? Argh. It just bugs me.

On Tuesday, I do a proper tribute to Dan "PainBrush" Goudey. A week later, and I still can't believe it.

Wednesday, and I have to comment on The Hobbit casting call. I really think the script is what lets down the Jackson Lord of the Rings films for me: simplistic dialogue smooshed together awkwardly with Tolkien's prose, mucking about with the story and characters, leaving out great scenes from the book and replacing them with half-baked fan fiction. I really hope TORN is right, and this doesn't reflect the film at large. I still demand Brian Blessed as Balin.

Saturday is Avatar time. I went into the film extremely skeptical. All the talk I heard about it being a masterpiece and a "game-changer" simply ellicited the contrary aspect of my personality ("five stars, eh? We'll see about that!") Still, I was pleasantly surprised. Stephen Lang was distilled, deep-fried, eighteen-months-matured, gold-plated awesome. The effects were remarkably convincing, and I'm the sort of guy who thinks the special effects in Jurassic Park were the apex of CGI (and still do, as a matter of fact). Pandora's world and creatures, while hardly anything I've never seen before, were beautifully realised.

Still, it ain't perfect. The plot is really, really straightforward, with absolutely zero suprises. Sigourney Weaver does a great job, but I hated her character, who came across as obnoxiously abrasive in the beginning, to the point that I didn't really care when she died. Jake Sully was a compete imbecile: what kind of idiot tries to bat away a seemingly magical thing immediately after he was already chastised for it? "Baby" indeed. All I can say is now that James Cameron films dominate the top two grossing blockbusters, he's going to be insufferable.

There was one dilemma not related to plot: who would I be backing, the robots or the "dinosaurs"? Since the giant mechanised suits weren't technically "robots," it was easy to back the dinosaurs. Damn, I'd love to see a proper Dinotopia done like this.

One thing bugs me though: the Na'vi use feathers on their arrows, yet I didn't see a single feathered lifeform on Pandora. The birds all had slick membranous wings. So where were the Na'vi getting their feathers?

Triangulation: Trifectas, DeCampistas, Reviews, Kush & Almuric

I'm really down about Painbrush's passing, so this'll likely be brief. I really wish the new year got off to a better start. This was going to be the year I finally met Painbrush at Howard Days, and it tears me up knowing I won't. Damn it.

On Monday, I'm a bit late to the table regarding a trifecta of Weird Tales poetry books: I thought I was being a good little reporter with an awesome scoop, but it turns out I was late to the table. Oh well, any excuse for that awesome picture.

On the penultimate day of the year, the DeCampista Awards make their debut. I think Mark's idea is brilliant: I'm sure some will be going "but why even give them an award? You'll just encourage them!" To which I would counter: there is no way anyone would take this as a badge of pride. Except maybe Gary.

So as not to go out on a sour note, I saved the best for the last day of 2009: a review of the year. There are probably a few things I missed, but this is all the stuff I felt most relevant.

Also that day, a quick post about Charles R. Saunders' Kush essay, making a return to public after thirty-odd years. I've been meaning to ask Charles about that essay he did about Kush for Savage Sword.

The Saturday post, and the first of the new year and decade, is devoted to Almuric. I have big plans for this series over the year: chapter analysis, comparison to other stories by Howard and others, as well as a few extra surprises.