8-Year-Old Reviews: The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

As we wait for the Beeb to respond, here are my thoughts on my most recent trip to the cinema, which again can only be expressed through the medium of 8-year-old.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH BEST FILM EVER BEST FILM EVER IM DOING ROLLY POLLYS ON THE CARPET MY HEADS SPINNING AND MY EARS ARE WAGGLING BEST FILM EVER

Oh for pity's sake, Aly, not this again: the poor reader's ears will be bleeding!

NO THEY WONT YOU PRIZE PURPLE JELLYFISH WHILE CAPITAL LOCKS MAY MENTALLY EVOKE THE ACT OF SHOUTING IM NOT ACTUALLY MAKING A SOUND THEIR COMPUTERS DONT TRANSMIT SOUND UNLESS IM SPEAKING INTO A MICROPHONE OR THEY HAVE DICTATION SOFTWARE ITS A CURIOUS PHENOMENON ALL THINGS CONSIDERED BUT THEN IM ONLY 8 SO I DONT UNDERSTAND NET ETTIQUETE YET I DONT EVEN HAVE INTERNET YET ITS STILL 1991 IN MY MIND

This is getting too confusing, so I'll just huddle in this corner while you review.

SURE THING 27-YEAR-OLD ALY

AND AWAAAAAY WE GO

GREAT SNAKES I LOVE THE TINTIN COMICS I HAVE LOTS OF THE ALBUMS MY FAVOURITES ARE THE CRAB WITH THE GOLDEN CLAWS FLIGHT 714 THE CASTAFIORE EMERALD CIGARS OF THE PHARAOH TINTIN AND THE PICAROS KING OTTOKARS SCEPTRE THE CALCULUS AFFAIR AND OF COURSE THE BLACK ISLAND THATS THE SCOTTISH ONE ITS SO COOL SEEING TINTIN IN A KILT I ALSO WATCHED THE ANIMATED SERIES IT WAS GREAT EVEN THOUGH TINTIN WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT FELT REALLY WRONG THOUGH CAPTAIN HADDOCK SNOWY AND THE PROFESSOR WERE MY FAVOURITES ANYWAY

BUT I DIGRESS THIS IS BASED ON THE SECRET OF THE UNICORN I DONT REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR STORY BUT HAVING REREAD IT THE FILM WAS PRETTY FAITHFUL TO THE SOURCE MATERIAL ILL GET TO THAT BIT LATER IN ANY CASE THIS IS DEFINITELY AN ADAPTATION OF AN EXISTING TINTIN STORY NOT LIKE OTHER SUPPOSED ADAPTATIONS I COULD NAME BUT AGAIN I DIGRESS

ANYWAY I WONT SPOIL THE FILM BUT I WILL SAY THIS IS TOTALLY THE HOLLYWOOD VERSION OF TINTIN ITS PACKED WITH ACTION AND CRAZY SPECIAL EFFECTS AND PREPOSTEROUS STUNTS THAT ARE SO RIDICULOUS I CANT HELP BUT LOVE THEM THE PROBLEM IS A LOT OF THE MYSTERY SUBTLETY AND INTRIGUE IS LOST BUT I KIND OF EXPECTED THAT SINCE MODERN FILMS ARE REALLY ACTION PACKED TO A DEGREE THEY NORMALLY ARE NOT ALSO THE CHARACTERISATION WAS BLUNT AND HEAVY HANDED BUT AGAIN TO BE EXPECTED

EVERY CHARACTER WAS PITCH PERFECT MORE OR LESS TINTIN WASNT MY PERSONAL VISION OF TINTIN BUT HE WAS CLOSE ENOUGH HADDOCK WAS ABSOLUTELY PITCH PERFECT TEN THOUSAND THUNDERING TYPHOONS AND BILLIONS OF BILIOUS BLISTERING BLUE BARBECUED BARNACLES HE WAS GREAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE KVETCHING ABOUT HIM BEING SCOTTISH BUT I THINK LIKE TINTIN HERGE WAS DELIBERATELY VAGUE ABOUT HIS ANCESTRY JUST FOR THIS PRECISE REASON AND WEIRDLY I ALWAYS READ HADDOCK IN A SCOTTISH OR WEST COUNTRY ACCENT BUT REGARDLESS OF ACCENT ISSUES HADDOCK WAS BRILLIANT THOMSON AND THOMPSON WERE UNCANNY AND HILARIOUS OF COURSE SNOWY WAS FANTASTIC ALTHOUGH I HOPED THERE WOULD BE A SLY ALLUSION TO SNOWYS COMMENTARY ON THE ADVENTURES DIFFICULT TO DO I ADMIT BUT OH WELL

ABOUT THE ONLY DISAPPOINTING THING IS THAT THERE SIMPLY ISNT ENOUGH ROOM TO CALM DOWN BETWEEN ACTION SCENES THE PACINGS ALL WRONG BUT THE ACTION IS JUST SO WELL DONE THAT YOU CANT HELP BUT LOVE IT I MEAN SNOWYS PURSUIT ESCAPING THE KARABOUDJAN THE PIRATE BATTLE THE BAGGHAR CHASE THE CRANE DUEL ANY ONE OF THOSE SCENES COULDVE BEEN HIGHLIGHTS OF ANOTHER FILM BUT ALTOGETHER THEY CAUSE SENSORY OVERLOAD AND YOURE TOTALLY EXHAUSTED AT THE END

IN TERMS OF FIDELITY THEY DID A BIT OF TWEAKING AROUND THEY COMBINED THE VILLAINS INTO ONE CHARACTER AND INTRODUCED A TWIST THAT SEEMED VERY SILLY AND GRATUITOUS BUT IT WASNT TOO OFFENSIVE PLUS IT LED TO A BLOOMING SWORD FIGHT SO I CANT HATE IT THAT MUCH FOR SOME REASON THEY DECIDED TO MAKE THIS THE CAPTAINS FIRST MEETING WITH TINTIN EVEN THOUGH THEYD MET A LONG TIME BEFORE THIS I GUESS THIS MEANS NO CRAB WITH THE GOLDEN CLAWS ADAPTATION THOUGH GIVEN THE AMOUNT OF EASTER EGGS PERHAPS WE SHOULD ALREADY CONSIDER IT AN ADAPTATION

THATS ONE OF THE THINGS I CANT DECIDE WHETHER I LOVE OR DONT LOVE ABOUT THE FILM THE EASTER EGGS THE FILM WAS CRAMMED TO THE GUNWALES WITH LITTLE HINTS AND SNIPPETS OF THE STORIES HERES A TASTER

• SNOWY KNOCKS OVER A CRATE OF TINS WITH A VERY FAMILIAR LABEL
• A CERTAIN PRIVATE CONCERT HAS A VERY FAMILIAR GUEST
• THE HOST HAS A VERY FAMILIAR STATUE IN HIS PALACE
• THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS IN TINTINS OFFICE REFER TO VERY FAMILIAR ADVENTURES
• THE ENTIRE OPENING CREDITS HAVE SOME VERY FAMILIAR BITS AND PIECES I SHOULD MENTION THE OPENING CREDITS WERE THE BEST PART OF THE FILM FROM A TINTIN FAN PERSPECTIVE

I CANT TELL IF IM ANNOYED THAT THE PRODUCERS PLAYED ME LIKE A HARP A HARP I SAY BY DROPPING ALL THESE REFERENCES IN OR IF IM HAPPY THAT THEY ACTUALLY TOOK THE EFFORT OF SLIPPING IN THESE LITTLE MORSELS FOR THE BIG TINTIN FANS NOW THINK HOW DIFFERENT THE CONAN FILM MIGHTVE BEEN RECEIVED IF YOU SAW THINGS LIKE A STATUE OF YAG-KOSHA IN THE BACKGROUND OR A BLACK RING WITH SERPENT COILS IN THE THIEVES GUILD OR A HORNED HELMET LYING ON A BATTLEFIELD OR A PECULIAR SMALL GREEN FIGURINE AT THE MARKET OR A SERPENT WITH IRIDESCENT SCALES CRAWLING IN THE FOREGROUND OF AN ESTABLISHING SHOT THAT WOULD TRIGGER SYNAPSES IN CONAN FANS AND MIGHT COLOUR THEM MORE FAVOURABLY TO THE FILM BUT THEN AGAIN THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY MADE NOT ONLY BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE TINTIN BUT ARE ACTUALLY COMPETENT FILMMAKERS WITH A BUDGET RATHER THAN A HERD OF MACROCEPHALIC BABOONS WHO SHOUT DOWN THE PEOPLE IN THE PRODUCTION WHO ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEYRE DOING

BUT

I

DIGRESS

ALSO THERE ARE OTHER REFERENCES TO CLASSIC LITERATURE OF THE PERIOD CAPTAIN HADDOCKS FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH SNOWY IS PERHAPS THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE ENTIRE FILM WHICH I SIMPLY SHALL NOT SPOIL SUFFICE TO SAY A TINTIN SHERLOCK HOLMES CROSSOVER WOULD BE SPECTACULARLY AWESOME JUST THROW IN PROFESSOR CHALLENGER AND BRIGADIER GERARD'S GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDSON TO PLAY OFF CALCULUS AND HADDOCK AND IT WOULD BE BEST CROSSOVER EVER

EVERYTHING WAS REALLY GOOD YOU COULD REALLY TELL EVERYONE WAS A FAN ALL THE ACTORS AND WRITERS AND STEVEN SPIELBERG MAN THIS IS A MOVIE MADE FOR 8 YEAR OLDS OF ALL AGES I CANT WAIT FOR RED RACKHAMS TREASURE IF THEY DO IT I REALLY HOPE THEY GET AROUND TO DO MORE OF THEM OH MAN NOW IM IMAGINING THE NEW ADAPTATIONS THEY COULD DO I REALLY HOPE THIS DOES WELL IN AMERICALAND IT IS A VERY EUROPEAN FILM BUT THERES ENOUGH ACTION IN IT FOR ALL AUDIENCES SEE HOLLYWOOD THIS IS HOW YOU DO ADAPTATIONS DO MORE LIKE THIS MORE LIKE THIS THIS THIS THIS

THIS THIS

THIS

BWAAA

*THUMP*

Oh dear, I'm afraid 8-year-old Aly has collapsed in a heap and is now sound asleep.  Don't worry, I'll just throw a blanket over him.