Saturday, 12 March 2011

Watch, as Al Descends Into Madness



I don't think I can really talk about the new Conan teaser in any more fairness - or, rather, extreme generosity - than I did on Conan Movie Blog.  I'll probably just descend into gibbering paroxysms, blaspheming cacophonously, screaming words over and over with seemingly no rhyme or reason.  DREADLOCKS!  TEETH!  TATTOOS!  MANGLED!  STILLS!  SYNCH!  INCEPTION!  FACEBOOK!  SWORD!  DELIVERY!  EYEBROWS!  MUMMIES!  BLASPHEMY!

And the fanboys all nod, dripping globules of schadenfreude from their grinning teeth, chanting "We told you.  We told you.  We told you they could never remake Conan the Barbarian.  Didn't we tell you?  Didn't we tell you?"

I rage against the horde, bellowing out more words and phrases.  HOWARD!  THIRTY-TWO!  PULP!  CROSS PLAINS!  EIGHTY!  WEIRD TALES!  LANCERS!  COMICS!  FRAZETTA!

I bash against the cyclopean figures, tall and vast as the basalt pillars of Fingal's Cave, the futility and despair strangling me like a noose.  Still they smile.  Still they chant.  "Milius was right.  Milius was faithful.  Milius was true.  Milius was once, future and forever.  There is none but Milius.  Milius is Conan.  Stone is Conan.  Arnold is Conan."

I scream.  No words come out.  No articulation.  Just roars and bellows, and when my throat fails, rasps and whispers.  I beat the ground with my fists, my elbows, my head.  Exhausted, I slump to the ground.

I see a figure emerge from the congregation of the Milius faithful.  He is tall, strongly built, muscular.  His muscles bulge under his skin like watermelons in a straining burlap sack.  He is smiling.  There is a gap between his teeth.  His chin is strong and proud.  He knees down as I stare, dumbly.

"You weell nevah be free.  Aye am Konahn.  Konayn is aye.  Deny eet ahll you wahnt.  You knoar eet too bee truw.  Konahn ant Ahnuld ah connecteed bay pap calturahl ahsmoarsees ant smoarl rehfehrehnce puls.  Wee cannatt bee sepahrated.  Konahn weell nevah be free, foar een dee ayes oarf der peepul, aye ahm he."

He rises.

"Waht a wayste.  Cahnteemplayte dees oarn der Tree uff Woar."

18 comments:

  1. The gobernor of California IN PERSON si torturing you? What an honour!

    I only hope Mark Finn will rescue you in time from the crucifixion ;)

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  2. Your trailer upload seems to be the first of its kind on Youtube. Cool, but also not cool on Lionsgate's part since you shouldn't have to do their work for them.

    The last few seconds aren't showing for me, there's a sound at around 0:48 and the video atops, though the timer keeps going. Could be something wrong on my end though.

    Many of the "Conan '82 people" probably won't even have Milius in mind. Just Arnold. Also here are some choice quotes from Ain't It Cool News:

    As an unabashed Conan fan, this completely underwhelms me.

    Conan! What is best in life?

    Crush you enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of the women!

    I live, I love, I slay and I am content?

    What IS this?

    ---
    I live. I love. I slay... Makes me want to make fun of it, not worship it. Seems obviously trying to compete with the ultimate man-credo, "What is best in life?"

    Oh man, oh God etc. But this just shows using a Howard line as a tag-line is certainly in the right direction. As those posters correctly feel, it's directly challenging the ol' Genghis Khan quote.

    The trailer itself did leave me a bit underwhelmed though. I hoped the new film would have actual sword stances in place of flashy, showy sword posing. But that's what people expect, isn't it? But I think Momoa has the voice for the role.

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  3. "You kilt my franchise! You kilt my fanbase! You used my fathers sword...Agh,ugh,agh!!!"
    -Steve Schwarze Dilks

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  4. If anything, this steaming pile might make Arnie Conan look better.

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  5. My comment on Youtube (in case the schmucks from Lionsgate have it yanked)...
    ******

    I shall now say the sooth...

    This cinematic pile of Lionsgate turds is gonna suck wet farts from dead pigeons.

    It will achieve such a quantum-level of suckiness that physicists, for decades to come, will be writing about it, and holding symposiums on it, as they cast out their now-obsolete views and re-think the magnitude of the Suckverse.
    ******

    Tex
    (reminding you all of the five sweetest words in the English language--See, I told you so)

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  6. Now we have to get Al off the tree of Woe again. I'll get the pliers. Somebody get some band-aids.

    (Seriously though, I'm with you. If this movie sucks as bad as we fear, it's Arnold forever. Yeesh.)

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  7. Yeah, this will further cement Arnie and Big John into larger cult status than they truly deserve. The writing is on the wall with this one- a remake is a remake. Theres too many Milius refernces in this for them to be seriously considering a franchise. They have gone the safer route of nostalgia. Its all so low grade.

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  8. The gobernor of California IN PERSON si torturing you? What an honour!

    I'm reading that in Zoidberg's voice. It eases the pain of this... film.

    The last few seconds aren't showing for me, there's a sound at around 0:48 and the video atops, though the timer keeps going. Could be something wrong on my end though.

    Everything's fine my end. Perhaps Youtube has a problem with it. (You aren't missing much.)

    The quotes initially made me so ticked off I had to go and kill some helpless souls in a videogame. Ever got the desire to reach into a monitor and strangle the Internet?

    "You kilt my franchise! You kilt my fanbase! You used my fathers sword...Agh,ugh,agh!!!"

    Ho ho.

    If anything, this steaming pile might make Arnie Conan look better.

    That is precisely my greatest fear: that people will view ANY Conan film as intrinsically inferior to "the original." RAR.

    (reminding you all of the five sweetest words in the English language--See, I told you so)

    Bittersweet for me.

    Now we have to get Al off the tree of Woe again. I'll get the pliers. Somebody get some band-aids.

    Honestly, I've been nailed up there so often I'm practically used to it. "Always look on the bright side of life... Dee-do, do-do do-do dee-do..."

    The writing is on the wall with this one- a remake is a remake. Theres too many Milius refernces in this for them to be seriously considering a franchise. They have gone the safer route of nostalgia. Its all so low grade.

    And, of course, this is just going to further alienate the Milius fans lamenting the lack of Thulsa Doom, Valeria, Subotai, the Wizard et al.

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  9. A spin move while sword fighting is in this trailer, and therefore movie.

    Very disappointing.

    I am hoping the rest is cool. Hoping.

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  10. At the risk of being labelled a Pollyanna, it may not be that bad.

    At least Momoa's one line echoes Howard's words from QUEEN OF THE BLACK COAST. Okay they've been dummed down a bit. Well... a lot, really.

    And this is just a tease. They've got nothing to show. It hasn't even been put together. They're just trrying to crate buzz.

    Besides, never mind the idiot gibbering masses, you know that eventually some film reviewer who think he's smarter than all of us is going to say that they just don't buy Conan without the Austrian accent. You know it's going to happen. You know people are stupid. I've told you that.

    But, honestly, Al, give it a chance. It may not be that bad.

    Or maybe it will be. I don't know, but will it erase one word of Howard's lexicon? No. In the end it will all be meaningless. The dust will settle, the 3D spectacle will end and go to DVD and end up as a $5.00 special in the remainder bin, and Robert E. Howard will still be there, his words intact for another generation of readers to discover.

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  11. A spin move while sword fighting is in this trailer, and therefore movie.

    Another nod to the 1982 movie, methinks.

    At the risk of being labelled a Pollyanna, it may not be that bad.

    There is no way on earth or heaven it could be as bad as Kull or the tv series. Of this, I am positive. Normally I go by the "it could always be worse" maxim, but I draw the line here. If this film manages to outdo Kullvin and Moellan, it'll be something of a miracle.

    Besides, never mind the idiot gibbering masses, you know that eventually some film reviewer who think he's smarter than all of us is going to say that they just don't buy Conan without the Austrian accent. You know it's going to happen. You know people are stupid. I've told you that.

    But there's so many. So... many... *shivers, rocks back and forth*

    No, after the initial wave of madness I've gotten over it a bit. Indeed, I'm posting an essay on the importance of Conan's blue eyes: it should be up this week or thereabouts. Better to be productive.

    Or maybe it will be. I don't know, but will it erase one word of Howard's lexicon? No. In the end it will all be meaningless. The dust will settle, the 3D spectacle will end and go to DVD and end up as a $5.00 special in the remainder bin, and Robert E. Howard will still be there, his words intact for another generation of readers to discover.

    Damn right, but all the same, I can only lament the number of people who see the film, think "huh, Howard's work can't be that great," and never pick up a story. That's what ails me most of all.

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  12. As an aside, I deeply appreciate Pollyannas. Hell, "Conan the Rehash" ended up a Pollyanna address, seeing the light in a dire situation. So thanks, MD, I needed reminding of that.

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  13. I think I agree with a comment I read on a movie website - this isn't a teaser trailer so much as a PowerPoint presentation, and not even a good one.

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  14. frames, images from the shooting, photos of Jason Momoa and now this make me think this film will be a mix of Hercules, the legendary journeys or Xena, the warrior princess with Deathstalker

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  15. I think I agree with a comment I read on a movie website - this isn't a teaser trailer so much as a PowerPoint presentation, and not even a good one.

    That is very apt!

    frames, images from the shooting, photos of Jason Momoa and now this make me think this film will be a mix of Hercules, the legendary journeys or Xena, the warrior princess with Deathstalker

    I'm a fan of Hercules & Xena (sometimes): they're fun shows for what they are. I just don't want it anywhere near Conan. Same reason I don't want my lasagne mixed up with peppermint cordial: two things I enjoy don't necessarily go together.

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  16. Gratitude is the sign of noble souls.

    generic cialis

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  17. GAH! Yet another gorramned spambot.

    Tex
    (sick Momo onto it)

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