Here we go again!
Aly, what's this song?
"Anyone Who Knows What Love Is (Will Understand.)" Irma Thomas. It's been quite popular after it featured on an episode of "Black Mirror."
What's it about?
... Love, I guess. Complicated love that the world doesn't understand, complex relationships, that sort of thing.
So, is it a reference to Claire & Owen, or Blue & Owen?
I'd much rather it was the latter, personally.
Agreed.
Aww, Claire doesn't have the power bob anymore.
Cheer up Aly.
Not ten seconds into the trailer and I'm reminded of why I never got on the Owen bandwagon, with that "dummy" line. I don't care if you're Starlord, YOU WILL NEVER BE ALAN GRANT.
I do have to wonder if the trailer guys would've used that particular song if they hadn't seen "Black Mirror." Seems a bit too timely & on the nose.
So Isla Nublar has been abandoned. Again. You'd think they would've done some salvage operations: lots of steel and stuff still there, and unlike the shoestring-budgeted Jurassic Park, the island was more or less brought under control, with a functioning supply & transport system. Why would they leave everything abandoned like that?
It's possible they tried, Aly, but something prevented it. Remember there are tons of locations in our world that were just left to the wilds: theme parks, towns, entire cities.
Oh no, a dead Ankylosaur! I'm sad now.
Me too, Aly.
Claire's become a Dinosaur Rights Activist? This could be a really cool aspect of her character development from Jurassic World: after being visibly moved by the Apatosaurus' plight & her experience with her nephews, I can certainly imagine her continuing that route. She started a cog in the machine that started to come loose, & now she's rattling the machine apart. I like it!
I would endorse this too. It also explains the lack of power bob.
A regrettable loss, but I think entirely in keeping with her character. Thus far in the trailer, we haven't seen her wearing any stylish clothes or makeup or anything. If anything, she resembles Ellie Sattler or Sarah Harding from the first two Jurassic Park films - from Hammond-esque suit to Harding-esque naturalist. I'm telling you, Claire has a much more interesting character arc than many give her credit for.
A volcano?
... They built not one, but two theme parks, ON AN ACTIVE VOLCANO!?!
Aly, calm dow-
NO I WILL NOT. THIS IS LUDICROUS. WHY WOULD YOU BUILD A MAJOR TOURIST DESTINATION THAT HOUSES TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ON AN ACTIVE VOLCANO!
Think about it, Aly - is it any different from the many towns & cities built near volcanoes?
Most towns & cities near volcanoes are on the MAINLAND, not an ISLAND. They can be EVACUATED. We saw in Jurassic World it took ages to get boats out to rescue the 20,000 guests when the Murdersaurus escaped - and much as we love Rexy, I doubt she'd be any salvation against an eruption. And, again, most towns & cities near volcanoes were built when they were dormant. How could InGen or Masrani have missed volcanic activity within a few months?
Its entirely possible this is a plot point, Aly. Remember Jurassic World is set in the near future: a theory I saw is that Isla Nublar utilised geothermic energy production. Maybe something went wrong there?
But that just raises even more questions!
You love stuff like that. We love stuff like that.
I... yig... chu... *exasperated noise*
Baby Blue! Come on Aly, it's a babbie dinosaur!
Don't patronise me. I'm 8, not stupid. She does look cute, but I remain unmoved.
Och, look at her wee face!
Do I really grow up to be you?
It depends on your definition of "grow up..."
OK, that was cool. Happy to see Compsognathus back! Were those Papo figures I saw there, or just made for the film?
Dunno, Aly. I'm pretty sure one of them's one of the pitiful Hasbro T.rexes.
Oh aye. What on earth happened? How could we go from the glorious Kenner toys to... those? It's sad when the prop toys in a Jurassic Park film look better than the actual ones. Do I, erm, you, still have them?
Yup.
All of them?
Of course: young T.rex, nodding Triceratops, rubber Stegosaurus, the bendy Coelophysises, biting Raptor, both the screeching and spitting Dilophosauruses, flappy Pteranodon, even the Dimetrodon. I think I/we had the whole first line except for the big red T.rex and the screeching Raptor.
Awesome. They probably cost a bomb on Ebay.
I'm afraid to look!
Yay Brachiosaurus!
Yay Brachiosaurus!
(said in unison)
Wow, Ian Malcolm got old. Really old.
It has been almost 25 years, Aly. Malcolm was about 40 when Jurassic Park came out.
Wow. How old are you now?
33.
Wow, YOU got old!
I know, Aly. I know.
Wow.
OH MAN BARYONYX
Looks like it, Aly!
Can I nerd out a bit?
Dude, look what site you're on. Go nuts.
*sharp intake of breath*
Baryonyx has been trying to get into Jurassic Park cinema for aaaaages. First off, it was planned to be a feature of the original Jurassic Park in the promotional material, as seen in the official Isla Nublar Map Brochure: alas, like Segisaurus and Herrerasaurus, it didn't make it into the film itself, not even as one of the names on the cold storage unit. Since then, the closest it came to an appearance was in Jurassic Park 3, where it was placed to be a major antagonist - it even got a logo - before somebody reminded the filmmakers that Spinosaurus was bigger than Baryonyx, something that haunted the film's theatrical version.
 |
| The Green one is big. The orange one is small. THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT, BILLY. |
I'm curious about the fire in this shot. Where are they? Could this lend credence to the geothermal theory? I'm getting some delightful Dino Crisis vibes here too.
QUIET ALY, LOOK!
Quetzalcoatlus?
Quetzalcoatlus!
QUETZALCOATLUS!
QUETZALCOATLUS!
Asplosions!
Sigh.
Come on, Blue, bite his arm off! He's only a stupid human!
Now, Aly, remember people think people need to see other people in dinosaur films.
Stupid people.
Any new faces there Aly? I saw Compsognathus, Gallimimus, Apatosaurus, Stegosaurus, Triceratops, Ankylosaurus, and... any idea who that last one was?
Hard to say, Aly. Could be a mid-sized hadrosaur. I have a sneaking suspicion that the filmmakers are making a concerted effort to squeeze all the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park franchise history in this film. To that end, I suggest Segisaurus.
Really?
Why not?
Eh.
ZOMG ITS CARNOTAURUS
OH JINGS SO IT IS
GO ON CARNY EAT THEM
GOBBLE THEM UP
OM NOM NOM NOM NOM
NOOOOO
There's Rexy-
CARNY WAS SO CLOSE TO EATING THE STUPID HUMANS
That's a bit weird, showing that bit in the trailer: now the scene isn't going to have any tension. "Oh, this is the bit we saw in the trailer where the T.rex saves the day!" Imagine they spoiled the end of Jurassic Park like that in the trailer.
DARNIT MOVIE YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE REXY RUN IN AND SAVE THE DAY ALL THE TIME, SHE'S NOT GODZILLA YOU DOOFUSES
I just don't know why they wouldn't save that for a crowd-pleasing moment. Unless that weird cut was actually editing two different scenes together to mislead the audience, to trick them!
IT WAS GREAT IN THE FIRST JURASSIC PARK AND IT WAS CATHARTIC IN JURASSIC WORLD BUT REXY IS NOT A SUPERHERO DARNIT SHE'S A DANGEROUS APEX PREDATOR YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FEAR AS MUCH AS ADMIRE
Poor Carnotaurus, it just wanted some lunch, then Rexy rudely interrupted it.
GAAAAAWD
Aye, there's the fanservice money shot. Good to hear the classic roar return.
Harrumph. I SUPPOSE it's KIND of COOL. Bah.
Aye, that's definitely not a Pterosaur we've seen in the Jurassic Park franchise before, although it actually seems a bit small for Quetzalcoatlus. Perhaps just plain old Pterodactyl?
That dark green beastie being annoyed by that Gallomimus looks unfamiliar - perhaps Suchomimus? More evidence for my Jurassic Parkocalypse theory!
Hrm. Probably going to be eaten by Rexy, because that's what these movies are now, aren't they? "Rexy Saves The STUPID HUMANS"
Oh, that looks like Centrosaurus on the far right, too!
Either that, or a really stumpy Styracosaurus.
Allosaurus!
Yay! Could be Metriacanthosaurus too: those crests look like the general family. And that's another one that sort-of appeared in the first film in the Cold Storage Unit!
THE JURASSIC PARKOCALYPSE IS COMING
Aw man.
I'm getting horrible Land Before Time vibes.
You can't see, but I have a sad face.
I almost don't want to point out that the two sauropods in the foreground don't look like they're the same species: we can presume at least one is Apatosaurus, but what about the other?
The one of the right looks most like Jurassic World's Apatosaurus, but the far left looks a bit chunkier, shorter neck & heavier build: Camarasaurus?
JURASSIC PARKOCALYPSE. Or just foreshortening & lightning. BUT I PREFER JURASSIC PARKOCALYPSE
Well, Owen's dead.
What? How'd you figure?
Dante's Peak may not have been out when I was 8-years-old, but know about pyroclastic flows: Owen was completely engulfed in it. Dude's been Pompeiied.
Are you sure? Is it not possible it's just smoke or-
DON'T YOU TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME
Man, you really didn't like Owen, did you?
HE IS NOT ALAN GRANT
So are Claire & Moss from The I.T. Crowd's cousin dead? That's a pretty deadly drop they took there.
NO. Claire can't die, she's cool & I like her. Evidently the gyrosphere has some fancy technology that prevents massive inertial trauma, enabling passengers to survive being buffeted about like pinballs.
...
What? You said it's the Not Too Distant Future, right?
It's just you're willing to rationalise that for Claire & Moss's cousin, but not Owe-
THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THAT, YOU EGG. This is about advanced technology explaining things, not violating the laws of thermodynamics because plot armour!
Oh, right.
Hooray, they made it! Again, ruining any tension for the scene when the film comes out, but still, hooray for that wee Centrosaurus paddling away! That's something, isn't it Aly?
...
Al-Aly?
THIS. MAKES. NO. SENSE.
What? Aren't you happy multi-ton dinosaurs survived a 100-foot-plus plunge into the Pacific Ocean?
NO. I MEAN YES. I MEAN... It's stupid! Look, we know the Jurassic Park films are action films, right? So there's going to be a certain amount of leniency in terms of what the heroes can suffer. But anatomically speaking, there is no way animals that size could survive a fall like that, because of the Square-Cube law:
So this is why "what would happen if an elephant fell off a skyscraper" is in your search history.
Science can be surprisingly morbid. But to answer your question: even accounting for some of the silliness of Jurassic Park 3 like the insanely strong Pteranodons, none of the films threw the laws of physics out so brazenly as in this trailer. Even acknowledging their action & adventure pedigree, the Jurassic films were still broadly adherent to basic gravity & such. This is practically Transformers now.
Whoa there, Aly, let's not say anything you might regret!
Argh. It's probably just a setup for a Mosasaurus buffet.
Anyway, that looks like a Styracosaurus. Isn't that cool? Finally a new Ceratopsian to join Triceratops!
Oh aye. Neat.
I like the tremulous strings, reminds me of the opening chords of Alien. You've seen that, right, Aly?
Yes. Thanks, ma.
So. Final thoughts?
I like the new dinosaurs. I hate the stupid humans, except Claire, who I still like, even without a power bob. I'm not looking forward to the dinosaur apocalypse: humans can die in their droves in these films, but not dinosaurs! How about you?
I'm just surprised they seemed to spoil a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense now, but will in the context of the film. The Rexy/Carnotaurus bit, the Baryonyx in the tunnel, the gyrosphere escape - it almost looks as if they've spoiled the entire film without actually contextualising what's happening.
Explain.
Well, imagine they showed the sled with Rosebud on it in the trailer for Citizen Kane. If you hadn't seen the film, all you'd see is a sled with Rosebud: you wouldn't have the slightest clue what it meant, or its significance. But as soon as you watch the film, and you realise Rosebud is central to the plot, you immediately think "oh wait, is this about that sled in the trailer?" As a result, all the mystery and tension is gone, dissipated. And so, I fear, it may be for several scenes in this film.
The Rexy/Carnotaurus bit is just the smallest example: "oh noes, the humans are in danger! How will they get out of this?" - if you've seen the trailer, you already know. "Oh noes, there's something in the tunnels, what could it be?" - if you've seen the trailer, you already know. "Oh noes, how are they going to escape the volcano?" - if you've seen the trailer, you already know. Even situations we don't know the circumstances around are spoiled, because of their presence in the trailer.
Man.
Aye. So while it's nice enough to see some more stuff to come, I can't say I liked the trailer at all: it just rubbed me up the wrong way.
So what would you provide as a good example of a trailer?
This one's pretty good:
It isn't perfect: I'm not sure I liked spoiling the raptor opening the door at the very end, but everything else up to that point was great: hints and suggestions, mere glimpses of the dinosaurs, while also serving as an introduction to the major characters & themes of the story. Film trailers have changed since the 1990s, but I'd like to think this was a good one.
What about a modern trailer, then?
This is a great modern trailer:
Yes, it uses a popular song with a popular artist, but here it works brilliantly not just because of the song, but because of the singer - Logan and Johnny Cash are both hurting, physically and emotionally, and looking back upon their turbulent lives & legacies. The choice use of quotations & economy of plot lends great emotional resonance and power that evokes the best noir and westerns. I'd even say the trailer is better than the film, and I quite liked the film.
I see what you mean. I guess I, as an 8-year-old, am already too jaded & cynical to get particularly excited about trailers now. I was largely unmoved by the Avengers: Infinity War trailer. I can't remember the last time I was excited for a trailer.
Ah well. I'm just here for the dinosaurs.
On that, we can both truly agree!
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