Stewart Lee's Redemption... Sort of

You may remember I gave Stewart Lee a tough time of it a while back, which amounted to a hill of beans. Well, I have good (Scot) news and bad (Scot) news.

Good news: Stewart Lee's published an article on Robert E. Howard.

Bad news: Stewart Lee's published an article on Robert E. Howard.

The Lion Passes

The wails and cries of the kingdom in mourning shook the towers and spires to their foundations. Men-at-arms, knights and barons wrought their hands and screamed to the heavens in anguish; women of the seraglio and serf alike wept into each other's shoulders as they clenched tightly; children and infants mewled with their families, the entire land united in sorrow. The king and his family had returned to the palace, the hearts of the nation shattered as one.

The king was a popular monarch, one loved by peasant and noble alike for his generosity, his courage, and his dedication. His taxes were the lightest in all the world, his patronage of the arts and trades made the kingdom rich and cultured to a degree hitherto unseen. Yet when war came to the doorstep, the King of Poets and Song would transform into a Devil of War and Death, as his blade sang a grisly dirge through the bodies and souls of those who would dare threaten his people. This was an age of empires, and the king was ever ready to ensure that his land would be vassal to none.

The story of how the king came to rule has been told and retold so often, many a child of the kingdom could recite it by heart. Reams of parchment charting the king's early years as a thief, adventurer, mercenary, pirate, bandit and general comprise an entire wing of the Royal Library; minstrels sing sagas of his wars and quests on street corners, some composed by the king himself; frescos and reliefs of his adventures in far-off climes and long-lost ruins adorn city walls, his greatest accomplishments of strength and heroism rendered in marble and bronze statues, re-enactments of his legend performed in street theatre. More than any king the land had ever seen, the present king, called the Lion by many, was a living legend.

In his palace in the capital, the Lion lay dying.

An Urgent Appeal (Well, not *Urgent* but you know what I mean)

Things are heating up. I have a couple of projects going, and with the release of "Conan" being announced, at least one of them now has a set date.  However, I have one thing to ask, and it is linked to the Newcomer's Guide as well as The Secret Thing.

I'm looking for all the different permutations of Conan's "origin" story, and who can be credited for them.

Obviously, we have REH's as revealed in the P.S. Miller letter, but in addition...

 - Stone & Milius' for Conan the Barbarian, where Conan's parents are murdered by Thulsa Doom, his village is destroyed, he is sold into slavery, and pushes a wheel for 20 years

 - Harry Turtledove's for Conan of Venarium, where Conan's home has been conquered by Aquilonia and Conan leads the rebellion

 - Christy Marx's for Conan the Adventurer, where Conan's parents and grandfather are turned to stone by Wrath-Amon, and he embarks on a quest to restore them and defeat Wrath-Amon with his marvellous star metal sword along with his trusty sidekicks

 - Michael Higgins' for Conan the Barbarian #235, where Venarium is a hyper-futuristic city destroyed by sorcery

 - From the Conan the Cimmerian game, where Conan was living happily as a blacksmith with his wife in the sleepy village of Irskuld, until a group of horsemen under the command of Thoth-Amon raid the village, knock Conan out, murder his wife, butcher his friends, and ride away

 -  Dennis Richard & Charles Henry Fabian's for the Conan series, where Conan's homeland is enslaved by Hissah-Zuhl

 - Busiek's for "Born on the Battlefield," the only one that actually starts with REH's letter as a basis, albeit also making Conan a Chosen One responsible for the Aquilonian invasion

 - Doppenheimer's for "Conan,"where "Conan's" father is slain by Khalar Zym, his village is destroyed, and he manages to escape to embark on a life of vengeance/faffs about the Hyborian Age without really caring about the dude who wiped out his people until he comes across him years later

Have I missed any?

Conan Continuity Conundrum

The above graphic shows all the different continuities within Transformers fiction.  As you can see, it's a mite complicated: there are quite literally dozens of different universes all coalescing, coexisting and frequently conflicting with each other.

This got me to consider the state of Conan.  As we all know, there are dozens of Conan continuities out there, with many relations and conflicts with each other.  Depending on which continuity you're talking, Conan's parents are either alive or dead (or turned to stone) and the age of Conan at the time of their deaths can be different.  Even their names can be multiple choice.

Thus, I feel it might be helpful to create a "Conan Multiverse" system for future reference.

So far, I think I have the following.

Literature
Robert E. Howard Stories
Lancer/Ace Pastiches
Bantam Pastiches (includes REH/Lancer/Ace)
Tor Pastiches (includes REH/Lancer/Ace)

Comics
Conan the Barbarian Comics
"What If" (each comic occupies its own universe)
Savage Sword of Conan Comics
Conan Newspaper Comics
Conan the Adventurer
Conan (1996)
Conan the Savage
Conan the Barbarian Movie Special
Conan Dark Horse Comics

Cinema & Television
Conan the Barbarian
Conan the Destroyer (because CtD is often ignored, and would be ignored by Milius for King Conan, I feel it might be considered a "branching" continuity from Conan the Barbarian)
Red Sonja (assuming that Kalidor is in fact an assumed name for Conan, just for fun)
Conan
Conan the Adventurer - Animated
Conan & the Young Warriors
Conan the Adventurer - Live Action

Video Games
Conan: Hall of Volta
Conan: The Mysteries of Time
Conan the Cimmerian
Conan: The Dark Axe
Conan
Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures

There are some things I'm unclear on, such as the Marvel graphic novels, the Conan the Barbarian miniseries, and Giant-Sized Conan - do they occupy their own universes, or should they be considered extension of the existing Marvel comics? There's also the matter of a universe drawing on two disparate ones: Conan the Adventurer, for instance, draws upon the comics and the films.

If any of the chaps with more knowledge of the lesser-known Conan universe, let me know!

Conan the Barbarian: A work of comic genius.

It's all so clear to me now. Conan the Barbarian is a comedy.

Sure, it has measures of profundity and some very serious and tragic elements, but upon my most recent viewing I've come to the conclusion that there is a lot of humour in Conan the Barbarian - and I believe most of it to be intentional.  Sure, you have the alleged "camp" elements and occasional special effects mishaps, but I never really noticed just how much comic material there is in the film.

Rewatching Conan the Barbarian again, I couldn't help but notice little things.  Sometimes it's a reference, sometimes it's a simple gag, and other times it's an attempt to make the world more "real."  I love Cobb's production design (even if it is more early/post Hyborian than the age of Conan, in my opinion) and there are so many elements that leap out at me. Some of these things are utterly hilarious.

Almuric... 2!?!

I'm really enthused to be name-dropped... well, anywhere.  Makes me feel all important-like.  Over at Black Gate, Tom Doolan talks about Almuric, and mentions the introduction to my series.  It occured to me that I haven't done anything on Almuric in months.  Nor have I continued the Gazetteer, Barbarians of Middle-earth, Frazetta & Howard, or The Land That Time Forgot.  Have to do something about that.

However, Tom drops an absolute bombshell late in the article:

Of significant note to fans, a sequel titled Almuric: Lost Gods is being written for release later this year by Mark Ellis, a prolific adventure writer who has contributed numerous additions to the Outlanders and Deathlands series from Gold Eagle.

A sequel to Almuric?

Well, this certainly explains his Conan pastiches.

Suddenly I have the overwhelming urge to write a new crossover: Conan vs the Street Sharks...

I haven't read any of Steve Perry's pastiches.  Nearly everyone I've talked to has told me to avoid, avoid, avoid - even those who like the pastiches. They appear to be for Conan completists only.  Still, this was a long time ago, so I assumed that Perry's dalliance with Conan was a relic of the past.  Until I came across this.

I'm unsure if this is the same Steve Perry who brought us such masterpieces as Conan the Fearless, Conan the Defiant, Conan the Indomitable, Conan the Freelance and Conan the Formidable, but if it is, then it's truly illuminating.

Et tu, Alan?

I'm rather sad now.

I kind of got the impression that Alan Moore wouldn't have liked Robert E. Howard.  Moore, for all his undoubted genius and coolness, was one of those people would've been likely taken in by the myths and misconceptions regarding Conan's creator that were riddling the world 25 years ago.  This was the age of Dark Valley Destiny, after all - and just a year after the appearance of Conan the Barbarian in cinemas. 

Pastiches 'R' Us: Ryan Harvey Inadvertently Destroys De Camp

Full confession time: I haven't read Conan of the Isles.  I have, however, read Roy Thomas' adaptations of various De Camp/Carter pastiches in the recent Marvel reprints courtesy of Dark Horse, and from what I can gather, Thomas was - unfortunately - as faithful to De Camp as he was to Howard. Admirable on Thomas' part, but leads to a lot of infuriated spluttering on my part. Like Conan the Liberator. To hell with that.

King Conan Volume 1

I... am confused.

KING CONAN VOLUME 1
Written by Roy Thomas, art by John Buscema and Ernie Chan.
Conan is king! Join Conan, king of Aquilonia, his queen Zenobia, and their son Conn in this comics adaptation of L. Sprague de Camp, Lin Carter, and Bjorn Nyberg's stories "The Witch of the Mists," "Black Sphinx of Nebthu," "Red Moon of Zembabwei," "Shadows in the Skull," and "The Ring of Rakhamon"!
King Conan collects issues #1 through #5 of the early '80s series originally published by Marvel Comics.
King Conan is based on a series of five short stories by Robert E. Howard, originally published in Weird Tales.
192 pages, $17.99, in stores on August 25.

So... wait. Howard only wrote three King Conan stories. What are the other two? If they're referring to the five stories they mention, then... how did they miss "L. Sprague De Camp, Bjorn Nyberg and Lin Carter's stories" right there? One paragraph above?

I hope they change that sentence. Something like "King Conan is based on the stories by Robert E. Howard, originally published in Weird Tales." Or some such. Something that doesn't directly contradict the previous paragraph.

Then again, I'm not particularly interested in this collection. No Howard, and I resolved never to read another De Camp Conan after the astonishingly horrible Conan the Liberator. I cannot tell you how much I hated that "novel."

Triangulation: KHALAAAR, Pastichery, and No, not Ron Perlman!

Not that much today, damn distracting internet.

Anyway... Tuesday confirms my disappointment that Stephen Lang is playing Khalar Singh. It's just not fair damn it. This film can't win for me, though: if they cast a bad actor, it just makes the film worse, but if they cast a good actor, then they're wasting their talent. I'm sure some would consider that really fannish of me, but frankly I couldn't care less at this point.

Friday I put in my two pennies about Charles R. Saunders' review of Conan the Hero. I love allegories, but only when they're self-contained and don't muck up a universe. Animal Farm is perfect, for example. It's when they try to force it into an existing property that gets my hackles up. Hence how I dislike Conan the Hero: trying to do more than typical save-the-girl-steal-the-treasure-kill-the-monster-defeat-the-sorcerer subplot does get a little appreciation from me, but not when it's instead used for a painful, heavy-handed and unsubtle allegory. Sorry, Lenny: if you wanted to do a Vietnam war allegory, do your own story. Leave it out of Conan. If you can't, then at least try and find a way to make it more universal and "applicable," as I note Howard and Tolkien were infinitely superior craftsmen in every way.

Saturday and my heart is broken again, as Ron Perlman is Corin. I blame myself, frankly. I noted back when Rourke was rumoured, I hoped that he wouldn't be tainted with this project; if he had to choose between this and War of the Gods, the latter looked a much less damaging project. I got my wish, but in the manner of those most insidious genies and the very cruelest of Outer Limits and Twilight Zone episodes, it was at a cost far greater than I imagined. Instead of Rourke, an actor I'm fairly impressed by, it is Ron Perlman, one of my very favourite character actors, who gets cast in the role. Damn you, Lionsgate! Damn you to Hades!

Also something on Rose McGowan possibly being Marique (what kind of Hyborian name is that!?!) but I'm so annoyed at Ron's casting I can't even care.

Graaah. I need something to calm me down.



Aww. Look at that little guy. I can feel the urge to kill dropping... dropping... RISING... dropping... dropping... gone. Aaaaah.