What do you mean, you don't remember the bit in the book where Bard steers a rickety wagon down a street, over his children, and crashes into a troll?
It might surprise you to learn that I actually enjoyed The Hobbit: The Official Movie of the Game, and quite a great deal, too.
After so many years, I've finally found my zone when it comes to them: I
treat them much as I'd treat any ridiculous over-the-top blockbuster,
which is to say, poke fun mercilessly and complain about how it wasn't
like the books. I don't see why that should be such a controversial
option, it's the internet, after all.
Because I need closure, a series of vignettes from that game's final session. And boy, does this film feel less like an adaptation and more like an RPG gone horribly, horribly wrong.
This lady appears for less than 10 seconds in the film, yet she is by far the most interesting character in the entire ensemble.
I went to see The Hobbit: The Disenfranchisement of Smaug. I cannot really say anything I didn't already say about the first one. What follows is a snippet of one of the strange mental gymnastic routines that happens to me when thinking about justifying narrative issues.
Scene: a group of friends are playing a tabletop role-playing game, not unlike Dungeons & Dragons. There is Pete (the Dungeon Master), Ian (a Wizard), Eva (an Elf), John (a Dwarf), Vickie (a Ranger), and Fran (a Hobbit). Their game is very loosely based on The Hobbit, where the DM has decided to make a few changes for the sake of inclusion and to keep the group's interest. Everything in italics is "in character," with breaks in character denoted by normal text.
DM: You now take in the sights around you, shaking the fish-slime from your eyes. An eclectic and unusual town stretches beyond. It is not built on the shore, though there are a few huts and buildings there, but right out on the surface of the lake, protected from the swirl of the entering river by a promontory of rock which forms a calm bay. A great bridge made of wood ran out to where on huge piles made of forest trees was built a busy wooden town, not a town of elves but of Men, who still dared to dwell here under the shadow of the distant dragon-mountain. They still throve on the trade that came up the great river from the South and was carted past the falls to their town; but in the great days of old, when Dale in the North was rich and prosperous, they had been wealthy and powerful, and there had been fleets of boats on the waters, and some were filled with gold and some with warriors in armour, and there had been wars and deeds which were now only a legend. The rotting piles of a greater town could still be seen along the shores when the waters sank in a drought. Among the townsfolk you see strange people
unlike any you've seen in Bree - men with dark beards and unusual
garb, ladies with strange eyes and silken hair, a woman with the darkest skin you've ever seen on a human -
The Wizard: Where did they come from?
DM: (Sighs) Is this going to be a problem for you, Ian?
The Wizard: Is what going to be a problem?
(The rest of the group sighs and mutters, knowing what's coming next)
I discussed this company once before, but The Asylum's latest scheme has moved me to briefly comment.
See, this could be just another mockbuster: a shameless, trite, creatively barren facsimile of a blockbuster film which will undoubtedly gain promotion - whether it be through honest confusion by the well-meaning but less knowledgeable, or the kitsch appeal which lures aficionados of camp as a pile of refuse draws clouds of flies* - and thus can be safely savaged or ignored.
But this film aims to be something more... and I feel like such a tremendous hypocrite, because this makes it even worse.
See, I loved The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring when it came out. I was just so blown away to see an adaptation that actually stuck to the books to a degree most supposed adaptations dismiss as "unnecessary," "unfilmable" or otherwise "undesireable," that I ranted and raved about it for ages. Then The Two Towers came out, and I started to pick at the threads. I started to become bothered by the changes. By the time of The Return of the King, most of my enthusiasm for the franchise was replaced with a nagging preoccupation with a little voice saying "no, this isn't the best possible adaptation of The Lord of the Rings we could hope for." Best we could get given Hollywood's boundless stupidity and soulless money-oriented goals? Perhaps. Best we could hope for, though?
So the trailer for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Two Parter hit the 'net, and the Tolkien fandom rejoiced. And why not? Everything I saw in the Lord of the Rings film trilogy was plain in evidence, in all the good and bad it entails. Lots of gorgeous scenery, astounding attention to detail in the costuming, props and sets, sweeping catchy orchestral score, the occasional direct quote from Tolkien that gets me grinning madly, tempered by maudlin melodrama like Galadriel brushing away Gandalf's hair, lots of cod-Bergman staring-into-the-middle-distance, and needless tie-ins to the previous films.
I just feel like such a Grinch, you know? So many people are looking forward to this, and I'm almost positive that those people are not going to be disappointed. Everything from the Jackson trilogy is probably going to be in this, and while everyone dismisses the stupid alterations and redundant additions as "necessary to the process of adaptation" while they enjoy themselves, I'm just going to be stuck in a huff. There are few upcoming films I wish I could be excited about. I wish I could watch a trailer for The freaking Hobbit and feel the same convulsions of joy I did on seeing, say, the trailer for Jurassic Park. But I can't.
To be frank, I'm feeling something of a malaise. I haven't seen a single trailer that engenders any degree of enthusiasm or excitement in me for any upcoming film, be it anticipated blockbusters like The Avengers or The Dark Knight Rises, appeals to my Scottish sensibilities like Brave, or pleasant surprises like The Wicker Tree. Even the initial "that doesn't actually look that bad" optimism from John Carter and Wrath of the Titans (I'm surprised as you are) is dampened by cynicism. Have I truly become a cynical old grump at last? Did Conan the Barbarian break something in my brain, shorting the Optimism fuse for ever? Or will the anticipated Prometheus trailer restore some sense of excitement?
"Farewell, Balin!" he said; "and farewell, Dwalin; and farewell Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur and Bombur! May your beards never grow thin!"
- Bilbo, The Hobbit, Chapter 18, "The Return Journey"
I've made a concerted effort not to talk about the recent character reveals from the upcoming Hobbit film adaptations, mostly because I couldn't really think of anything to say at the time. Everything I suspected would happen has happened: when they do it right, they do it brilliantly, but when they do it wrong, it looks preposterous. Just like the adaptations of The Lord of the Rings.
Still, now that we've seen all thirteen dwarves, I might as well comment on them, based on my observations.
No, don't run away: I have praise as well as criticisms. I'm as surprised as you are!
Ten years ago, Orlando Bloom created an iconic character with his portrayal of Legolas. I’m excited to announce today that we’ll be revisiting Middle Earth with him once more. I’m thrilled to be working with Orlando again. Funny thing is, I look older—and he doesn’t! I guess that’s why he makes such a wonderful elf.
And of course, thenewssitesact as if this is some impossible-to-foresee event, that Tolkien purists will only now be outraged. As if Tolkien fans were fine with everything up to this point.
Only now.
Again, this is from the people who:
- Added entire sequences from whole cloth
- Rendered Sauron as a floating eyeball
- Made Aragorn renounce his kingship so he can Go On A Journey
- Cut out Glorfindel and replaced his role with Arwen
- Invented an entire secondary antagonist only for Aragorn to kill him
- Rearranged the entire plot structure of the middle third
- Put Elves in Helm's Deep
- Have Frodo dismiss Sam and Sam abandon Frodo
- Completely warped Faramir, Denethor, Theoden and others
- Have the Oathbreakers save the day in the most contrived way possible
- And much, much more
And in the upcoming film already:
- Are expanding a self-contained single story into a two-parter using supplementary material
- Have invented a peppy female elf warrior
- Have already stuck in Saruman, Galadriel and Radagast despite them not appearing in the book
Really, any Tolkien purists who are only now starting to get the idea that they might have problems with the upcoming film have no sympathy from me. The idea that all the many divergences from the stories were perfectly alright, but inserting Orlando Bloom - no, that's a step too far.
I really doubt there are any Tolkien purists thinking that, though: more likely the media just seems to imagine their own things. After all, fantasy fans are still easy targets. The Lord of the Rings trilogy may be among the most Oscar-blessed films in history, The Harry Potter series may be among the highest-earning series, and A Game of Thrones may be one of the most popular TV shows in recent years, but heaven help the guys who still read those musty old tomes. They're still fair game.
I truly don't foresee The Hobbit films being substantially different from the trilogy. They're going to get some things pitch-perfect, they're going to do some things very well, they're going to do some things that aren't in the book but work well in context, and they're going to do some things that have Tolkien fans tearing their hair out. Orlando Bloom's Legolas isn't going to doom or save this film: it's fate has already been sealed in the minds of Tolkien fans, for good or ill.
"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
- Harlan Ellison
No sooner do I have my say about the useless media coverage around A Game of Thrones, then Cimmerian Shield Wall alum Brian Murphy has a comprehensive round-up of some of the absolute worst, some of which I was going to comment on, but then I realised Brian did more in his swift dismissal than I could. Especially since most, like that utterly odious piece from The Guardian (that old Bête Noire) which I hated the most for its attempt to come off as so very mature that ends up doing the very opposite, aren't even worth the effort of point-by-point disintegration.
On the one hand, to Hades with Itaril. I already commented on this horrible character, but I just ask you to look at the description in its entirety:
ITARIL – female, A woodland Elf, this character is one the Silvan Elves. The Silvan Elves are seen as more earthy and practical. Shorter than other elves, she is still quick and lithe and physically adept, being able to fight with both sword and bow. Showing promise as a fighter at a young age, ITARIL was chosen to train to become part of the Woodland King’s Guard. This is the only life she has ever expected to live, until she meets and secretly falls in love with a young ELF LORD. This role will require a wig and contact lenses to be worn. Some prosthetic make-up may also be required. LEAD. AGE: 17-27.
This is Jackson/Walsh/Boyens fan fiction, pure and simple. For crying out loud, could this be any worse of an awful fan insert? I fully expect Arwen Mark II: a girl who's underestimated by The Man, yet manages to show more pluck and competence than half the men around her. Bonus points if her love with the Hot Young Elf Lord is looked down upon by her domineering, curmudgeonly father.
On the other hand... I really love Saoirse Ronan, even though I've only seen her in two films: City of Ember (an extremely underrated and under-watched post-apocalyptic film) and Atonement. I was struck by how accomplished and beguiling a young actress she was, far better than I was expecting. She's simply amazing, and I see her destined for greatness as an adult. I really must try to catch The Lovely Bones, and, depressingly, I think I just missed The Way Back in the cinemas. Anyone know a cinema still showing it in Scotland? Anyone at all?
All said and done, if there's any young actress who could get me to grit my teeth through the nonsense of Itaril, then Saoirse may well be the one to do it. Now, if only they could get Ron Perlman for Beorn...
Quite how Frodo will fit in this version of The Hobbit is unclear, though at a guess, I'd suppose it would be in the form of a framing device. Jackson & co aren't thick enough to cast Frodo in the main story, so it must be that way. Perhaps it'll merely be in the form of a prologue/epilogue, or they'll go with a Princess Bride riff, snapping back to Frodo & Bilbo chatting throughout the two films.
It seems clear that Jackson wants to fit in as many of the characters from The Lord of the Rings as possible, so I fully expect to see lil' Aragorn too. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a scene with the whole Fellowship at some point, using cut footage of Gimli to stick him in without putting John Rhys-Davies through the makeup process again. Either that, or they'll give him digital makeup a la Gollum.
Speaking of Gollum, Andy Serkis has also been confirmed. I don't think there was any jeopardy of him not reprising his role. It looked troublesome for Ian McKellan, but he's confirmed too, and the fandom rejoiced, since even if you didn't take to his interpretation of Gandalf (though I'm fully aware I'm in the vast minority on that score), it would be ludicrous to follow up with a different actor. Ian Holm and Christopher Lee are still in talks, and I'd dearly love to see more of Lee's Saruman in The Hobbit, especially since he's playing a hero for once. Then again, considering how painfully unsubtle Jackson is, we'll probably have "hints" of Saruman's fall from grace with the nuance of a freefalling fire extinguisher sprinkled through the film.
I regret to note that Balin, my favourite Dwarf, has been cast, and it is not Brian Blessed. Instead, it's Ken Stott - a decision I find highly intriguing, and one I'm actually warming to. I really like his work on Rebus, Messiah, and his many guest roles, so to see him take the role of Balin is actually a move that I don't mind. Indeed, of all my problems with The Lord of the Rings adaptations, the casting (outside of Frodo being too young and Aragorn just not being "right") has been pretty solid. I still don't have any expectations for the films, but I can't deny I like some choices.
Still hate Itaril and her boyfriend. Dammit, Jackson/Walsh/Boyens, get a hold of yourselves!
