Saturday, 12 March 2011
Watch, as Al Descends Into Madness
I don't think I can really talk about the new Conan teaser in any more fairness - or, rather, extreme generosity - than I did on Conan Movie Blog. I'll probably just descend into gibbering paroxysms, blaspheming cacophonously, screaming words over and over with seemingly no rhyme or reason. DREADLOCKS! TEETH! TATTOOS! MANGLED! STILLS! SYNCH! INCEPTION! FACEBOOK! SWORD! DELIVERY! EYEBROWS! MUMMIES! BLASPHEMY!
And the fanboys all nod, dripping globules of schadenfreude from their grinning teeth, chanting "We told you. We told you. We told you they could never remake Conan the Barbarian. Didn't we tell you? Didn't we tell you?"
I rage against the horde, bellowing out more words and phrases. HOWARD! THIRTY-TWO! PULP! CROSS PLAINS! EIGHTY! WEIRD TALES! LANCERS! COMICS! FRAZETTA!
I bash against the cyclopean figures, tall and vast as the basalt pillars of Fingal's Cave, the futility and despair strangling me like a noose. Still they smile. Still they chant. "Milius was right. Milius was faithful. Milius was true. Milius was once, future and forever. There is none but Milius. Milius is Conan. Stone is Conan. Arnold is Conan."
I scream. No words come out. No articulation. Just roars and bellows, and when my throat fails, rasps and whispers. I beat the ground with my fists, my elbows, my head. Exhausted, I slump to the ground.
I see a figure emerge from the congregation of the Milius faithful. He is tall, strongly built, muscular. His muscles bulge under his skin like watermelons in a straining burlap sack. He is smiling. There is a gap between his teeth. His chin is strong and proud. He knees down as I stare, dumbly.
"You weell nevah be free. Aye am Konahn. Konayn is aye. Deny eet ahll you wahnt. You knoar eet too bee truw. Konahn ant Ahnuld ah connecteed bay pap calturahl ahsmoarsees ant smoarl rehfehrehnce puls. Wee cannatt bee sepahrated. Konahn weell nevah be free, foar een dee ayes oarf der peepul, aye ahm he."
"Waht a wayste. Cahnteemplayte dees oarn der Tree uff Woar."