Triangulation: Mo-Mo is Coco

(Apparently, a momo is a traditional Tibetan dumpling, which is a delightful coincidence, since I've taken to calling Momoa "Mo-Mo." Thanks, Taran!)

As if I didn't have enough reasons to be annoyed at myself, I only posted one thing at The Cimmerian this week: a rather acerbic look at Jason Momoa's casting as Conan. It's gotten to the point where I actually would kind of like to see Lucy Lawless as Conan! That'd certainly take the sapphic dynamics in "Xuthal of the Dusk" and "Red Nails" to a whole new level. Natala, Thalis and Lady-Conan in a torrid triangle... Well, there's weirder fan fiction out there.

Still, Deuce was kind enough to give my wee blog a link, hopefully sending a couple Cimmerian readers my way. Still, I intend to keep to my promise not to turn TBTTF into one big depository of the things people say about Conan & Howard: that would include concentrating more on The Cimmerian and things that are actually worthy of discussion, instead of addressing the silliness of anonymous internet users.

Hmm, maybe they'll get Lucy for that Dark Agnes film. Nah, that'd be too much to hope for, wouldn't it? I'm afraid to think too much about that particular film, since we all know what happened to Kane and Conan. If they mess with Aggie...

OK, This is the last one, I promise...

I can't resist. It's like an affliction. Still, you'd have to try pretty damn hard to beat some of the stuff said on this page.

..Or how about the Conan that actually matters? (goes into a 5,000 word essay about the Conan O'Brien/Jay Leno saga that's gripped the internet)

Because, apparently, a popular talk-show host matters more than a cultural icon. As if there's some sort of measuring scale of mattering.

Should be JOhn CEna opeople I try and contact him cause this guy they have on this iMage is just not Conan the Barbarian he's more of a side kick of Conan, Get John Cena to play Conan the barbarian JOHN CENA is the guy that come close to looking like Arnold

I don't know, JOhn CEna didn't exactly wow people in his first starring role (The Marine). In fact, he wasn't even cast for the sequel: when you aren't good enough for the role especially written for you, that's a really bad sign.

Superhero Hype: A Den of Numbskulls and Ignorami

You know what? I just want to keep some of these comments. I can't really be bothered bringing it over there, because any intellectual discourse is just going to be wasted. These are a laugh riot. This is why people don't take comic fans seriously, and why the intelligent, insightful comic fans are drowned out by the blatherings of morons and imbeciles.

Triangulation: Imaro, Critics, Birthdays & Asylums

Man, I really need to pick my battles. With the astonishing news of Jason "Can't ride a horse, won't ride a horse" Momoa cast as Conan, all the idiots are out of the woodwork. "Hey, I think it's great they're casting an exotic guy as a barbarian - I mean, it makes him stand out, right?" "I think he's closer to Conan, who if I recall correctly, was described as lean and panther-like rather than massive and muscular." "KRUM! Why do we need to remake Conan? It was a classic! They'll never do better than Arnold! Bring back Milius and Conan: Crown of Iron!"

Urge... to kill... rising...

Anway, on with the show. First of all was a very quick post on Imaro. I really like Imaro, he's probably my favourite non-Howard barbarian, along with Sigurd from The Ship of Ishtar. The image I chose is one of the few I found of the Ilyassi Ironman on DeviantArt, which can be a decent resource if you're discerning in your search. For the love of Tulkas, do not search for "Gimli & Legolas." Don't. Do it.

Then the moment I'd been dreading and anticipating for a month: Nostalgia Critic reviews Conan the Barbarian. To my eternal gratefulness, Howard gets a damn good shake from it, and I'm immensely impressed that Doug chose The Bloody Crown of Conan to illustrate it: The famous Conan the Adventurer would've been alright, but it's really great to see the definitive Robert E. Howard Conan collection in the spotlight. Top job, Critic.

Howard's 104th birthday at The Cimmerian wouldn't be complete without my sentimental ramblings. I'm a much tougher kid than I am as an adult, which is probably to be expected giving The Anomaly back when I was 16. I'm still pinching myself, that my stuff is on The Cimmerian.

Finally, a fun post on the Asylum. Honestly, the Asylum's mockbuster Conan will probably end up less painful to watch than the "official" "Conan." Kind of like how Transmorphers: Fall of Man was more bearable than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, seeing as it didn't stomp my childhood into little tiny bits with rutting gags and toilet humour. I still think I'm going to catch that Sherlock Holmes film with the dinosaurs and powered armour.

Don't look at me like that.

11 Things you DON'T Need To Know About The New Conan

Empire have posted something that got me rather annoyed. I'm going to need to watch My Neighbour Totoro for three days straight in order to calm down.

What It Would Take To Get Me To Watch Conan: The Wrath of Singh

As it stands, there's nothing convincing me to go and fork over my cash for this monstrosity. I don't even know if I'll catch it on TV. I have enough stress in my life.

So aside from a full rewrite that isn't an affront to Robert E. Howard's memory, what would it take for me to see this film? We have our director, writers, and Conan (and possibly Corin if the rumours of Mickey Rourke are to be believed.) Let's see...

Jason Momoa as Conan the Hawaiian

It's just one disaster after another.

So, to recap:

First, Paradox licensed the film to Millenium Films, the production company which brought the world nothing but mediocrity and the godawful remake of The Wicker Man, with only one or two bright spots like Rambo out of the dozens upon dozens of failures.

Then they hired Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, the most wretched screenwriting team in film today, who penned quite possibly the single most horrible adaptation of a classic science fiction story I've ever seen. (This alone was the point that I gave up hope.)

Then Millenium started to court Brett Ratner, an absolute hack of a director who hasn't made anything of note save the average Red Dragon. Even with the likes of Ridley Scott citing interest in a Conan film, somehow Ratner was their first choice.

After Ratner fell through (obviously he had more important stuff to do, like Rush Hour 4), Marcus Nispel was the man. Nispel being most infamous for doing practically nothing but remakes of slasher films for the past few years, as well as Pathfinder, which I'll charitably call a Frazetta pastiche.

Then the script and character synopsis was leaked, and we all know what happened then.

Now, we have Jason Momoa portraying Conan. As blows to the stomach go, it's not as bad as knowing the imbeciles behind A Sound of Thunder and Sahara were hired to write the script, or actually reading the leaked screenplay. It's marginally less offensive than the Nispel announcement, and certainly not as bad as when Ratner and Kickinger were associated with the film.

You know what's scary? It's going to get worse from here.

We'll be hearing a Playboy (probably not even that, something like Hustler or Penthouse) playmate, ex-model, or a flavour-of-the-month pop star cast as the love interest. We'll see some strapped-for-cash Shakespearean actor slumming it for the villain, or more likely, some fading '80s star like Dolph Lundgren looking for a last gasp of fame. Professional wrestlers, basketball players, and/or bodybuilders will be cast in every second role. We'll see nu-metal bands doing the soundtrack. We'll see the garbage tie-in novel and cookie-cutter licensed video game, with the usual action figures and paraphernalia clogging the shelves.

It'll be even worse when the film's out.The Milius fanboys will be insufferable as they hail Conan the Barbarian as the definitive Conan film - and for all intents and purposes, they'll probably be right. That's the biggest punch to the gut for me.

Another silly, silly person

Well, looky here.

Unlike the many other confounded imbeciles I've covered in the past, this gent has opened up discussion. As such, I've taken it over to his blog. Nonetheless, I'll get everyone up to speed...

Hoo boy, where to start...

Triangulation: Donations, Newsletters, Smith & Clonans

Sunday saw a short post giving directions for donations to Project Pride in Dan Goudey's name. Not much to say, except it's a lovely tribute.

Monday's pretty cool, as we see that The Cimmerian was noticed and mentioned in the Library of America newsletter. Man, I hope they do a full Howard book soon.

Wednesday is Clark Ashton Smith day, as we at The Cimmerian celebrate Clark Ashton Smith's birthday. The illustrations therein (apart from the Fantasy Masterworks picture) are all by yours truly: the lineart very old stuff from 2005 or thereabouts, and the CG pictures two years later. One of these days I'm going to get my "Empire of the Necromancers" short finished and put it up on youtube. Those poor guys on the Eldritch Dark forums have probably been on tenterhooks.

Saturday get some Conan casting news. Seriously, of all the recent Conan contenders, two are former Abercrombie & Finch models, and two are Twilight alumnus. One is both. What kind of crazy world is it that underwear models and teenybopper heartthrobs can be considered for freaking Conan.

Just as well the film's already a disaster, otherwise I might be upset about it. As it is, I really want to see if Nispel can turn Mears into a romantic protagonist. I gotta say, they need to get a good thespian for Tamara, since it'll need a great actor to make Mears believably turn girls to hot butter on a skillet.

Also, an update on the Nostalgia Critic Conan the Barbarian/Conan the Destroyer review: I got in contact with Rob Walker the proprieter, and let's just say there's no need to worry on the Howard front. The only things that will be the target of scrutiny will be the films themselves, and Rob's even written in a special gag for us Howard fans. Awesome stuff, and it only cements my appreciation of them.

Perez Hilton, kindly shut up.

Be warned, big rant coming up. I've done too many rants this week, I really should do something cheerful. Maybe that new Transformers game.