King Conan, Conan the Barbarian: Queen of the Black Coast, and the Fidelity Paradox

Only took 16 years.

“What was that you started telling me the other day about a monkey’s paw or something, Morris?”

“Nothing,” said the soldier, hastily. “Leastways nothing worth hearing.”

“Monkey’s paw?” said Mrs. White, curiously.

“Well, it’s just a bit of what you might call magic, perhaps,” said the sergeant-major, offhandedly.

His three listeners leaned forward eagerly. The visitor absent-mindedly put his empty glass to his lips and then set it down again. His host filled it for him.

“To look at,” said the sergeant-major, fumbling in his pocket, “it’s just an ordinary little paw, dried to a mummy.”

He took something out of his pocket and proffered it. Mrs. White drew back with a grimace, but her son, taking it, examined it curiously.

“And what is there special about it?” inquired Mr. White as he took it from his son, and having examined it, placed it upon the table.

“It had a spell put on it by an old fakir,” said the sergeant-major, “a very holy man. He wanted to show that fate ruled people’s lives, and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow. He put a spell on it so that three separate men could each have three wishes from it.”
 - "The Monkey's Paw," W.W. Jacobs

It is happening.

And I am conflicted.

Of course.

But... there is another...

Conan Across The Multiverse

The darkness hung in the old tomb's nighted halls like tapestries of a ghostly kingdom. Glinting pinpricks of dust flittered to the ground, disturbed for the first time in centuries by some errant gust from a nameless wind. The great jade sarcophagus laid upon a cracked lapiz-lazuli dais untouched for untold years, the silence unbroken since the death of the old dynasty. A thunderstroke cracked; a blast of dust and smoke burst as the sarcophagus lid shuddered open. A withered hand juddered from the gloom: grasping the lid, a skeletal husk heaved into the dim light. A skull wrapped in skin dry and pale as parchment loomed aloft. It gaped and gasped, coughing fitfuls of dessicated beard into the stagnant air like a dandelion clock. The figure looked, squinting its wrinkled eyelids uselessly over the sockets from which eyes once gazed.

"Ach, what are they up to now?"

The Road to Acheron, Part Four - "Zukundu of the Twilight" & "The Glacier of Time's Abyss"

(DM's NOTE: The first story is the conclusion of the previous sessions' adventure, and some story elements of Helena Nash's "Devils Under Green Stars" are included... with some significant alterations. The thrilling finale to the Zukundu saga is here at last - and we even had time to fit in the next adventure! Both ripping yarns are included in this post - the question being, who survives? )

The Road to Acheron, Part Three: "The Fall of Zukundu"

(DM's note: In my optimism, I projected that this adventure would be finished in one session. The players, being the wonderful meandering adventurers they are, saw fit to extend this story for another session - so much so, in fact, that the final chapters will take place in the first part of next week's session. I wouldn't have it any other way - though I'm going to take steps to improve my time management for the next set of stories!

As with the previous week, plot elements from Helena Nash's "Devils Under Green Stars" may be spoiled for anyone who wishes to play that adventure in its unadulterated form)

("The Lion's Reign," The Ghost and the Darkness, Jerry Goldsmith)

The Horror in the Greenhouse

Amatagt and Kryxus met each other somewhere outside of Kush. When they learned they shared the same destination, they agreed to work together - for now. Both heard different stories about the lost city of Zukundu, of what may lie behind its great walls, and the dangers that lurk within. The pair brave the jungles of Kush and its denizens, and arrived at the great basin where the city dwelt. They skilfully avoided the monstrous reptiles infesting the lake surrounding the city, and climbed the outer walls.

When they entered the city, they saw a woman. When she noticed them, she froze, before turning and racing into the jungle. The two began a pursuit, and followed her to a doorway leading downwards, overgrown with red vines. They heard a bloodcurdling female scream from below, and ran down into the corridor. They entered a strange greenhouse-like room with green glowing windows, stone planters, and red vines growing over all of them. The woman, standing in the centre, was trembling in terror: she spoke in Kushite, and though Amatagt is not well-versed in the language, he has taken enough slaves to understand "No! Get away! Get away!"

Something grabbed Amatagt by the waist, constricting around him like a snake. Before he can reach for his sword, Kryxus felt more constrictions binding his limbs, and snaked across his chest. Both were jerked backwards into the darkness, their vision swimming in a sea of red...

The Road to Acheron, Part Two: "The Children of Zukundu"

Welcome to the second session of The Road to Acheron. Last time, seven adventurers escaped the very pit of the serpent: Python, the capital of the Nightmare Empire of Acheron, was struck down by mighty magic practically unseen even in this sorcerous realm. Amatagt the Stygian, Arcus the Argossean, Dusan the Hyperborean, Kenyatta the Kushite, Kryxus the Gunderman, Tiberius the Kothian, and Zafia the Zamorian were some of the few who escaped the writhing death throes of a screaming city.

After putting many miles between themselves and the site of that unholy destruction, the seven departed. Amatagt, Kenyatta, and Tiberius rode out on their own, each having their own goals and quests in mind. Arcus, Dusan, Kryxus and Zafia, however, formed a band of their own, and roamed the ruins of Acheron as a team. Several months pass: coin is won and lost, adventures were told and experienced, blood and sweat and tears were shed, as the survivors of Python's fall made names for themselves across the western continent. These stories may also be told, in time - but that is for another day.

Something - the will of capricious gods or devils, or fate, or simple happenstance - conspired to draw them together once again.

(Note: this is a heavily altered adaptation of Helena Nash's "Devils Under Green Stars," collected in the Conan RPG supplement Jewelled Thrones of the Earth. It's a beautiful adventure with some great ideas, but I wanted to put my own mark on it as a DM. While there are some changes, anyone who plans on playing the original adventure should keep in mind there will be some elements from the original adventure within, & might want to avoid spoiling themselves.)

The Road To Acheron, Part One - "The Seven Sacrifices"

Last night was the first proper session of my game of Conan: Adventures in an Age Undreamed Of. Following character creation, I took a cue from a few Howard stories and started the action with the heroes in captivity: their weapons, armour, equipment, and allies all taken from them, leaving them with only a deliberately abrasive tunic & their wits. Will this first adventure be their last? Well, only one way to find out...

The Road to Acheron - A Saga in An Age Undreamed of

It seems like an eternity since I first went to Cross Plains. It leads on from the story of how I got into Conan. To recap: in the early 2000s, I picked up a copy of Fantasy Masterwork's The Conan Chronicles Volume One: The People of the Black Circle. I recognised the name from the plethora of Conan media, but to see it included in the Fantasy Masterworks subline (number 8 out of what would be 50) piqued my interest. Given that the first story I read (after the "Hyborian Age Essay" which I naturally ate up) was the magnificent "The Tower of the Elephant," of course I was hooked. Shortly after, I started posting on the late lamented Conan.com forums. I started to get acquainted with folk who knew a great deal about not just Conan, but his creator and his work. Over time, I mustered up the gumption to start this blog, & within time, I was nominated for a Robert E. Howard Foundation Award... which led me to Cross Plains, a shy, over-excited Strange Scot in a Strange Land eager to finally meet people who I'd been conversing with, and a pilgrimage to the homeland of an author whose work meant so much. Without exception, each of the regulars - and fellow newcomers - was generous, accommodating, and welcoming, and I'll never forget that.

Bite-Sized Blog: On Conan, REH and The Times In Which He Lived

“Crom!” It was an explosive imprecation from Conan’s lips as he started up, his great fists clenched into hammers, his veins on his temples knotting, his features convulsed...

In case anyone's wondering: I've not been up to much due to an attack of bruxism, which has resulted in me biting into my left cheek to the point where it feels like someone takes a pair of pliers to my jaw muscles every hour or two. Luckily it's starting to heal now, though I'll be needing gumshields and whatnot. Stayed in most of the last week washing my mouth with benzydamine and whisky.

Hopefully nothing interesting's happened in my absence, like a new Conan movie that's actually an adaptation of one of the original stories being announced with Patrice Louinet taken on board as advisor. 

Because that would just be the worst timing ever.

On Adaptations and Illustrations of Literature

 It may have taken them 5 issues to stop messing around with pastichery and finally start seriously adapting some Howard stories, but it's well worth the wait.

This year's Howard Days, which I shall indeed be attending for all those who wish to see the Greater Bearded Scot, is centered around Howard in comics. The guest of honour is Timothy Truman, currently writing the upcoming King Conan: The Hour of the Dragon adaptation from Dark Horse. And the fandom rejoiced, for Truman is popular among Howard fans for his comparatively faithful adaptations and appreciation of Howard. Well, most Howard fans: there's always one, isn't there?

No, I doubt there'll be any tense stand-offs between myself and Mr Truman, because I'm a gentleman and a scholar as well as a raving blaspheming lunatic. Besides, although I have my share of misgivings on his decisions ("Why is Kutamun such a big wimp?" "Why did he reveal the Gray Ape so early?" "What's with this chronicler business in his King Conan stuff?") there is a lot to like in his adaptations, particularly when some of the changes - gasp! - are actually interesting. Yes, you heard me, I thought some of Truman's changes were something other than terrible, heinous and disrespectful to Howard! What on earth has come over me?

In any case, the subject of Howard in Comics is obviously highly tied to the long and celebrated history of adaptations, from the famous Marvel Conan the Barbarian to the current franchise at Dark Horse, with a gamut of writers and artists adding their interpretations to Howard's works. There have been stories that practically transpose Howard's prose straight onto the page, and others that took a more Hitchcockian approach. From the sublime to the ridiculous, as it were.

Being an aspiring comic artist myself, it seems an appropriate time to turn up to Howard Days with my musings on the medium's relevance to an author who died in 1936.

OH CROM DAMN IT.

CROM DAMN IT ALL.

Universal Pictures has made a deal for The Legend Of Conan, an action film that will star Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his signature roles as Robert E. Howard’s mythic barbarian. The deal brings Conan and Schwarzenegger back to Universal, which released the first film that launched Schwarzenegger’s movie career back in 1982. Universal has world rights on the film.

The film will be produced by Fredrik Malmberg and Chris Morgan. Malmberg is CEO of Paradox Entertainment, which holds the rights to Conan. Morgan is the Universal-based writer and producer whose credits include the last four Fast and the Furious films, along with Wanted and 47 Ronin. Morgan has hatched the story and might write the script. The caveat is that the studio wants The Legend of Conan for summer 2014, and Morgan might not be finished writing the seventh Fast and Furious installment by then. If that happens he will be a very active producer, because this is Morgan’s dream project.

Schwarzenegger starred in two Conan films before moving on to Terminator and other blockbusters as he became the world’s biggest action star. Paradox was involved in a 2011 reboot at Millennium Films that starred Jason Momoa and misfired. Paradox’s Malmberg, who moved the project away from Warner Bros after seven years of development with big name filmmakers because the project was moving too slowly, feels that this is the version of the film that he and everybody else always wanted to see on the screen but couldn’t while Schwarzenegger was Governor of California.

“The original ended with Arnold on the throne as a seasoned warrior, and this is the take of the film we will make,” Malmberg told me. “It’s that Nordic Viking mythic guy who has played the role of king, warrior, soldier and mercenary, and who has bedded more women than anyone, nearing the last cycle of his life. He knows he’ll be going to Valhalla, and wants to go out with a good battle.”

There are no plans for Momoa to return. Morgan said that in his mind, The Legend of Conan not only skips over that film, but also the 1984 sequel that Schwarzenegger starred in. The direct link is to the original, which was directed by John Milius from a script that he wrote with Oliver Stone. That was a testosterone-laced exploration of Howard’s mythology of a child sold into slavery who grows into manhood seeking vengeance against the warlord who slaughtered his family and his village.

“After the original seminal movie, all that came after looked silly to me,” Morgan said. “Robert E. Howard’s mythology and some great philosophy from Nietzsche to Atilla the Hun was layered in the original film. People say, he didn’t speak for the first 20 minutes of the film, but that was calculated in depicting this man who takes control of life with his own hand. This movie picks up Conan where Arnold is now in his life, and we will be able to use the fact that he has aged in this story. I love the property of Conan so much that I wouldn’t touch it unless we came up with something worthy. We think this is a worthy successor to the original film. Think of this as Conan’s Unforgiven.”

Let's go through stages of grief of a Howard fan - not representative of all Howard fans, of course, just one in particular. I'll approximate it through the use of video clips. Then I'll try and give a more level-headed commentary. Emphasis on try. I am so crotchety right now.

Good Scot/Bad Scot: Conan & The Daughters of Midora

So Conan: Daughters of Midora and Other Stories is out, and much like recent Kull, Solomon Kane and The Road of Kings collections, it's a trade paperback I'm not in a particular hurry to purchase, even if it includes a brand new story exclusive to the book. Zach Davisson has a review up, and it's fair to say he and I have rather divergent viewpoints on some aspects of Howard adaptations and pastiches. Case in point, he loved Conan and the Daughters of Midora, the banner story in this collection, which should tell you something about the quality of the pieces therein.* I... Well, I wrote a rather cynical review of it for the fifth issue of my REHupa 'zine. And since the collection's out, it seems timely to dredge it up again.

I should note that this was written in late 2011, so some of the references are a bit dated: I'm not collecting the main Conan title any more, and Savage Sword of REH has started getting on with Howard adaptations.

A Word on Female Fans, Femininity and Fandom

 Yes, this is an actual cover for an actual upcoming monthly for Conan the Barbarian. My thoughts? It's the most amazing troll I've seen since the Darrow cover. Fantastic job, Dark Horse.

I've been holding off on "80 Years of Conan: The Frost-Giant's Daughter" because I've been wrestling with one of the key issues with the story.  I've been conversing with a number of individuals I believe to be more experienced and authoritative in said issue, because while I really don't want to talk about the deeply unpleasant subject, I also think it's important to acknowledge it. In any case, I'll be providing links to places that do talk about it, even if my take is going to be quite limited. However, there's another reason.

"Conan the Existentialist" with Charles Hoffman

Ben's posted up Charles Hoffman's "Conan the Existentialist" panel from Howard Days 2012. While Rusty Burke introduces and contextualises the panel, Chuck was flying solo with this one for the most part.

 

While you'll have to track down a copy of "Conan the Existential" in print media (such as The Barbaric Triumph), Chuck has his own blog with many essays regarding Howard here.

80 Years of Conan: Introduction

I’ve been working on a new character, providing him with a new epoch – the Hyborian Age, which men have forgotten, but which remains in classical names, and distorted myths.
 - Robert E. Howard, letter to H.P. Lovecraft, circa April 1932

2012 marks the eightieth year of Conan the Cimmerian’s presence in the popular consciousness. Following the previous year’s multitude of anniversaries (the Cross Plains Centennial, the 75th of Howard’s death, the 50th of Glenn Lord’s Howard Collector, among others) there is one other notable landmark in the 30th anniversary of John Milius’ Conan the Barbarian. While the cultural significance of the film deigns it worthy of recognition on such a year, the much greater milestone of the character’s first appearance in any medium should not go unnoticed.

And so it shan’t. In the months leading to December, I will be embarking upon a retrospective of all the Conan stories, fragments, synopses and related material of Howard’s most famous son: arguably one of the most recognizable characters in all fantastic literature, almost certainly the most recognizable barbarian in popular media, and one of the pillars of the Sword and Sorcery genre.

No doubt other tributes dedicated to the greater Conan franchise which has exploded over the past eight decades will appear across the internet, and better left to those more adequately versed in the comics, pastiches, films and television series. I’m just going to talk about the stories that started it all.

The Lion Passes

The wails and cries of the kingdom in mourning shook the towers and spires to their foundations. Men-at-arms, knights and barons wrought their hands and screamed to the heavens in anguish; women of the seraglio and serf alike wept into each other's shoulders as they clenched tightly; children and infants mewled with their families, the entire land united in sorrow. The king and his family had returned to the palace, the hearts of the nation shattered as one.

The king was a popular monarch, one loved by peasant and noble alike for his generosity, his courage, and his dedication. His taxes were the lightest in all the world, his patronage of the arts and trades made the kingdom rich and cultured to a degree hitherto unseen. Yet when war came to the doorstep, the King of Poets and Song would transform into a Devil of War and Death, as his blade sang a grisly dirge through the bodies and souls of those who would dare threaten his people. This was an age of empires, and the king was ever ready to ensure that his land would be vassal to none.

The story of how the king came to rule has been told and retold so often, many a child of the kingdom could recite it by heart. Reams of parchment charting the king's early years as a thief, adventurer, mercenary, pirate, bandit and general comprise an entire wing of the Royal Library; minstrels sing sagas of his wars and quests on street corners, some composed by the king himself; frescos and reliefs of his adventures in far-off climes and long-lost ruins adorn city walls, his greatest accomplishments of strength and heroism rendered in marble and bronze statues, re-enactments of his legend performed in street theatre. More than any king the land had ever seen, the present king, called the Lion by many, was a living legend.

In his palace in the capital, the Lion lay dying.

The Great Divide

What Conan Fans and People Who Know How To Use The Internet Know

1932       December       "The Phoenix on the Sword" (Weird Tales)

1933       January           "The Scarlet Citadel" (Weird Tales)

                March            "The Tower of the Elephant" (Weird Tales)

                June               "Black Colossus" (Weird Tales)

                September      "Xuthal of the Dusk" (Weird Tales)

                October          "The Pool of the Black One" (Weird Tales)

1934       January            "Rogues in the House" (Weird Tales)

                April               "Iron Shadows in the Moon" (Weird Tales)

                May                "Queen of the Black Coast" (Weird Tales)

                Augus             "The Devil in Iron" (Weird Tales)

                September      "The People of the Black Circle" (1) (Weird Tales)

                October          "The People of the Black Circle" (2) (Weird Tales)

                November       "The People of the Black Cirlce" (3) (Weird Tales)

                December       "A Witch Shall Be Born" (Weird Tales)

1935       March              "The Servants of Bit-Yakin (Weird Tales)

                May                 "Beyond the Black River" (1) (Weird Tales)

                June                      "Beyond the Black River" (2) (Weird Tales)

                November          "The Man-Eaters of Zamboula" (Weird Tales)

                December           "The Hour of the Dragon" (1) (Weird Tales)

1936       January                "The Hour of the Dragon" (2) (Weird Tales)

                February              "The Hour of the Dragon" (3) (Weird Tales)

                March                   "The Hour of the Dragon" (4) (Weird Tales)

                April                       "The Hour of the Dragon" (5) (Weird Tales)

                July                        "Red Nails" (1) (Weird Tales)

                August                  "Red Nails" (2) (Weird Tales)

                September         "Red Nails" (3) (Weird Tales)

                October               "Red Nails" (4) (Weird Tales)

1938                                       "The Hyborian Age"

1950                                       Conan the Conqueror (Gnome)

1952                                       The Sword of Conan (Gnome)

                                                "The God in the Bowl" (Space Science Fiction)

1953                                       The Coming of Conan (Gnome)

1953                                       King Conan (Gnome)

                                                "The Black Stranger" (Fantasy Magazine)

1954                                       Conan the Barbarian (Gnome)

1955                                       Tales of Conan (Gnome)

1957                                       The Return of Conan (Gnome)

1965                                       "Cimmeria" (The Howard Collector)

1966                                       Conan the Adventurer (Lancer)

1967                                       Conan the Warrior (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Usurper (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Conqueror (Lancer)

                                                "The Vale of Lost Women" (Magazine of Horror)

1968                                       Conan (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Freebooter (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Wanderer (Lancer)

                                                Conan the Adventurer (Lancer)

                                                Conan of the Isles (Lancer)

1969                                       Conan of Cimmeria (Lancer)

1970       October               Conan the Barbarian #1 (Marvel)

1971                                       Conan the Buccaneer (Lancer)

                                                Savage Tales #1 (Marvel, first issue)

1974                                       The People of the Black Circle (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Giant-Size Conan #1 (Marvel)

                August                  The Savage Sword of Conan #1 (Marvel)

1975                                       A Witch Shall Be Born (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Red Nails (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Savage Tales #5 (Marvel, final issue)

                                                Giant-Size Conan #5 (Marvel, final issue)

1976                                       Rogues in the House (Donald M. Grant)

1977                                       Conan of Aquilonia (Lancer)

                August                  The Hour of the Dragon (Berkley)

                September         The People of the Black Circle (Berkley)

                October               Red Nails (Berkley)

1978                                       Queen of the Black Coast (Donald M. Grant)

                August                  Conan the Swordsman (Bantam)

1979                                       Jewels of Gwahlur (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Black Colossus (Donald M. Grant)

                February              Conan the Liberator (Bantam)

                May                       Conan: The Sword of Skelos (Bantam)

                October               Conan: The Road of Kings (Bantam)

1980                                       King Conan #1 (Marvel, first issue)

                July                        Conan the Rebel (Bantam)

                December           Conan and the Spider God (Bantam)

1982       May                       Conan the Barbarian (Universal)

                                                Conan the Barbarian Adaptation (Bantam)

                June                      Conan the Invincible (Tor)

                December           Conan the Defender (Tor)

1983       April                       Conan the Unconquered (Tor)

                October               Conan the Triumphant (Tor)

1984                                       Conan: Hall of Volta (Datasoft)

                May                       Conan the Magnificent (Tor)

                June                      Conan the Destroyer (Universal)

                July                        Conan the Destroyer adaptation (Tor)

                November          Conan the Victorious (Tor)

1985       September         Conan the Victorious (Tor)

1986                                       The Pool of the Black one (Donald M. Grant)

                February              Conan the Fearless (Tor)

                April                       Conan the Renegade (Tor)

                October               Conan the Raider (Tor)

1987       April                       Conan the Champion (Tor)

                October               Conan the Defiant (Tor)

1988       January                Conan the Marauder (Tor)

                March                   Conan the Warlord (Tor)

                October               Conan the Valiant (Tor)

1989                                       The Hour of the Dragon (Donald M. Grant)

                                                Conan (Mindscape)

                                                King Conan #55 (Marvel, final issue)

                February              Conan the Hero (Tor)

                April                       Conan the Bold (Tor)

                                                Conan the Great (Tor)

                October               Conan the Indomitable (Tor)

1990       February              Conan the Freelance (Tor)

                November          Conan the Formidable (Tor)

1991                                       Conan: The Mysteries of Time (Mindscape)

                                                Conan: The Cimmerian (Virgin/Synergistic)

                January                Conan the Guardian (Tor)

                April                       Conan the Outcast (Tor)

                November          Conan the Rogue (Tor)

1992       April                       Conan the Relentless (Tor)

                October               Conan the Adventurer (Jetlag/Sunbow)

                November          Conan the Savage (Tor)

1993       February              Conan of the Red Brotherhood (Tor)

                May                       Conan and the Gods of the Mountain (Tor)

                November          Conan and the Treasure of Python (Tor)

                December           Conan the Barbarian #275 (Marvel, final issue)

1994                                       Conan and the Young Warriors (DiC)

                                                Conan the Adventurer #1 (Marvel)

                January                Conan the Hunter (Tor)

                April                       Conan, Scourge of the Bloody Coast (Tor)

                October               Conan and the Manhunters (Tor)

                November          Conan at the Demon's Gate (Tor)

1995                                       Conan the Adventurer #14 (Marvel)

                                                Conan the Savage #1 (Marvel)

                                                Conan #1 (Marvel, first issue)

                January                Conan and the Gladiator (Tor)

                April                       Conan and the Amazon (Tor)

                July                        The Savage Sword of Conan #235 (Marvel)

                August                  Conan and the Mists of Doom (Tor)

                November          Conan and the Emerald Lotus (Tor)

1996                                       Conan the Savage #10 (Marvel, final issue)

                                                Conan #11 (Marvel, final issue)

                January                Conan and the Shaman's Curse (Tor)

                April                       Lord of the Black River (Tor)

                November          Conan and the Grim Grey God (Tor)

1997       January                Conan and the Death Lords of Thanza (Tor)

                September         Conan: The Adventurer (Keller)

2000       August                  The Conan Chronicles, Volume 1 (Gollancz)

2001                                       Conan: The Road of Kings (Tor)

                                                The Conan Chronicles, Volume 2 (Gollancz)

                October               Conan the Rebel (Tor)

2002                                       Conan and the Spider God (Tor)

                February              Conan: The Sword of Skelos (Tor)

                June                      Conan the Liberator (Tor)

                December           Conan the Swordsman (Tor)

2003                                       Conan of Cimmeria: Volume 1 (Wandering Star)

                                                The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian (Del Rey)

2004                                       Conan of Cimmeria: Volume 2 (Wandering Star)

                                                Conan #1 (Dark Horse, first issue)

                                                Conan: The Dark Axe (TDK Mediactive)

                                                Conan and the Daughters of Midora (Dark Horse)

                January                Sagas of Conan (Tor)

                July                        Conan of Venarium (Tor)

2005                                       Conan of Cimmera: Volume 3 (Wandering Star)

                                                The Bloody Crown of Conan (Del Rey)

                                                The Conquering Sword of Conan (Del Rey)

                                                Conan and the Demons of Khitai (Dark Horse)

                                                Conan and the Midnight God (Dark Horse)

                                                Conan and the Jewels of Gwahlur (Dark Horse)

2006                                       The Complete Chronicles of Conan (Gollancz)

                                                Conan and the Songs of the Dead (Dark Horse)

                                                Conan: The Book of Thoth (Dark Horse)

2007                                       Conan (Nihilistic)

2008                                       Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures (Funcom)

                                                Conan #50 (Dark Horse, final issue)

                                                Conan the Cimmerian #0 (Dark Horse, first issue)

2010                                       Conan: Road of Kings

2011       June                      Conan the Barbarian Novelization (Del Rey)

                July                        Conan the Barbarian (Del Rey)

                August                  Conan the Barbarian (Lionsgate)

"Conan has been done an awful lot in comics, books and video games, but not so much in movies.  With the sheer number of stories that have been told over the years, even for the half-century before the 1982 movie, it's actually quite astonishing that there haven't been more films made."

What The Uninformed Masses and People Who Don't Know How To Use The Internet Know

1982       May                      Conan the Barbarian (Universal)

1984       June                      Conan the Destroyer (Universal)

2011       August                  Conan the Barbarian (Lionsgate)

"OH MY GOD HOLLYWOOD HAS RUN OUT OF IDEAS YOU CAN'T TOP THE ORIGINAL HOW CAN THEY REMAKE CONAN THE BARBARIAN AHNOLD WAS PERFECT THIS IS SACRILEGE BLASPHEMY OUTRAGEOUS"

The Filmgoer's Guide to Conan the Barbarian (1982): Contents

To make things easier to navigate, I'll be using this post to serve as a directory for the Filmgoer's Guide, until I get the Complete Filmgoer's Guide finished.  I've made a start on The Filmgoer's Guide for the 2011 film, and... well, we'll see.

• Introduction
• The Nemedian Chronicles
• Of Swords and Riddles of Steel
• Cimmerian Mythology
• Cimmeria
• The Cimmerians
• Conan's Family
• Conan's Early Life
• The Picts
• Rexor, Thorgrim and the Vanir
• Thulsa Doom
• The Wheel of Pain
• The Cultured Conan
• Conan the Gladiator
• The Intellectual Conan
• Conan the Samurai
• The Philosophical Conan
• The Atlanteans
• The Multilingual Conan
• The Witch
• Subotai and the Hyrkanians
• Zamora
• The Cult of Set
• Black Lotus
• The Tower of the Serpent
• Valeria
• Giant Snakes
• King Osric
• The Mounds of the Dead
• The Wizard
• The Mountain of Power
• Crucifixion
• The Resurrection and the Price
• The Snake Arrow
• The Battle of the Mounds
• Do You Want To Live Forever?
• Children of Doom
• ... But That Is Another Story

If anyone's particularly interested in one of the subjects, I'll see what I can do to fasttrack them.

Conan the Barbarian Review Reviews: Roger Ebert

(Note: you'll notice that I've not been keeping up on the blog. Part of it's stuff for Conan Movie Blog, part of it's the book, another part's getting ready for Cross Plains. And gremlins. As consolation, here's a Review Review I put on the backburner due to its contentious subject matter, but considering I'm pretty sure Ebert's going to do a review of the upcoming Conan film, I figure I may as well.)

Ah, Roger Ebert. Doug Walker, a fan of Siskel & Ebert, has a tribute to the pair which illustrates nicely the nature of the man and his work. While I can appreciate his popularity and contributions to film studies, I'm not a fan. I find that he's too quick to apply a perceived agenda to films, and can be derisive of films not adhering to a script 3-act structure made in the past 50 years. He also tends to make a few factual errors, which is one of those things only nitpickers like myself are really bothered with.

However, nothing bothered me quite as much as his review of Conan the Barbarian. The reasons will be self evident.

I don't really know what to make of this.

So. Huh.

How can a film's main character have no character development when the film is a Bildungsroman, which is - practically by definition - about a child developing into an adult?

How can one be a fan of Mako, and yet be incapable of correctly pronouncing his name?

And, most pertinently, is it possible to review Conan the Barbarian without resorting to gay jokes?