Friday, 2 April 2010

Belated April Fool's

I had plans for an April Fool's gag. Oh, I had plans.

Remember Conan the Sumerian? I was going to do that. Try to divine more about the Conan universe of John Milius, with absolutely zero reference to Robert E. Howard's work.

Something like this:

Conan was a Sumerian, which would place him many thousands of years before the "Sons of Ares", or Romans. Some people erroneously state that Conan was a Cimmerian, but the Cimmerians were equestrian nomads akin to the Scythians and Huns: that definitely doesn't sound like Conan's people, who lived in houses and settlements.

The Sumerians came into history around 3000 BC. They inhabited what it is now known as Southern Iraq which of course was once known as Mesopotamia. The people there were black haired and stocky and one would assume that the because of the land they inhabited, had people that were also dark-skinned. The mountains where Conan was born are likely the Zagros or Elburi mountains, which would have been sunny and hot in summertime: obviously the film's prologue takes place in winter. You can see that every other location responds to the Mesopotamian environment. Eventually, Conan would become king of Sumeria by his own hand.

There are two possible origins for Thulsa Doom: the first is Nubia. Nubia was a black kingdom closely connected to ancient Egypt: this explains his haircut and clothing, which is very Pharonic. Serpent cults were a noted factor in the ancient Near East, especially at Megiddo, Gezer, Hazor and Shechem. The second is Dahomey, a kingdom in what is now Benin which was founded in the 1700s officially, but undoubtedly had a much longer history. Dahomey is noted for its serpent cults.

The red-haired, painted savage is a mystery: some claim him to be a Pict, but what would a Pict be doing in Mesopotamia at this age? More likely, he is a Celt: this requires some tweaking of history since the Celts were largely unknown in this region, but it's possible. Rexor and Thorgrim sound like Vikings, but like the Celts, it's very unlikely they could be in the region. The closest, in my opinion, are the Dacians just north of Greece: they were barbarians who utilized unusual weapons, which gives a precedent for Rexor's triple-axe and Thorgrimm's giant hammer.

The city of Samarra - often erroneously referred to as Zamora, which is in fact a Roman-era city in Spain and not in Mesopotamia - would have been at a similar level of culture to most Sumerian cities. Black lotus is likely nothing more than a brand name for a medicinal herb: Lotus flowers have a history of use in Chinese medicine. There is no such flower as a black lotus: lotuses mostly come in bright, vibrant colours.

Subotai is a Hyrcanian, a tribe of hillmen from the region Hyrcania, which was situated around the southernmost coasts of the Black Sea. This is the same region Red Sonja hearkens from. The Wizard is very likely to be a Khitaian, like the War Masters who trained Conan: the Khitans were a nomadic people of Mongolia. The "Mongol Generals" who ask Conan what is best in life are likely to be of the same type.

And so forth. But then, somebody might've taken this nonsense literally, so I thought better of it.

But then, nothing could prepare me for this unbelievably cruel gag.

From Latino Review-
"By George "El Guapo" Roush on March 31, 2010

Well, well well! The self-proclaimed genius behind such brilliance like the gold mine known as Pathfinder is suddenly not happy with being a suck up to the studios and wants things done his way from now on. From a recent interview "Conan" director Marcus Nispel has given an announcement about the film-

"We're going to start from scratch on this, I don't think the story is going to work out too well in the end, me and the writers want to tell a more different story but one more faithful to the Robert E. Howard Stories. We'll keep our characters and actors but we'll do things quite differently with them, most of which should please true fans of Conan. And the story we're conceiving during our free time is going to require much more money to make so both me and them and one of our producers are having negotiations about the whole thing. I promise I'll fight it tooth and nail to get this movie the justice it deserves. Robert E. Howard was a great writer and deserves better than this, even better than me but I'll do my best, in the past studios and producers have always told me what to do till the bitter end, well this time the chaisn are off and I'm ready to pounce( laughs)."

Nispel also spoke a bit on Jason Mamoa-
"...Jason's going to do fine, he's built up quite a bit since he was cast. He's really reading into the original stories and when asked by anybody if he was ever going to look at Arnold's performance to inspiration, he always turns his head and says "nope!". He's a great guy, very funny at times."

On another note Amber Valletta( The honey from Gamer, Transporter 2, The spy next door, and the masterpiece itself, Hitch) has signed on to play a small role in the film, as Conan's smokin' hot mama. Rammstein has also been confirmed to do the soundtrack for the film and chip in a bit on the score.

Hmmm...I don't know if this is all a good thing, or a bad thing. Time will tell till the power of CROM!!


...APRIL FOOLS!!! ;)

Sorry, I couldn't resist myself, still hope the flick turns out decent enough, that's the best we can hope for.

Damn you, Darwinskid! You had me going for a minute.

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