Showing posts with label Confounded Imbeciles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Confounded Imbeciles. Show all posts

Monday, 27 December 2010

The Alleged Conan Formula

More recently I decided to read Robert E. Howard, particularly his Solomon Kane and Conan stories.
I am not a fan of Conan, I’m afraid. At least for the first several stories that Howard wrote, I felt like they were all derivatives of each other. 

This is exactly why I've set up the Newcomer's Guide. This gentleman, Bruce Nielson, has claimed to have read the first thirteen Conan stories - presumably this means The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian - yet I can see much reason to doubt that statement.  If he has read them, I really thinks he needs to read them again.

Ah well.  Can't please everyone, even though I don't know how anyone could consider "The Phoenix on the Sword," "The Frost-Giant's Daughter," "The God in the Bowl" and "The Tower of the Elephant" remotely similar enough to be "derivative of each other. But that's not my problem.  My problem is that Mr Nielson has gone to the trouble to produce a "Conan formula" which apparently applies to the stories, based on his reading of the first thirteen.  The problem is, as I shall demonstrate, that this formula does nothing of the sort.

Sure, he's just a blogger on the internet.  But I'm just a blogger on the internet.  This is the kind of stuff the Newcomer's Guide seeks to challenge.  And challenge it is what I intend to do.

Friday, 15 October 2010

How wrong can one reporter be?

I generally try to get the word of Conan and Howard out there. Having a blog is great, but it can quickly become preaching to the choir.  You guys all know my grievances, and I sometimes feel like I'm repeating myself.  So, whenever I feel it worthwhile, I make a point of clarifying errors and mistakes wherever I see them.  Most people are fairly appreciative, while others are just silent.  Yet occassionally I run into... others.  Such as one Martyn Conterio.

Now, I have provided two versions of the article.  This is the article as it appears on the site now:

Marcus Nispel has spent a good majority of this year working on his Conan The Barbarian reboot out in sunny Bulgaria. There’s been plenty of stills knocking around these past few months but none like the ones here, which show off the beautiful lighting, art direction and costume design.
Conan will be released worldwide in 2011 and Nispel’s $90 million dollars sword, sorcery and sandals epic could be a great slice of b-movie heaven… we hope. Television actor Jason Momoa won the role of the Cimmerian blacksmith’s lad forced into human bondage after his village is wiped out by some mean bastards.
Filling out the cast alongside Momoa is Stephen Lang as villain Khalar Zym, Ron Perlman, Rachel Nichols, Rose McGowan and Saïd Taghmaoui.
Conan The Barbarian is based upon fantasy writer Robert E. Howard’s 1930s series and in the 1980s launched Arnold Schwarzenegger on the road to stardom in John Milius’s 1982 epic. Arnie followed up the original with Conan The Destroyer in 1984.
You may recall Rose McGowan was much touted to play the flame-haired lady warrior in a reboot by Robert Rodriguez, but the project is currently languishing in development with other lost movie souls. In Nispel’s film she plays the character Tamara.
Conan The Barbarian is undergoing 3D cosmetic surgery. Shame that. 

Now here's the article as it originally appeared, with my corrections.

Marcus Nispel has spent a good majority of this year working on his Conan The Barbarian reboot out in sunny Bulgaria. There’s been plenty of stills knocking around these past few months but none like the ones here, which show off the beautiful lighting, art direction and costume design.

Conan will be released worldwide in 2011 and Nispel’s $90 million dollars sword, sorcery and sandals epic could be a great slice of b-movie heaven… we hope. Television actor Jason Momoa won the role of the Cimmerian prince forced into human bondage after his village is wiped out by some mean bastards.
Filling out the cast alongside Momoa is Stephen Lang as villain Khalar Zym, Ron Perlman, Rachel Nichols, Rose McGowan and Saïd Taghmaoui.

Conan The Barbarian is based upon fantasy writer Robert E. Howard’s 1930s series and in the 1980s launched Arnold Schwarzenegger on the road to stardom in John Milius’s 1982 epic. Arnie followed up the original with Conan The Destroyer in 1984, which introduced the character of Red Sonja to proceedings.

You may recall Rose McGowan was much touted to play the flame-haired lady warrior in a reboot by Robert Rodriguez, but the project is currently languishing in development with other lost movie souls. In Nispel’s film she plays the character Tamara.

Conan The Barbarian is undergoing 3D cosmetic surgery. Shame that.

Notice the differences?  Now, I had responded to the article in its original form, and - in my own placid, unconfrontational style - corrected Martyn on those points. I also noted that it was Rachel Nichols who plays Tamara, not Rose McGowan, who plays Marique.  Happily, Martyn appears to have taken these suggestions aboard.  Unhappily, not only was my comment not published, but...



Now that's just a bit rude, isn't it?

Monday, 20 September 2010

More Mysterious Deleted Messages

We know how distorted a fact can become, even when passed through the mouths of a generation of fairly well educated people; how much more, then, must truths be twisted into myths at the hands of savages and barbarians through the ages. Sometimes it seems to me that there might be a blind spot in our conception of history and prehistory a whole undiscovered continent of facts, lying beyond our horizon; a vast, forgotten reservoir of knowledge, of which our modern sciences are but seepings, trickles from the greater store. I do not, of course, even put this forward as a supposition, but merely as a thought.
- Robert E. Howard, letter to Clark Ashton Smith, March 1934

I don't know how or why these messages keep getting deleted, but it's starting to concern me.  I'm presuming there's some moderator at Blogger that does this, or perhaps some automated system.  Who knows.  I'll have to look into it.  Let it be known that I do not delete any of my comments, no matter how much I disagree or am offended by them.

Another deleted comment came in my inbox today, this time involving my discussion of rampant Afrocentrism.  So I've been accused of sexism, now it only follows I be accused of racism as well.  I was afraid something like this would happen: fringe theories always bring the crazies, but there's an extra element to Afrocentrism that adds a level of racial discussion to proceedings, i.e. that this is a result of The Man keeping down the brothers by reducing the role of black people in history.  No doubt there are possibly incidents of this happening, but I seriously doubt it's to the extent that an entire nation of black people was "whitewashed."  Such a thing would be impossible to cover up or ignore.

And, of course, one cannot make the argument against, say, Ancient Egypt as being black without being branded a racist by that particular section.  I have little time for such arguments, since there's simply no arguing with them.  Being a white chap, there's no way to convince someone who's convinced that I'm racist that I'm not.  I can talk about my love of the many colourful cultures of Africa till the ngombe come home, but all that is naught to the mind of the crazed.

I can sympathize.  I too have suffered from fixation on the negative aspects of something, such as the less savoury comments in ... And Their Memory Was A Bitter Tree, and the other otherwise glowing introductions to books on or relating to Howard.  However, I also endeavour to point out the good elements in such cases, where present.  Unfortunately, the latest "Message Deleted" case doesn't appear to have that courtesy.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Urge... To Kill... Rising... Again.

Macha, Morrigan, Badb, Nemain, Lir, Manannan Mac Lir, Dagda, Diancecht and Crom...


InterCasino is launching the world’s first and only “Conan the Barbarian” video slot game. In this new video slot game, there are 9 paylines and one jackpot for each of them. You could win a jackpot on every payline. If 5 Conans appear on any of the 9 paylines, then the Crazy Jackpot is triggered. There is a bonus feature when 3 or more of the scatter symbols appear, and you’ll need to select skulls to reveal prizes and multipliers until you stumble upon a trap under one of the skulls. Swing your sword like a warrior, bend bars with your bare hands, punch camels, and wreak havoc in this fantasy world with Conan the Barbarian at InterCasino.

... Swing your sword like a warrior, bend bars with your bare hands, punch camels, and wreak havoc in this fantasy world with Conan the Barbarian at InterCasino...

... bend bars with your bare hands, punch camels, and wreak havoc...

... punch camels...

... punch camels...

... punch camels...

Friday, 13 August 2010

Urge... To Kill... Rising...

Anyone want to place bets on the likelihood of this guy never having picked up a Robert E. Howard story in his life?

Has an actor ever embodied a comic-strip/comic-book character better? It's as if Robert Howard knew Arnold would come along when he created the character in the 1930s.

My God.  I mean My God.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Pastiches 'R' Us: Ryan Harvey Inadvertently Destroys De Camp

Full confession time: I haven't read Conan of the Isles.  I have, however, read Roy Thomas' adaptations of various De Camp/Carter pastiches in the recent Marvel reprints courtesy of Dark Horse, and from what I can gather, Thomas was - unfortunately - as faithful to De Camp as he was to Howard. Admirable on Thomas' part, but leads to a lot of infuriated spluttering on my part. Like Conan the Liberator. To hell with that.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Deadliest Warrior: The Video Game

Finally, we can re-do Deadliest Warrior's fights right... At least, that's the idea.  I'd love to have the Viking destroy the Samurai, the Knight obliterate the Pirate, and everything in between.

I hate Deadliest Warrior.

Monday, 2 August 2010

Had enough of people mining Harryhausen for soulless remakes?

Too bad!



Why.

Just... why.  I mean, there's ripping off Bradbury, and there's outright plagiarism.  "In Dynamation!" it boasts - Harryhausen should sue.  Not to mention this comes hot on the heels of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time and Mishmash of the Cretins, a truly Asylum-esque marketing ploy.  (I haven't seen Prince of Persia since my last experience with a mythologically-tinted movie was... unpleasant.) About the only good thing about the production - that being they finally have an ethnic Persian as Sinbad - is wasted since for some reason this Sinbad is bald.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

It's a conspiracy! A conspiracy, I tells ya!

 
Just a few days ago, I was pondering the awesomeness that was Mark Finn doing a panel on Robert E. Howard in the comics, featuring Paul Sammon and Kurt Busiek.  This, in addition to the presence of the upcoming "Conan" film possibly including star appearances and even footage, as well as John Milius being in the vicinity.  It coulda been one for the books!

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Turn off your Mind, folks: Gary Lachman's Way Ahead of You



This was a bombshell from Mikey C (of Necronomania):

You are going to love this one, comrades-in-arms. All the standard DeCampisms, plus a gratuitous link between REH and Charlie Manson of all people!

Maybe you can't really expect much from a book which solemnly recounts on page 3 the old urban myth that Manson was auditioned for the Monkees (which would have been extremely difficult as he was in prison at the time!) and then goes on to repeat just about every shaggy dog story from the period that your acid casualty friends have ever told you. But Dedalus is a highly respected publisher in receipt, I believe, of Arts Council funding.

It really puzzles me why Lachman thinks that Robert E. Howard is of such significance to the "Age of Aquarius". The Manson connection is entirely spurious - I have recently read three books about the Manson Family, and watched several documentaries, and I can assure you there is absolutely no similarity or link between any his rantings and Howard's ideas!

Anyway - here are the scans of the offending article.

More knowledgeable readers might be able to spot a source for this piece. I have just read a section of the book about Aldous Huxley and Christopher Isherwood's exploits in California. Feeling a sense of deja vu, I picked up another book I recently read called Madame Blavatsky's Baboon by Peter Washington. Well, I'm no lawyer, but the "p" word immediately sprang to mind.

It gives me no pleasure to attack, Mr Lachman's work, btw. For a time in the 70s he went by the name of "Gary Valentine" and was an original member of Blondie. He actually wrote one of my favourite ever songs: "I'm always touched by your presence, dear".

I have no knowledge of Lachman's work, though I do have a little soft spot for Blondie: that won't save him from my searing gaze.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

What Happened to Geoff Darrow's Conan 25 Cover?

From Bleeding Cool:

Recently, Dark Horse heavily teased and promoted its upcoming wraparound cover to Conan #25 by Geoff Darrow, scheduled for September, the last issue before the relaunch

And while official solicitations have yet to be released, I understand that the cover may have to be withdrawn. Robert E. Howard Properties has objected to it being… too.. violent. For a Conan book. Blimey. That’s something.

Yeah... no.  I'd guess that the cover would be withdrawn because it is useless.


I have nothing against Geoff Darrow, but given what I've seen of his work, he could've done something more appropriate.  Way more appropriate.  His cover is a parody, and fan reaction has not been entirely positive.  The Keegans' cover is superior in every way.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

"Faithfulness to the Source Material does not a Great Movie Make."

Behold, another target for the HMS Taranaich.

Honestly, I'm tired of people bitching about Milius' Conan being unfaithful to the books. I'm a fan of Howard's writing, but let's not get pretentious about it. He wrote gory sexy adventure stories, not important works of literature.

And even if they were, faithfulness to the source material does not a great movie make. Greystoke has very little in common with Burroughs' Tarzan, but that doesn't change the fact that it's the best Tarzan film ever made.

Source fidelity can take a flying leap, for all I care. Make a good movie. That's all that matters.

First of all, let's ignore this idea that we're being "pretentious" in wanting a film adaptation that respects an author who is in the Library of America, Penguin Classics, is about to have an academic study published, and has been critiqued in more fanzines and independent scholarly journals for decades than any other fantasy author save Tolkien.  Apparently, that doesn't matter, since everyone knows Conan's just puerile adolescent wish fulfillment.  That said, this does accurately reflect the old Lancer approach of being "just a story."  Also, kinda hard to view the foundation stones of an entire literary genre as "not important literature."

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

The Baby-Intellectuals of the Colloquy Society


You might've noticed I don't suffer fools gladly: fools who think Conan the Barbarian was a faithful or even superior adaptation, morons who think Howard would've sympathized with Hitler, dunderheads who think Howard ripped off Tolkien.  Of course, it isn't only the trolls of the internet which make these stupid errors: apparently, so do "geniuses" like those at the Colloquy Society.

Monday, 21 June 2010

OK, this nonsense is getting out of hand.

First, we had the idiocy of complaining about a Jake Gyllenhaal, a white man, playing a Persian, when the Persian ethnos are considered white by any racial delineation which includes the term "white." 
Now we have idiots throwing a hissy fit because Angelina Jolie is playing Cleopatra.  Because, apparently, Cleopatra was black.


This is stunning.  I can't even see how such a silly idea comes about: is it because Egypt is technically in the continent of Africa, ergo anyone from Africa is a black person - despite that being far from the case in history, and especially the classical era?  Cleopatra VII - the most famous of the Cleos, and undoubtedly the one Jolie is cast as - was Greek.  She was a member of the Ptolomaic Dynasty, and had been for 300 years.  Like the earlier Egyptians, the Ptolomys married closely, sometimes to the extent of cousins and siblings.  The only way she could be black is if the Ptolemies had been marrying Nubians in the 300 years since - something absent from the historical record, and which surely goes against their history of keeping as close to the family as possible.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

The Cormac Fallacy

In the name of Crom, make it stop!

You guys who keep saying he's not big enough need to read up on what Conan actually looked like. He was 6'2 210lbs. Momoa was 210lbs before he started working out and gained a bunch of weight. He's plenty big to be Conan, Arnold was actually TOO big to be Conan. Conan wasn't the biggest man, he was the strongest, there is a huge difference.

Arnold Shwarzenegger was 6'1.5" tall and 236lbs in Conan. So no, Arnold was not "too big" to be Conan, who Howard described on separate occasions as being anywhere from 6' to 6'2" and 210lbs to 220lbs. Mamoa has more of a lean frame, appearing more as a "Tarzan" than a Conan. Cimmerians are of stockier build by description, which would give more of a Schwarzenegger appearance than a Mamoa.

Stop it.

Nowhere in any of Howard's letters does he once state a height for Conan other than his height at 15, which was 6' and 180lbs, and specifically noted to have "lacked much of his full growth." Howard never compares Cormac Fitzgeoffrey to Conan. Ever.

The 6'2" 210lbs "quote" Does. Not. Exist.

Stop bringing it up.

Hell, I don't know where that 220lbs comes from either, but I can guarantee it isn't from Howard.

ARGH.

Edit: Ok, I've calmed down a bit. However, this is the single Conan myth which irritates me enough. I can understand the 10,000 BC thing, or blaming things on Arnold, but this is really bothersome. It's the illusion of being informed that irritates me, giving the impression that someone's done research, when all they're doing is parroting Wikipedia.

I need to find the origin of the Cormac Fallacy, or I might well go insane.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

What Hideous Cosmic Junction...

... That we have the first underwhelming shots of Jason Momoa as "Conan" leaked on the same day that we learn of the astronomically more important news, that of Frank Frazetta's passing?

Naturally, the first story has all the numbskulls whose knowledge of Conan begins and ends with a vague recollection of the film through marijuana smoke. Some hilarious fellows out there engage in some questionable humour: "I guess he saw the new Conan, and died on the spot."

To all those masters of subtle, nuanced black humour making such comments:

Go to hell.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

MSN Entertainment joins the Idiot Pile

It's often asserted that Thulsa Doom is just "Thoth-Amon with a different name." Which is balderdash for so many reasons, but given how Thoth was transformed in the Marvel Comics (and then Dark Horse) I can understand why people might think that, given how Thoth was turned from an intriguing villain whose life sometimes intersected with Conan's in interesting ways, into Lifelong Nemesis Who Only Conan Could Defeat.

What's MSN's excuse?

Okay, technically the "Conan" movies are based on a series of novels created by Robert E. Howard. But Oliver Stone's screenplay and John Milius' direction is clearly influenced by Marvel's "Conan" comics of the 1970s - specifically, the ones illustrated by John Buscema. So we're willing to include Jones' imperious interpretation of the barbarian lord who raided Conan's entire village, slaughtered his family and enslaved the young Cimmerian - ultimately shaping him into the Arnold Schwarzenegger-looking gladiator he would become - on this list. Frankly, we're afraid of what he might do to us if we left him out.

1. No, technically the Conan movies are based on a character who starred in a series of short stories by Robert E. Howard. Though frankly, even that's a bit of a stretch, seeing as it isn't the same character, rather a dude with a similar name and similar setting.

2. "Jones' imperious interpretation of the barbarian lord who raided Conan's entire village, slaughtered his family and enslaved the young Cimmerian - ultimately shaping him into the Arnold Schwarzenegger-looking gladiator he would become" never existed in the comics to begin with. This was a complete invention of the filmmakers, and it would only be adopted after the films came out. Even in the comics, Thulsa Doom was a Kull villain, and the few times he did appear in Conan, he was the skull-faced sorcerer supreme of Howard's vision.

3. Hah, what would Doom possibly do if you left him out? Shoot you with a snake arrow straight out of Loony Tunes? I'd be more worried about the actual comic villains you did leave out than Doom. Case in point: in what universe is the moronic, sarcastic "Doctor Doom" from Fantastic Four a better villain than the mighty General Zod? I'd even take Von Sydow's old shame Ming the Merciless over that slimy mess.